Using bribes and flattery, White House Dossier this morning was able to obtain an advance copy of President Obama’s State of the Union address.
We share with you here the top ten remarks you can expect to hear from Obama this evening.
1. We need a minimum wage. But tonight, I’m also announcing – a maximum wage.
2. I plan to rule by fiat, as well as by Alfa Romeo.
3. Ask not what your country can do for you, unless you need something.
4. In today’s world, even a college education is not enough. That’s why I’m announcing that we need to give everyone the right to a PhD in astrophysics.
5. We need not just to throw the conservatives out of New York, but out of New Jersey, New Mexico, Texas, Michigan, and every state where you might find them, so that tolerance can reign from sea to shining sea.
6. If Republicans don’t like Obamacare, why are they complaining that no one can sign up? Did you ever think of that?
7. I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead my gun control campaign because he understands guns, having frequently shot himself in the foot.
8. We’ve extracted ironclad promises from Iran not to build a nuclear weapons. And I’m announcing this evening that as a back up, we’ve received further promises from the Iranians that if they do build nuclear weapons, they will use them for research purposes only.
9. Still today, we are plagued by the mistakes of George W. Bush. And so we ask him: Why won’t you just leave us alone?
10. Some people are unhappy that I’m slowly establishing a dictatorship, and I say, don’t worry, I’m going to speed it up.