As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: top ten

Top Ten Announcements in Tonight’s SOTU Speech

Using bribes and flattery, White House Dossier this morning was able to obtain an advance copy of President Obama’s State of the Union address.

We share with you here the top ten remarks you can expect to hear from Obama this evening.

*******

1. We need a minimum wage. But tonight, I’m also announcing – a maximum wage.

2. I plan to rule by fiat, as well as by Alfa Romeo.

3. Ask not what your country can do for you, unless you need something.

4. In today’s world, even a college education is not enough. That’s why I’m announcing that we need to give everyone the right to a PhD in astrophysics.

5. We need not just to throw the conservatives out of New York, but out of New Jersey, New Mexico, Texas, Michigan, and every state where you might find them, so that tolerance can reign from sea to shining sea.

6. If Republicans don’t like Obamacare, why are they complaining that no one can sign up? Did you ever think of that?

7. I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead my gun control campaign because he understands guns, having frequently shot himself in the foot.

8. We’ve extracted ironclad promises from Iran not to build a nuclear weapons. And I’m announcing this evening that as a back up, we’ve received further promises from the Iranians that if they do build nuclear weapons, they will use them for research purposes only.

9. Still today, we are plagued by the mistakes of George W. Bush. And so we ask him: Why won’t you just leave us alone?

10. Some people are unhappy that I’m slowly establishing a dictatorship, and I say, don’t worry, I’m going to speed it up.

Top Ten Things Obama Should be Thankful For

President Obama is in the dumps right now, but he still has lots to be thankful for. We’ve compiled a list of the top ten blessings Obama can count on his two hands this Thanksgiving.

*******

1. Vice President Biden. With Biden next in line, Republicans have much less incentive to impeach him.

2. The media. They’ve gotten tougher lately, but for most of the year they behaved themselves.

3. Millions of people who don’t pay attention to the news but decide to speak with pollsters anyway.

4. A fine candidate like Mitt Romney.

5. Nicorette.

6. Mulligans.

7. John Roberts.

8. Valerie Jarrett, for running the country on his behalf.

9. Eric Holder, for providing the muscle.

10. Bo, because Bo doesn’t care that the website isn’t working.

Top Ten Concessions Offered by the U.S. to Iran

Adding to the shock that the negotiations over Iran’s nuclear weapons program broke down is the discovery of the tempting concessions offered by the United States to try to get Iran to agree to a deal.

A frustrated member of the U.S. delegation, spotted by White House Dossier at a Washington Starbucks, gave in to our repeated requests for the list, exclaiming, Here just take it! Take it!

We agreed not to publish it but later changed our mind, and so we provide for you here the top ten concessions offered by the U.S. to Iran.

*******

10. Iran may continue to enrich uranium but only in the sense of giving it interesting things to read.

9. U.S. won’t acknowledge it is the “Great Satan,” but agrees to be labeled the “Pretty Good Satan.”

8. Each of Iran’s top twelve Ayatollahs to receive a good twerking from a twerker to be named later.

7. Iran given his beautiful lounge suite:

Living room set 3

6. U.S. will fix it so that Iran is guaranteed to win the annual International Couscous Cook Off in Tripoli early next year.

5. Frommer’s must name the Holiday Inn Tehran as one of the 2014 “World’s Top Ten Vacation Destinations.”

4. Free Chinese takeout for the entire nation of Iran for a year. Delivery is extra and requires a tip.

3. U.S. officials must refer to Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei as “His Hotness.”

Iran

2. Billy Joel and Elton John to perform free concert at Iran’s massive Mullahdome. Elton agrees to dedicate “Your Song” to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

1. Netanhayu’s head to be delivered on a silver platter.

*******

Are there any that you are aware of?

Top Ten Excuses for the Obamacare Website Crash

In private, senior White House officials are bitterly complaining about the reasons for the Obamacare website fiasco, offering up excuse after excuse for its failure. We share with you now the top ten excuses they are making for what seems to be an otherwise inexplicable catastrophe.

*******

10. “B Team” claimed to be the “A Team.”

9. Biden insisted on doing some of the coding himself.

8. Programmers spent too much time making out in the snack room with geek-adoring HHS staffers.

7. Complacent Obama aides figured, Hey, this is a U.S. government project. Of course it’s going to work!

6. While working, programmers sang, “The knee bone’s connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone’s connected to the hip bone, the hip bone’s connected to the back bone,” but in web design, it’s the other way around.

5. Website built by “extremists,” “suicide bombers,” “kidnappers,” and “arsonists.”

4. Programmer dropped a piece of his Ring Ding in the software, screwing up everything.

3. Should have used orangutans to perform quality control instead of chimpanzees.

2. Dog ate my website.

And the top excuse for the Obama website crash is . . .

1. You just can’t get a decent website for $394 million these days.

Top Ten Unexpected Shutdown Hardships

The government shutdown is already having an unexpectedly drastic effect, causing glitches and cutbacks that are bringing tears to White House staffers. In their agony, Obama aides phoned White House Dossier to complain.

Here are the top ten unexpected hardships that are giving them fits.

