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Hillary’s Private Emails Revealed! Okay, Not Exactly

White House Dossier hired a team of unemployed, stoned geeks for a very cheap price – and unlimited munchies – to hack into Hillary Clinton’s server. They succeeded in downloading several hundred emails before someone from LifeLock called.

Here for you, for the first time anywhere, are a few selections from Hillary’s “private” emails sent as Secretary of State.


From: Bill  []
To: Hillary []
Subject: Re: Sexy!
Date: October 10, 2009, 6:20 pm

You were killing me with that pantsuit today.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:21 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Oh, stop.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:22 pm, Bill [] wrote:

No really.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:23 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Oh do go on.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm, Bill [] wrote:

I mean, I really liked the salmon one. But hospital green is just your color.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

I think you’re right.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Bill [] wrote:

It matches your eyes.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

My eyes are blue.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:41 pm, Bill [] wrote:

Okay. Well, you know what I mean.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:42 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Oh, Bill. You’re so romantic.

On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:43 pm, Bill [] wrote:

I know.


From: Hillary []
To: Ambassador to Tunisia []
Subject: Re: WTF???
Date: July 12, 2010, 1:33 pm

What do you mean we’re in Tunisia?

On July 12, 1:34 pm, Ambassador to Tunisia [] wrote:

Well, the plane just landed, and I’m here on the tarmac waiting to greet you.

On July 12, 1:34 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

But we’re supposed to be in Oman.

On July 12, 1:35 pm, Ambassador to Tunisia [] wrote:

Well, if that’s you in the third window from the front, wave.

On July 12, 1:35 pm, Hillary [] wrote:


On July 12, 1:36 pm, Ambassador to Tunisia [] wrote:

You’re in Tunisia.

On July 12, 1:36 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Holy f&*^ing sh&*.

On July 12, 1:36 pm, Ambassador to Tunisia [] wrote:

The President of Tunisia is also out here waiting for you. He has three hours of meetings scheduled with you and a banquet.

On July 12, 1:37 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

F&^$ that. We’re taking off for Oman. I don’t even know who the president of Tunisia is or what the Hell to talk to him about.

On July 12, 1:37 pm, Ambassador to Tunisia [] wrote:

This is going to cause a diplomatic incident.

On July 12, 1:38 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

That’s what I have you for. I’m ordering the pilot to take off.


From: Hillary []
To: Ellen []
Subject: Re: Water NOW please
Date: May 24, 2010, 2:02 pm

Why isn’t my water under the lectern?

On May 24, 2:02 pm, Ellen [] wrote:

I don’t know. I told Tom to put it there.

On May 24, 2:03 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Well you know I’m about to go on and you know I can’t f&*^ing speak if I don’t have water under the lectern. What kind of stupid moron are you?

On May 24, 2:04 pm, Ellen [] wrote:

Well, I can run and get you a bottle.

On May 24, 2:04 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

I’m thirsty now you freak. I don’t want to wait until you go find some water. And you know it has to be Evian.

On May 24, 2:05 pm, Ellen [] wrote:

We have Poland Spring

On May 24, 2:06 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Poland Spring? Are you kidding me? Who do you think I am, the Queen of White Trash? Get me Evian or Fiji Water.

On May 24, 2:08 pm, Ellen [] wrote:

Forget it. I quit, you witch.

On May 24, 2:09 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

You can’t f&*^ing quit until you find me some Fiji Water.

On May 24, 2:09 pm, Hillary [] wrote:


On May 24, 2:10 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Get me some Fiji Water. Now!!! I’m going to have you arrested.

On May 24, 2:10 pm, Hillary [] wrote:

Anyone there???


From: Barack []
To: Hillary []
Subject: Re: Let’s chat
Date: January 10, 2012, 9:40 am

Hi Hillary. I just want to share a few thoughts with you. Are you there?

On January 10, 9:40 am, Hillary [] wrote:

I’m here. What gives?

On January 10, 9:41 am, Barack [] wrote:

Well, here’s the thing. I’ve let you play Secretary of State for three years now, and you haven’t negotiated any big agreements. It, you know, kind of reminds me of Iowa – lots of expectations and no results.

On January 10, 9:42 am, Hillary [] wrote:

Thanks for bringing that up. Look, I’m just inches away from finishing the Burma rainforest deal.

On January 10, 9:43 am, Barack [] wrote:

Yeah, that’s great, I’m really psyched about that one, but it’s not exactly what I was looking for when I put you on my team of rivals.

On January 10, 9:45 am, Hillary [] wrote:

Listen, I’ve been traveling all over the place. I’ve piled up enough frequent flier miles for a trip to Mars.

On January 10, 9:47 am, Barack [] wrote:

Are you interested in maybe heading NASA?

On January 10, 9:48 am, Hillary [] wrote:

No. That’s not what I meant.

On January 10, 9:49 am, Barack [] wrote:

Listen, you see, nobody really has any idea what you’re doing over there. The Middle East is falling apart, our relations with a variety of countries are deteriorating. It just seems like maybe there’s a better fit for you somewhere else.

On January 10, 9:51 am, Hillary [] wrote:

Okay bozo. You don’t want me to dump all my 2008 opposition research about you on the doorstep of the New York Times, do you?

On January 10, 9:52 am, Barack [] wrote:

Hillary, don’t get like that. Please. I’m just looking out for you and wondering what would be best.

On January 10, 9:53 am, Hillary [] wrote:

All the stuff with Daley, Rezko, Blagojevich, that crazy preacher of yours. You want to see it all on CNN? Don’t you have an reelection campaign coming up?

