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Obama Says, Punish Your Enemies!

“If Latinos sit out the election instead of saying, ‘We’re gonna punish our enemies and we’re gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us,’ if they don’t see that kind of upsurge in voting in this election, then I think it’s gonna be harder and that’s why I think it’s so important that people focus on voting on November 2.”

– President Barack Obama, Monday, October 25, 2010

The Scene:

President Obama has invited three leading Republicans – Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, House Minority Leader John Boehner and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich – to the White House for what he has told them is a meeting to “reset” their relationship and start afresh. Also on hand is White House Chief of Staff Pete Rouse and Senior Adviser David Axelrod.

Boehner: Mr. President, thank you for gathering us here at the White House to meet with you prior to Election Day. It’s a tremendous gesture on your part.

Obama: Bwahahahahah.

Boehner: Excuse me Mr. President?

Obama: Nothing. I just thought of something funny that happened on the fourth hole Sunday. Please continue.

Boehner: This is really very presidential of you.

McConnell: Yes, I agree with Leader Boehner. I hope that this will start us on a new path that will allow us to work hand in hand for the American people.

Obama: Bwahahahaha.

Boehner: What’s going on Mr President? What is Secretary of State Clinton doing at the door with a paddle.

Obama: Axelrod?

Axelrod: Mr. Boehner, the president is revamping his image and political strategy, as I’m sure you’ve noted from the brutal attacks on the GOP over the last few weeks. We’ve decided to move from Hope and Change to Punishment and Retribution.

Rouse: We’re . . . we’re pretty pissed off at you guys.

Obama: We tried to work with you, and all you did was sit on your fat Fascist asses and watch the economy fall apart. And now it’s time for your punishment

Axelrod: Punishment. Punish the enemy!

Rouse: Punish! Punish them!

Rahm: Punish!

Boehner: Rahm? What is Rahm doing here?

Axelrod: He flew in all the way from Chicago when he heard there was going to be sadistic mistreatment of Republicans at the White House.

Gingrich: Sadistic treatment? This clearly stems from your anti-Colonial world view and your atavistic desire for revenge on the imperialists who seized the country of your father and – Owwww! – Hillary, what are you doing??

Boehner: Hey! She just whacked Newt’s ass with that paddle.

Obama: Mr. Gingrich, bend over to receive your punishment.

Gingrich: No . . .  Owwwww!

Obama: Then take it standing up. Whack him again, Hillary.

Gingrich: Owwww!

Rahm: This is SO GREAT!

Rouse: Punish the enemy!

Gingrich: Owwww!

McConnell: Look, Al Gore!

Obama: That’s right. Hello Mr. Vice President, it’s a pleasure to see you.

Gore: Glad to be back at the White House, Mr. President.

Obama: McConnell, since you won’t bring cap and trade up in the Senate, your punishment is to listen to Al Gore talk about global warming for a full half hour.

McConnell: Oh, no, please, please. Not that! Let Hillary smack me around.

Boehner: Mitch, easy  boy.

Obama: Guards, take Sen. McConnell to the White House theater.

Gore: I’ve got some wonderful new charts I’ve added to my PowerPoint that I’m sure you’ll want to see.

McConnell: Noooooooo! Get your hands off of me! Nooooooo! (his voice begins to fade as he is led away).

Obama: Boehner, we have a very special punishment prepared for you.

Boehner: Pelosi!

Pelosi: Hi asshole.

Obama: Boehner, the Speaker is going to be administering your tan today . . .

Boehner: Oh no!

Obama: While reading you the entire health reform bill.

Rouse: Punish the enemy! Punish the enemy, Mr. President!

Obama: Rouse, control yourself or I’m going to sic Bo on your cats.

Rouse: No, not my cats! My little pretties!

Obama: Boehner, you guys are real big on this “read the bill” bullshit, aren’t you? You should really enjoy this.

Pelosi: Come on asshole, we’re headed to the Green Room.

Boehner: Oh, the humanity!

Pelosi: Shut up idiot. Let’s go.

Obama: Ax, I’m really enjoying this Punishment and Retribution thing. What was that last line we had?

Axelrod: Hope and Change.

Obama: Hope and what?

Axelrod: Change.

Obama: Right. Let’s invite Rove and the president of the Chamber of Commerce over. This is just way cooler.

“If Latinos sit out the election instead of saying, ‘We’re gonna punish our enemies and we’re gonna reward our friends who stand with us on issues that are important to us,’ if they don’t see that kind of upsurge in voting in this election, then I think it’s gonna be harder and that’s why I think it’s so important that people focus on voting on November 2.”