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Leading Evildoers Discuss Response to Obama

A conference call is beginning. Its participants include Osama Bin Laden, Afghan Taliban leader Mullah Omar, and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ahmadinejad: Hello? Is everyone on?

Omar: I’m Here.


Ahmadinejad: Osama? Where the fuck is Osama?

Osama: djgjdkn djdfnsk mdkujslk.

Ahmadinejad: What’s that?

Osama: dkgjskj sdlkggjlj asdlgiul.

Omar: He’s trying to disguise his voice again by putting his turban over the speaker.

Ahmadinejad: Osama, you chicken shit. The Americans aren’t listening. Get your turban off the phone.

Osama: God is great.

Ahmadinejad: OK, that’s better. God is great.

Omar: God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahamdinejad: OK, that’s enough. Fo shizzle, God is great. Now let’s get down to business.

Please deposit 25 cents for the next three minutes.

Ahmadinejad: What is that?

Omar: Osama, are you on pay phone?

Osama: You think I’m using the fucking satellite phone? Are you nuts?

Omar: OK, well put in enough money, you cheap Jew!

Osama: Zawahiri, give me all the change. Just put it in.

Ahmadinejad: OK, we’re here to discuss the new Obama Doctrine. He says he’s going de-emphasize military power and defeat us by focusing internally on the United States, developing the U.S. economy, making electric vehicles, promoting education reform, and so forth. He also is celebrating the end of combat operations in Iraq – saying the war was really a nightmare – and proclaiming that he’s determined to begin withdrawing from Afghanistan starting July 2011. What should we do?

Omar: Surrender.

Osama: Surrender.

Ahmadinejad: Yes. Surrender. Then we’re all agreed. The fearsome Obama is too much for us, has us completely intimidated, and we are all giving up.  I will announce tomorrow that we are executing all our nuclear scientists for developing nuclear weapons without my knowledge. And then I’m going to retire.

Omar: I guess I’ll retire too. God is great.

Osama: God is really great.

Omar: God is really, really great.

Ahmadinejad: OK stop it!

Osama: Well what am I supposed to do? I mean, it’s not like I can go to New York City and drive a taxicab at this point. My skill set is mainly fomenting terror.

Ahmadinjad: You could open a restaurant.

Osama: Well, I do make a mean falafel sandwich. I can get some startup cash from the Saudis.

Omar: This Obama ruined everything. I mean, I had plans for the future. A life of misery for all Afghanis. Using religion for corrupt purposes. Hosting an annual terrorists’ convention at the Hilton in Kabul. It was all going to be so grand.

Ahmadinejad: Oh, me too. Just imagine what I could have done with nuclear weapons. Osama, I was going to give you one for your birthday! (Begins sobbing).

Osama: Oh, you are so sweet Mahmoud. I won’t charge you for extra yogurt sauce at my restaurant. Also, the appetizer is on me.

Omar: You cheap Jew, Osama.

Ahmadinejad: Yeah, we had it all. But now the warrior Obama has put an end to it. The world’s top evildoers defeated by education reform. Who would have imagined?

al Zawahiri

Obama’s Worst Nightmare


“Barack, what’s wrong?”


“Barry, wake up, you’re having a bad dream. Wake up!”

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhh! Ahhhh!”

“Barack, wake up!”

“Michelle? Oh my goodness. I had a terrible dream.”

“Was it the one about Sarah Palin being made the White House pastry chef?”

“No, no, worse.”

“Tell me!”

“Well, it’s the morning, and we’ve just woken up, and we’re still in our pajamas. And I go to start my shave, turn on the faucet, and black oil comes out!”

“Oh no!”

“And then I try the shower, and it’s the same thing! So I call BP to find out what to do, and they say. ‘Try the shower cap.’ And I’m like, ‘The shower cap? Michelle’s shower cap? That’s not going to work!’ and they say, ‘Damned if we know what to do!’

“So I walk out to go downstairs and have breakfast, and as I pass by the Lincoln Bedroom I notice Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Mullah Omar are all sleeping together on the bed. So I’m like, ‘Dudes, wake up, you’ve got to get out of here. Are you kidding me? This is the White House!’

“The three of them are in bed together!”

