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Tag Archives: top ten lists

Top Ten “Consulting” Services Offered by Bill Clinton

So, we learn today that Bill Clinton established a secret company through which he funneled secret earnings that the Clintons tried to keep secret.

The work was for “consulting.” It’s a common job around Washington, consulting. Who knows what it means?

That’s why I sent a team of reporters to find out just what kind of consulting advice Bill Clinton was offering to his well-heeled corporate clients.

Here, for you, are the top ten:

1. How to create proper feng shui in your office and also turn it into a sex palace.

2. The meaning of word “is” – with additional information on how to use it in a sentence.

3. How to get the full value out of your interns.

4. Worried your son may one day face a draft? 1960s draft-dodging techniques updated for the 21st century.

5. Strategies for lying to a grand jury and not going to jail.

6. How to turn the presidency into a money-making extravaganza.

7. Why starting your own charity is the perfect scam.

8. Someone caught you cheating? How to convince your wife it’s all just part of a “vast right wing conspiracy.”

9. Ramen Noodle Rich: How to scrape by on $25 million a year.

10. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus? Okay, how to meet chicks on Mars.

Top Ten Reasons Hillary Knows She Still Will Be President

Things are beginning to look a little iffy for Mrs. Clinton. Scandals are erupting. Questions are being raised about her qualities as a candidate. It’s not the best of times for Hillary.

But privately, Clinton aides say she is confident of victory. None would talk on the record, for fear of having a lamp thrown at them. But they provided a list of reasons Hillary is still certain she will be president.

Here are the top ten:

1. She can prove most ethical lapses were caused by global warming.

2. She has a fool-proof plan to convince primary voters that Elizabeth Warren has leprosy.

3. Bill plans to be in Thailand for much of 2016.

4. Magic Eight Ball said, “You may rely on it.”

5. Used the Reset Button on her campaign and this time it worked!

6. Practicing for several hours every day to be herself.

7. Is in training to carry two or even three electronic devices around at the same time.

8. So far, is doing far better than in 2008 at picking her opponents.

9. Has discovered an achievement notched as Secretary of State and will unveil it just before Election Day.

10. Will show that Clinton Foundation donors weren’t seeking to influence policy – just wanted to save the world, one Clinton at a time.

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Are there any further reasons that you have uncovered in any of your research or reporting?

Top Ten Iranian Schemes to Acquire and Keep Nuclear Weapons

Wait a second everyone. Before this nuclear deal – or whatever it is – gets announced today, Western negotiators should be warned that White House Dossier has uncovered how Iran intends to fool the world about its weapons program.

We haven’t had a chance to confirm this, but given that time is running short and the issue is of such a critical nature, we felt we had to publish it immediately. Without, in fact, taking the time to read it.

Herewith, then, the Top ten Iranian schemes to acquire and keep nuclear weapons:

1. Hide a new nuclear weapons plant inside Kerry’s head.

2. Convince Obama the nuclear weapons program is “for the children.”

3. Convince Obama that if Iran ever drops its bombs, it will help combat global warming.

4. Promise to end the nuclear program if Ahmadinejad is allowed to compete on “Dancing with the Stars,” and then claim the United States is being “unreasonable” by keeping him off the show.

5. When nuclear weapons inspectors knock on the door, don’t open it, and keep saying, “This is the pickle factory and we’re closed now” until they go away.

6. If Obama threatens to attack, have Norway award him another Nobel Peace Prize.

7. Require nuclear weapons inspectors to use Apple Maps while in Iran.

8. Paint the nuclear weapons in bright, appealing colors.

9. Sponsor “Lifetime of Free Golf” award to P5+1 world leader who caves the most in negotiations.

10. Conceal the nuclear weapons by shoving them all up Ayatollah Khamenei’s ass.

Obama’s Top Ten New Ideas for Fighting ISIS

With ISIS taking more towns in Syria and, on the other front, closing in on Baghdad, it appears President Obama’s strategy for “degrading and ultimately destroying” the Islamist psychos is failing.

Some are calling for boots on the ground. But this is not necessary, as Obama has a backup plan. In fact, he has many ideas he hasn’t tried yet.

Obama called last night to share his thoughts with White House Dossier. We agreed the conversation would be off the record, but this morning I decided, Ahh, screw it.

