Keith wanted to do some satire, so I let him.
White House Climate Czar John Kerry Wednesday emerged from three days of talks in Beijing bearing a rock-solid commitment from Chinese Communist leaders to remain carbon-neutral during their upcoming invasion of Taiwan.
In a major strike against global warming, China promised to power ten percent of its fleet with windmills and to plant carbon-soaking azaleas, bamboo shoots, and Japanese plum trees immediately upon landing on the coast of Taiwan.
“In the short term, it’s true, the jet fighters and some of the battleships will emit their fair share of greenhouse gases, and the carbon footprint of invading armies battling Taiwanese troops and burning villages will be significant,” Kerry said. “But the climate change mitigation steps agreed to are incredible. While towns and cities will be mowed down, the People’s Liberation Army has promised to leave Taiwanese forests almost completely untouched.”
China also agreed to complete the invasion and the occupation of Taipei, the Taiwanese capital, “as quickly as possible,” Kerry said. Chinese military leaders have cut by “weeks if not months,” previous plans to take over the country, avoiding millions of ton of emissions from tanks and warplanes, Kerry said.
Meantime, the United States promised to reduce its commitment to defending Taiwan to a small, “symbolic” environmentally-friendly gesture involving mostly military-grade hang gliders, a fleet of canoes, and booby-trapped kites.
Chinese leaders expressed satisfaction with the deal. “I believe this agreement demonstrates China’s strong commitment to reducing carbon emissions and ensuring a cooler planet for both the Chinese and the Taiwanese people, not to mention the rest of the world.
Asked to comment, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin said, “Wait, what?”