As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Obama Announces Plan to Give Every American Their First Job

In a surprise post-State of the Union announcement, President Obama Wednesday made a dramatic entrance into the White House briefing room and offered a proposal for the government to provide every American “who wants a job” with their first job out of college.

“With free daycare, the government will take care of every American child beginning the second they are born,” Obama told a sleepy assemblage of reporters who were up late writing their State of the Union stories. “With free community college, we will provide every American with a complete education,” Obama continued. “And now, we must build on this progress by giving them their first job too. Because that’s who we are as Americans.”

Obama brf rmObama said Congress should immediately approve the plan. “Giving Americans a job should not be a political issue,” he said. “There are no red jobs. There are no blue jobs . . . okay, there are green jobs, but that’s something different.”

White House officials, who described the plan in detail after the president’s appearance, said workers will be situated at newly constructed government hangars located throughout the country.

According a job description provided by the officials, each employee will be required to remove a box from a supply cabinet; take it to another section of the hangar no less than 100 feet away; put it down; wait ten minutes; and then pick it up and put it back in the supply cabinet. The process is then continually repeated.

Other workers will be set up at desks at the entrance to the hangar where they will serve as unarmed security guards. Each will be provided with a novel to read and a pillow.

Officials said workers could stay at the job no more than five years before having to find their second job. “We feel this is enough time to get people accustomed to the nightmare that they may have to work for a living if they can’t figure out a way to get on assistance,” said one official.

The jobs do come with many benefits, however. According to a White House “fact sheet:”

Each worker gets three months paid maternity leave or three months paid paternity leave. They may take six months leave consecutively if gender change occurs at the end of three months.

Unused sick leave can still be taken if the worker is able to fake sounding sick on the phone with sufficient skill.

Managers can tell workers what to do but may be sued if they hurt anyone’s feelings.

However, the job also comes with what White House officials described as “stringent requirements” for workers to ensure “taxpayer money is well spent.”

According to the fact sheet, workers MUST:

Show up no more than half an hour late.

Leave no more than half an hour early.

Smoke pot on the job no more than three days a week.

Spend no more than an hour during the workday on Facebook, and no more than 30 minutes viewing porn.

Marx and Engels were unavailable for comment. A spokesman explained that they were dead. He added, though, that “in some ways, they do continue to live on.”

44 Responses to Obama Announces Plan to Give Every American Their First Job

  1. (Is this “In Event of Boon Disaster” from William SaTire?)

    Will female employees get paid 13% less, as in the White House?

    Will “Atlas Shrugged” be required reading?

    Will those moving boxes need to come back with Democratic voter registration cards?

    Will Al Sharpton report this as news on “Politics Nation”?

    • “Be ABLE to unionize”? Guess Keith forgot to list one of the job requirements. Or perhaps newborns will be getting a Union Card along with their birth certificate (if they HAVE a birth certificate)!!

  2. Okay, I did not watch the SOTU because i was watching the snow melt and am concerned that I missed what was said I appreciate the highlights being spelled out above. i think that this is….[responds to tap on shoulder] huh? what? This was satire – you sure because it sounds like a speech Obama would give

  3. Todays Edit:

    Pursuant to the President’s command of cradle to grave oversight, the following professions are now to be incorporated into the Federal Employee’s Union:

    All Day Care Workers
    All CVS, Rite Aid, Duane Reade Employees
    All Funeral Directors, grave diggers and pole bearers
    Non Cable TV news announcers
    7-11 Employees ( health is our #1 concern)

    The following entities will be summarily shut down permanently as part of the CTG ( Cradle to Grave) legislation, er, proclamation:

    McDonalds, KFC, Dunkin Donuts, Burger King, etc…..


  4. I think we non-parents should get three months “Thank You Carbon Footprint Leave.” I plan to not have about twenty five children, so I’ll start taking my Non-Parent leave today and will see you in about 6.5 years. Keep my checks going to my home address; I’ll let you know if I move.

  5. “Obama said Congress should immediately approve the plan.”

    What plan? Seriously, this guy actually thinks a few talking points and a rough outline is “a plan”. Remember his sticky notes economic plan? It never made it past that point. It’s like an author writing a quick outline of a book, then expecting someone else to actually write the book.

  6. I see you tagged this as satire but you might want to have a big red warning label at the beginning. otherwise the progs will think this is a real column and conservatives are so stupid they didn’t even understand what Obama said.

    • Actually Julierose, they got it, understand it, and will be pushing for it!!

      nice Keith.. but damn close to the truth for some fed govt jobs out there..

  7. You might want to mark this with a disclaimer, since it’s likely some of the MSM is not smart enough to recognize satire when they see it and will report this as a new and marvelous Obama initiative.

  8. Don’t forget the new, full time 24×7 position for someone to follow King Obola around with a large 3′ x 5′ mirror so that anytime he chooses he can see his own sparkling narcissistic reflection (minus of course the devil horns that we all see)…

  9. Keith, you forgot to mention the jobs will automatically be union jobs and wages will be $15 per hour with bonuses for those who can recite at least one sentence from the Communist Manifesto or name the current leader of North Korea.

  10. “My new job creation plan will also include hiring an initial workforce of 100 government employees to oversee one employee in these new, well-paying, family-supporting jobs, whose main function will be to transport each employee from their residence to the worksite using government-furnished electric vehicles, and transport them either to their choice of protest against police brutality of blacks, Wall Street, or other anti-America rallies, or back to their residence.” Obama.

    • And don’t forget, ANOTHER workforce of 100 government employees to follow Biden around, prepared at all times for the necessity of removing Biden’s foot from his mouth! Now wait a minute. That sounds like it could be an actual JOB!

  11. “Each will be provided with a novel to read and a pillow.” – Mr. Koffler

    I think the “reading” part may be a little overly-hopeful, in some cases, although transcripts of all of Obama’s speeches are all incredible works of fiction…

    • Actually the “books” will be on an ipod. Along WITH all of Obama’s speeches. Hey, if it was good enough for the Queen of England, it’s good enough for government employees. I AM wondering why there was no mention of allowing a certain number of hours to surf for porn!! Or maybe that’s just assumed?

  12. “Spend no more than an hour during the workday on Facebook, and no more than 30 minutes viewing porn.” – Mr. Koffler

    How heartless! What about THIS poor guy…

    “Darrell Issa, (R-Calif.) Chairman of the House Oversight Committee, asked EPA officials at a hearing yesterday, where it emerged that an EPA employee viewed two to six hours of porn per day since 2010.

    The employee has over 7,000 porn files on his computer and even watched porn when inspector general agents visited his office, Deputy Assistant Inspector General Allan Williams testified in a statement submitted to the committee. He makes over $120,000 a year and he even received performance awards for his time at the agency. And this man is still employed at the EPA, even though he confessed to the time he spent viewing the pornography.”

    One shudders to think what the “performance awards” were for, but I suppose we should be happy that a bureaucrat was scr@#ing HIMSELF instead of US for a change…