“Yes, they’re in bed together. And they slowly start waking up and look at me and Chavez says, ‘We’re not leaving! And what’s for breakfast? I could eat a horse!’ And Ahmadinejad asks if he can have his eggs over-easy, and Mullah Omar wants me to slaughter a lamb! And I say, ‘Listen, you guys have to leave, like NOW!’ And they answer that they are staying for the rest of the summer. So I plead with them, ‘Look, let’s negotiate, let’s talk as reasonable people.’ And they just laugh and say, ‘Go get us breakfast!'”

“They just laughed at you?”

“They just laughed at me. So I head downstairs to make them breakfast and sitting at the dining table are Bill and Hillary”

“Bill and Hillary?”

“Bill and Hillary. And they’re eating scones with honey and Bill is pouring Hillary some coffee. And they look at me and they’re all cheerful and everything and they’re like ‘Good morning Barack.’

“So I say, ‘Good morning,’ and it’s at that point that I realize they aren’t wearing any pants!”

“They aren’t wearing any pants?”

“They aren’t wearing any pants. Bill has a shirt, tie and suit jacket on but he’s only wearing underwear, and Hillary has a white shirt and bright green jacket and she’s in her underwear too. So I’m like, ‘Hey you two, put some clothes on!’ And they just start laughing at me.”

“They just start laughing at you?”

“The just start laughing at me. And Hillary says, ‘Just think of this as one of my pantsuits, but without the pants! And then Bill says, ‘Barack, I hardly ever wore pants when I was in the White House!’ And they both start giggling.

“And they I turn around and the butler is headed to the elevator with a large cart of food, and I say, ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ And he says, ‘Chavez, Ahmadinejad, Mullah Omar, have ordered room service.’ And I’m like, ‘What? Room service?’ And the butler just ignores me and wheels the cart onto the elevator.”

“He just ignored you?”

“He just ignored me.”

“So Bill and Hillary just keep eating breakfast like I’m not even there. And I head down the hall and I notice there’s something going on in the Blue Room. So I peak in and there are 14 unshowered, unemployed people just hanging out. And each one of them has one of my golf clubs. Ahhhhhhhhhh!”

“Barack, take it easy.”

“I’m sorry. And then they start walking toward me and getting closer and closer with the clubs raised like they’re going to start whacking me. And meanwhile I left the shower on and the drain is clogged and oil is dripping through the ceiling. And someone is buzzing on the intercom complaining that his eggs are over-medium instead of over-easy. And Bill and Hillary are just standing in the doorway giggling and nibbling their scones. And the unshowered, unemployed people are getting closer, and closer, and closer.

“And one of them points to a picture on the all just behind me, right above my head. And I turn around, and it’s a painting of something called ‘The Obama Inn.’ And he says, ‘Look, it’s your inn over your head.”

“Your Inn over your head?”

“Yes, that’s right. And then I started screaming.”

“That’s when you woke up?

“That’s when I woke up.”

“Wow. What a dream. I wonder what it means, Barack.”

Top Nine Things Obama Wanted to Say to Bibi

During their recent meeting at the White House, President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu tried to make it seem like they were real chummy and all. But White House Dossier, employing an expensive team of mind readers, has been able to discern from videos and photos of the session what Obama really wanted to say to Netanyahu. Here are the top nine things they could discern.

1. Before you just go bombing away, have you tried reasoning with Ahmadinejad?

2. No, no, I don’t think it’s unusual at all for peace activists to be carrying guns, knives and clubs.

3. What should you do with the settlers? I don’t know, send them back to Germany and Poland? Come on, Bibi, have a sense of humor.

4. If I don’t get the Jews in the Cleveland suburbs, Ohio’s gone and I’m toast. So, can I make you some coffee?

5. How did AIPAC get my direct line?

6. I think ten miles is quite wide enough for a country, sir.

7. Sure, you can expand the Jewish settlements – into the Dead Sea. Bwahahahahaha.

8. I can empathize with the Jews. I mean, all of us are greedy sometimes.

9. Your wife really needs to get with Michelle’s Let’s Move program

Please, Ahmadinejad, Just Be Nice, Okay?

President Barack Obama tonight signed the Iran Sanctions Act, a measure that even his won CIA director acknowledges won’t stop Iran from developing nuclear weapons.

In a signing statement written in LaLa Land and delivered in the East Room, the president declared that tigers do in fact change their stripes.