Here then, the Obama’s top ten new ideas for fighting ISIS:

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1. Convince ISIS fighters that virgins awaiting them in heaven frequently “have a headache.”

2. Point “This Way to Baghdad” road signs the other way.

3. Promise, if they’ll stop fighting, to upgrade their iPhone 5’s to iPhone 6’s at a discount even if their plans say they don’t qualify yet.

4. Explain to them that blowing things up adds to global warming.

5. Ask the Wizard of Oz to give Iraqi soldiers “courage.”

6. Let ISIS members know it’s impossible to find a good deli in Baghdad these days.

7. Ask Gwyneth Paltrow for advice on what to do at this point.

8. Make John Kerry, Harry Reid, and Alan Greenspan available to the Iraqi military in order to try to bore ISIS militants to death.

9. Starve them by convincing ISIS chefs to use Michelle’s new school lunch menu.

10. Tell ISIS fighters that he’s going to hit them with a plague of frogs and “I don’t mean the French military.”

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Has Obama called you too? Are there any ideas you are aware of?

Obama’s Top Ten Resolutions for 2014

A waiter at Chef Morimoto’s in Honolulu has given White House Dossier a list of resolutions President Obama was working on for 2014 when he and the first lady dined at the restaurant while on vacation.

The president inadvertently left the list on Morimoto’s Grand Ocean Liner Sushi Boat, which featured a dazzling array of over 150 pieces of fish flesh. The waiter, a fan of White House Dossier, noticed the list on the ship’s bridge and decided to provide it to White House Dossier instead of Obama.

We share with you here the top ten resolutions found on the list.

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1. Start work by 10:00 am no matter what.

2. Only tell lies when it’s absolutely necessary.

3. Fire Sebelius – as soon as she turns over my college records.

4. Stop short-changing myself on golf.

5. Extend an olive branch to Republicans and then smack them over the head with it.

6. Stop taking crap from Michelle, assuming she doesn’t mind.

7. Get the Choom Gang back together for one last blow out in Colorado.

8. Stop forgetting to give Biden his milk in the morning.

9. Stop cracking joke in front of Michelle about going to South Africa “just to grab a Danish.”

10. Admit Obamacare doesn’t work and get started with single payer!

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Please let us know if you are aware of any further Obama resolutions.

Top Ten White House Obamacare Comparisons

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney Wednesday compared Obamacare to “an apple that’s fresh and delicious,” as opposed to the apple full of worms represented by the current health care system.

But White House Dossier has found that this is just one of the many comparisons White House officials make when they speak in glowing terms about Obamacare. Here are the top ten other ways they frequently describe the Affordable Care Act.

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1. It’s like an EPA regulation that’s fresh and delicious.

2. It’s better than sex.

3. It’s better than communism.

4. It’s like a large bowl of happiness soup.

5. It’s like being twerked by Helen of Troy

6. It’s as if Yoko had never broken up the Beatles.

7. It’s like getting to choose your vice president again.

8. It’s like being told you won the lottery, then being told you didn’t win the lottery, and then being told, No, wait a second, you actually did win the lottery!

9. It’s like having Michelle as your personal nutritionist.

10. It’s like getting to use the IRS against your enemies.

Top Ten Obama Scandals You Didn’t Know About

A massive White House Dossier investigation involving more than 40 reporters and 12 dental hygienists has uncovered a startling array of Obama administration scandals heretofore unknown to the public and Congress.

I think you’ll agree, data mining and Benghazi are nothing compared to some of the things we’ve dug up. We were so excited at finding these new scandals that we initially thought we’d keep them all to ourselves. But as a public service, we share with you here the top ten.

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1. The White House Easter Egg Roll . . . is fixed.

2. HHS still providing health but has stopped offering human services.

3. Top State Department officials have access to fancy canteen known privately as The Steak Department.

4. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives illegally adding words to its title.

5. EPA officials sent to test streams for pollution seen panning for gold instead.

6. Small Business Administration regularly gives advice to Exxon-Mobil.

7. Obama yelling “Fired up, Ready to Go!” as golf opponents take their swing.

8. Eric Holder to investigate himself by reading his own emails.

9. Biden keeping high IQ secret from the public.

10. Michelle quietly profiting from international crime ring selling Pepsi and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to children.

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Are there any scandals that you, through your own investigations, have uncovered?