In a late-night session conducted in the cavernous Capitol Rotunda, President Trump and Democratic and Republican leaders agreed to bury the hatchet — for once not in each other — and join hands in a spirit of unity to lead the country together though the coronavirus crisis.
“Well, we’re not going to actually join hands because that could spread the coronavirus,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi a pack of reporters gathered outside the Capitol. “But we are going to stop calling each other names, unless those names are good names, or the names our parents gave us.”
Pelosi said she even apologized to Trump for impeaching him. “I told him next time it would be just a slap on the wrist, as long as he was wearing surgical gloves,” she said.
An unusually jaunty Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said that as a gesture to Democrats, the next relief bill would include one million dollars to fight climate change.
“I know the gesture I’d like to give them, and it involves balling up just four of five fingers into a fist,” McConnell said. “But I’m headed home for some Kentucky barbecue, and the only bird this senator is going to be flipping is a chicken breast on a grill.”
The coronavirus was on everyone’s mind throughout the meeting. “It was the first time ever Nancy said ‘Get away from me,’ and I knew she was just being nice,” McConnell said.
“I love those guys,” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said of House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, McConnell, and Trump. “Well, love is a strong word. I like them. Well, I don’t not like them. Look, I’ve got to get going.”
Pelosi said discussions were entirely amicable, but nobody mentioned the elephant in the room. “There was an actual elephant in the Rotunda. I don’t know how it got there, but we were getting along so well, everyone just ignored it,” she said
Trump stopped briefly before getting in his motorcade.
“It was the greatest meeting anyone’s ever had on Capitol Hill,” Trump said. “It was amazing, and it was beautiful. No one’s ever seen anything like it. Nancy even agreed to give me funding for a wall, but she said it would need to be used to keep Republicans from wheeling grandma over a cliff. I’m not sure what she meant, but I’m fine with that.”
Trump said the group discussed a Phase Three relief bill, but they couldn’t reach an agreement. “So, we decided to skip Phase Three and move directly to Phase Four,” he said. “Isn’t that fanastic?”
McCarthy said the lawmakers had little trouble adhering to the social distancing requirements. “We generally can’t stand to be within a hundred yards of each other, so six feet wasn’t particularly challenging.”
After McCarthy spoke, the pack of reporters were rounded up by DC police and taken to jail for violating social distancing rules.