The government of Iran still has a choice.  The door to diplomacy remains open.  Iran can prove that its intentions are peaceful.  It can meet its obligations under the NPT and achieve the security and prosperity worthy of a great nation.  It can have confidence in the Iranian people and allow their rights to flourish.

“The door to diplomacy is still open?” Really? After a year and a half of having his outreached hand crapped on by Ahmo, Obama is still stretching it out as far as he can, hoping the Iranian tyrant will grasp it and the two of them can stroll merrily together down the lane. These are the Chamberlainesque remarks of a president who does not want to fight.

“Iran can prove its intentions are peaceful?” This is much worse than diplomatic sophistry – it’s a brutally egregious outrage. Does Obama really think Iran is not building nuclear weapons? Is he attending his own daily intel briefing?

After the Mullahbomb goes off in Tel Aviv, Obama will probably say something stronger, like, “Iran now has only ONE LAST CHANCE to prove its intentions are peaceful.

And he says Iran can “achieve the security and prosperity worthy of a great nation?” Does Obama really think the jackals running Persia are impressed by rank suck up?

This would be hilarious – and I’m sure it is in Tehran – if, you know, the future of the world wasn’t at stake.

And look finally at this, the most frightening statement in the whole sordid speech. Look at the careful wording, and see if you can tell what the big, big problem is.

There should be no doubt—the United States and the international community are determined to prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons.

This statement should read as follows:

There should be no doubt—the United States and the international community will prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons.

It’s a small change with a huge difference. You can be sure Iran has taken note of Obama’s careful, defeatist wording.

New Iran Sanctions Deal ‘Awesome’

In a rare coup for such a new website, White House Dossier has scored its first major scoop, and it’s a huge one. White House Dossier, through unnamed, highly placed sources who are also close to the issue, has procured the new draft of the Iran nuclear sanctions agreed to by the United States, Russia and China. These sources spoke on condition of anonymity to avoid having their asses immediately fired.

“These are tough, tough, – dare I say brutal – sanctions that will force Iran to think twice, and possibly even three or four times – OK, not four times but definitely at least twice – before building a nuclear weapon,” said Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in an exclusive interview. “This is awesome.”

The following are the key provisions of a document that will be considered Friday at an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council in New York:

1. Iran will be cited for being really, really mean (this was watered down at the last minute at Russia’s insistence from being “condemned” for being really, really mean, although Russia agreed to add the second “really.”)

2. Lebanese kabobs will be declared superior to Iranian kabobs.

3. Persian carpets will hereby be known internationally as “Freedom Rugs.”

4. The song “I Ran” by Flock of Seaguls will henceforth be played at all international sporting events in which Iranian athletes are awarded the gold medal.

Ahmadinejad frownsReaction from the Iranian leadership was mixed.

“Ow, you’re really hurting me,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

But Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatoallah Ali Khamenei expressed some concern.

“I don’t know, I really hate Flock of Seaguls. Do we really need these nuclear weapons?”

White House Dossier has learned that to gain Russian’s acquiescence in the deal, Hillary Clinton, in a startling acknowledgment that the administration’s new posture toward Moscow had failed to turn Russia’s leaders into reasonable people, met secretly with Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov last week at the Kremlin. There, Clinton and Lavrov pressed the Reset Button AGAIN.

With the reset button – which for an awkward 20 seconds was stuck in the down position before popping back up – having been re-pressed, the Russians were ready to deal.
Clinton and lavrov and the reset button(While it may have helped that “reset” was this time mistranslated into Russian as “Screw the nation of  Georgia,” State Department officials say the error was entirely the result of bureaucratic bumbling.)

Meanwhile, Clinton earlier this week was overheard during a meeting in Beijing soothingly saying to Chinese President Hu Jintao – in a felicitous and highly nuanced diplomatic utterance worthy or Talleyrand – “Human rights, shmuman rights.”

Hu was clearly pleased, but maintained his strong negotiating stance by referencing the U.S. position as debtor and supplicant to China. “We’ve got you by the balls,” he told Clinton, adding, “Well, not you specifically.”

Noting that the United States was seven days late on its last payment – two days past the five day grace period – Hu threatened to jack up the rate to 19.8 percent and assess a $40 fine – for every $10 of debt.

Nevertheless, State Department officials say the new sanctions represent a major setback for Iran and a victory for the cause of nonproliferation to countries that would gladly give terrorists nuclear weapons to set off in Times Square.