  *******

1. Teleprompter keeps running the Gettysburg Address.

2. Plan to have Michelle tape Let’s Move video from the Space Station cancelled.

3. White House chefs forced to switch from butter to I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.

4. Department of Veterans Affairs no longer helping ex-soldiers find mistresses.

5. Office of Management and Budget forced to admit it can neither manage nor budget.

6. Biden to be cared for by two nannies instead of three.

7. Formation of Obamacare Death Panels delayed by one year.

8. Obama forced to light own cigarettes.

9. Bo switching from porterhouse to beef chuck.

10. Plan to electrocute Boehner in his tanning booth cancelled to save on energy costs.

Top Ten Sequester Cuts Obama Really Hates!

President Obama is excoriating Republicans for threatening to allow the sequester – the one Obama insisted on – to kick in, claiming all sorts of intolerable spending cuts will occur and calamitous things will happen if something isn’t done to avert it.

But White House Dossier has discovered the true reason for Obama’s concern. Some of these cuts hit the White House, and they’re going to hit right where it hurts.

What follows are the top ten sequester cuts that Obama can’t stand.

*******

1. Hot warm towels at the end of Air Force One flights ELIMINATED.

2. Bo Obama to receive Purina instead of Science Diet dog food.

3. Obamas forced to take vacations together.

4. Number of Jumbo Gulf Shrimp on Obama’s daily shrimp cocktail reduced from four to three.

5. Hot line to Moscow switched from Verizon to Vonage.

6. Obamas to pay for popcorn and candy at White House theater; fines to be levied for purchasing stuff at CVS and sneaking it in.

7. Obama to be charged corresponding DC taxi rate for motorcade trips within Washington

8. Authors who only write autobiographies to have earnings taxed at higher rate.

9. Hollywood stars must pay fee to use the Situation Room.

10. Obama to pay federal government $1 every time he puts his feet up on the furniture.

*******

Please contribute to this important story by letting us know if there are any Obama-related cuts you have uncovered.

Top Ten Reasons Obama Won’t Meet with Netanyahu

White House Dossier has obtained a list, written in President Obama’s own hand, describing the real reasons he refuses to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu during Netanyahu’s trip this week the the United States.

While we cannot reveal how we obtained this list, we do want to express our appreciation to the General Services Administration’s nighttime West Wing cleaning crew for the work that they do.

We present here what we believe to be the ten most important of Obama’s reasons for not seeing the Israeli leader.

Netanyahu, Obama writes . . .

1. Never laughs at my joke about defending Israel with “Bibi guns.”

2. Keeps trying to sneak a bust of David Ben-Gurion into the Oval Office.

3. Looks over at my pieces every time we play Stratego.

4. Insists on performing the Brazilian Booty Dance in the Roosevelt Room.

5. Claims Judaism doesn’t accept me as the Messaih.

6. Refuses to campaign with me in Miami Beach.

7. Doesn’t agree that I’m “eye candy.”

8. Thinks the fact that I haven’t kept any of my campaign promises calls into question whether I’ll actually bomb Iran like I said I would.

9. Likes to ridicule my red lines.

10. Doesn’t seem to understand why an oil-exporting country would need a nuclear fuel program.

*******

Any other reasons you’ve heard of?

The Top Ten Rejected Obama Campaign Slogans

As is well known, the Obama 2012 campaign has chosen “Forward!” as its campaign slogan. The slogan has been criticized as eerily Commie-sounding, since it shares the name with several Communist publications.

Whether a good idea or not, the slogan was the result of an intense process in which many alternate ideas were considered and discarded before the campaign settled on “Forward.” In an effort to obtain these rejected ideas, White House Dossier attempted to file a Freedom of Information Act request.

After the Freedom of Information Act people finished laughing at White House Dossier, White House Dossier turned to its mole inside the Obama campaign, a ruthlessly dishonest and sneaky person – that is, a really good source – who went and got us the list.

What follows are the top ten slogans discarded by the Obama campaign before settling on “Forward.”

*******

1. Vote for Obama

2. Pot in Every Chicken

3. It’s Sunset in America

4. Nixon Now!

5. What Would Jesus Do – Vote for Romney or for Himself?

6. Workers – and Other Key Demographics – Unite!

7. Vote Obama or Get Audited

8. There’s Still More Wealth to Spread Around

9. If They Can Do it in China, We Can Do it Here

10. On Your Marx, Get Set, Go!

*******

Are you aware of any discarded Obama 2012 slogans?

Top Ten New Obama Deficit Proposals

President Obama is under fire for criticizing the dramatic spending reductions in the House Republican budget while failing to propose major cuts himself. White House Dossier has discovered that the White House is about to respond by releasing a new list of cuts it believes will solve the deficit problem and preempt further criticism of… Continue Reading

Top Ten Things Obama Will Do if Obamacare is Struck Down

White House Dossier through illegal methods has obtained a private list written by President Obama of the things he will do if the Supreme Court strikes down the Obamacare individual insurance mandate. The list is in Obama’s handwriting, and its authenticity has been verified by the accounting firm of Schmuckle, Portobello & Crumcake. I present… Continue Reading

Top Ten Surprising Things Obama Told Netanyahu

White House Dossier has obtained a secret transcript of Monday’s meeting between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu. Obama said some startling things. It’s not clear to me that he really understood the significance of the meeting. Anyway, here are the top ten things that jumped out at me. I think you will… Continue Reading

The Top Ten Titles for Obama’s Next Book

In a grand and false exclusive, White House Dossier has learned that President Obama, his reelection chances looking iffy, has already begun work on a new post-presidency book. According sources at two publishing firms – Random House and Specific House, the president is testing several titles for his latest tome. White House Dossier has obtained… Continue Reading