On January 10, 9:53 am, Barack [] wrote:

Let’s just calm down here.

On January 10, 9:54 am, Hillary [] wrote:

In fact, I want to be Secretary of Treasury in your next term.

On January 10, 9:54 am, Barack [] wrote:

This is unreasonable.

On January 10, 9:55 am, Hillary [] wrote:

I’m just joking about Treasury, dumbass. I’m going to quit in a year and mint my own Treasury on the speaking circuit. But until then you keep your mouth shut and let me enjoy my travel.

On January 10, 9:56 am, Barack [] wrote:

Sorry. You’re so right. Please keep me up to date on the Burma deal.

On January 10, 9:57 am, Hillary [] wrote:

Why don’t you ping Huma on it. She’ll let you know. Anything else?

On January 10, 9:58 am, Barack [] wrote:

No. Thanks for your time.

On January 10, 9:59 am, Hillary [] wrote:

Thanks for you time Madame Secretary.

On January 10, 9:59 am, Barack [] wrote:

Thanks for your time, Madame Secretary.

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41 Responses to Hillary’s Private Emails Revealed! Okay, Not Exactly

    • A crummy week at work would be a wonderful alternative to some…no offense, just saying count your blessings not your problems and annoyances.

  1. Probably pretty accurate, although Bill apparently never sent her (or just about anyone else on earth) any emails. Some issue with his I.T. department — couldn’t figure out what the definition of IT is.

  2. That was pretty good. But the anniversary e-mail from SNL was the BEST thing ever! Nothing can match that. “Dear Sir or Madam…” LOL!!!

  3. CRAP! Just heard the O’s took separate planes to L. A. due to a “scheduling conflict”. The conflict you ask? Michelle did not want to go to the VA hospital. Laura would have. Barbara would have. Michelle? Not so much. BTW, hope you all have your taxes done since someone has to pay for this b. s.

    • Thanks, Keith, I needed that. Because I also just heard the freeloaders took two planes to the same place on the same day. It’s as if they want to throw it in our faces at this point.

    • Separate flights, separate security,separate motorcades. I wonder if they stayed in separate hotels?

      I agree the scheduling conflict is Mooch didn’t want to go to the VA hospital. Really shows the hypocrisy of her and Dr. Jill’s photo ops with the military families.

      • Granny, just to complete the picture, there were actually three aircraft in the air for this trip–including Obama’s backup AF1, which always flies on these trips and used if AF1 breaks down. That’s a mighty big carbon footprint. Don’t know if he got additional escort fighter jets on this trip. Probably not.

        • Marcus, would their trips have required separate flights for the advance team?

          Several years back when Obama flew to speak at the Intel plant in Chandler, AZ, we took our grandsons to the airport to see Air Force One. We saw 5 different planes associated with that trip. I wondered if there were even more that we didn’t see. And the motorcade had to have been at least 35 cars. Oh, by the way, that day he spoke about jobs at Intel, all the workers were told to stay home – without pay!

          • Good point. The son of a friend of mine used to be in charge of Obama’s advance preparations. I should call him and check. Doubt he’d give me much of an answer, though. He’s a True Believer. But, yes, there for sure was an advance team, including Secret Service.

  4. I’m not a stoned geek, but I am unemployed and smart, so I know that this server had to bounce off of towers somewhere, so that our good friends at the NSA have all of Hillary’s special e-mails on file, somewhere.
    If, that’s so, then MrObama, et al, and the FBI, et al, already know if there are classified e-mails floating up in the Cloud.

    Yep. They’re up there, just as this comment is now.

  5. LMAO!!Excellent, Keith!

    The only unrealistic part is the Obummer email time stamp. There’s no way he would be up and emailing anyone at 9:40 am. He’d either be sleeping in, or lifting his two pound weights as he watches ESPN.

  6. Keith, do you mind if I ask if the site is going to stay on permanent moderation? I see a few people have been mentioning it the last couple of days.

    Underneath the comment box it says, “Comment moderation is enabled. Your comment may take some time to appear.” Once we submit our comment, we cannot see it at all until it’s released from moderation, (unlike when a random post goes into mod where we can at least see it with a message that it’s in moderation).

    This is why some people are double posting, because they don’t think their posts are going through since they can’t see them. Also, it’s really cutting down on the conversation flow here, and the number of comments. Not to complain, but I’m just wondering if the entire site being on moderation is a permanent thing. Thanks.

      • Keith the ‘system’ is moderating all of them.
        The owner of the comment cannot see their post !.
        No transparency here.
        Conversations are hard to maintain when you can’t hear/see the other contributors.

      • Thanks for replying, Keith. I’m glad I asked because the entire blog was definitely on moderation for the last couple of days and I wondered why. I see that the moderation message is no longer under the comment box, so I guess the posts are now going through right away. Thank you!

  7. OMG, I came here tonight as soon a I saw this:

    I am SO tired of these no-class, wannabee celebrities acting like fools!! It is OUTRAGEOUS that they both flew out to LA on the same day, but on separate planes!

    Anyway, I quickly scrolled through today’s comments and I see AZ Granny and Marcus already posted links about it. Really un-freaking-believable!

  8. Keith.. Your writing is brilliant.Don’t ever get tired of hearing that comment! Keep the satire coming. You are appreciated.
    I commented earlier today but that comment must be out there in the Universe, heading towards a black hole.

  9. Some of you made fun of me for still having AOL dial up when I said I had no problems. I still don’t and I donate to this website. I just love this website and am proud to support it.