As you are probably aware, President Obama had cut his vacation a day short, returning to Washington Friday. After initially saying Mrs. Obama would stay until Saturday as scheduled, the White House changed it’s mind and said the first lady would indeed be traveling with the president.
This got White House Dossier thinking that MAYBE MRS. OBAMA TOOK SOME CONVINCING to end her vacation early. And so WHD began to do some agressive reporting on the matter. Late last night we were able to obtain a transcript from a listening device that had once been placed in the Obama compound by the late comedian Soupy Sales, who had stayed there many years ago.
What follows is a portion of the transcript, in which White House political adviser David Plouffe begins the effort to convince Mrs. Obama she has to depart early.
Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I need to speak with you for a minute.
Plouffe: Mrs. Obama?
Michelle: Can’t you see I’m trying to get the meat out of the claw? It’s very tricky. I need to concentrate.
Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you . . .
Michelle: Oh no, another masseuse quit?
Plouffe: No, I’m afraid you’re going to have to cut the vacation short and leave a day earlier than planned.
Michelle: Oh, well I have some bad news for you: I’m staying. Now scram.
Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, the president has to leave a day early to deal with the hurricane, and we’d like you to come with him.
Michelle: You think I’m taking orders from a little worm like you? You look skinny. Why don’t you go get something to eat, worm? If he wants to go, rev up his jet and get him out of here. Now let me finish my lobster.
Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I’m really sorry, but we’re worried about the symbolism of the first lady remaining on a luxurious vacation while the East Coast is getting destroyed by a hurricane.
Michelle: Symbolism? How about the symbolism of me smacking you over the head with seashell?
Plouffe: Now Mrs. Obama, I don’t think that’s necessary.
Michelle: I’ll show you what’s necessary.
(She throws a lobster tail at him)
Plouffe: This isn’t working. (Calling out) Mr. President? Mr. President? You need to speak with Mrs. Obama.
Obama: (from far away): I’m busy.
Plouffe: Busy with what?
Obama: I’m on the phone.
Plouffe: Who are you on the phone with?
Obama: I’m in the bathroom.
Plouffe: Mr. President, can you come over here?
Obama: I’m . . . I’m on the phone in the bathroom.
Plouffe: Mr. President!
Obama: Okay, I’m coming.
(Obama enters the room)
Michelle: Your lackey here is risking his life by telling me I’m going home with you one day early. Set him straight.
Obama: Michelle, I’ve got to get back to Washington to deal with the hurricane, and you –
Michelle: What are you going to do about the hurricane, fix people’s houses? You don’t know which end of a hammer of to hold.
Obama: Now Michelle, that’s not fair.
Michelle: Last time you tried to hang a picture you busted open your finger and spent a whole week looking at it to see if it was infected. You can’t use a teleprompter to fix a house, Barack.
Plouffe: (under his breath): And people think it’s the job that’s giving him gray hairs.
Michelle: What’s that, lackey? You’re like Ed McMahon, always laughing at everything Johnny Carson over here says. Well I do what I want. And I’ve decided I’m staying until Tuesday.
Plouffe: Oh God.
Obama: Darling . . .
Michelle: Don’t you darling me. I’m sure Ed McMahon will fix everything for you. Now if the hurricane comes through here Sunday when will the stores be open?
Reggie Love: By Monday if the damage isn’t too bad.
Obama: Reggie cut it out! She’s not staying.
Michelle: What did you say?
Obama: I mean, sweet flower, please come home with your Barry.
Michelle: Screw you, Herbert Hoover.
Obama: Okay, send them in.
Michelle: Send who in? Hey, what’s going on? What’s your Secret Service detail doing in here? Hey! Get your hands off me! Barack, tell these goons to let me go. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Obama: I’m sorry, it’s the only way.
Michelle: You’ll pay for this Barack! I’m going to release your college transcript! People will know you flunked art history!
Obama: Go easy on her guys, I have deal with this back at the White House.