I, Barack Obama, President of these United States, hereby proclaim I had no knowledge of the following things that could really get me in trouble if I did know about them which, as I said, I didn’t.
If you have questions ask Jay so he can refuse to answer them.
1. That the the Obamacare website would crash.
I mean, I don’t HTML from LGBT, okay?
2. Eavesdropping on the phone calls of other world leaders.
You think I care that Merkel has a crush on Berlusconi? Please.
3 . The IRS targeting of the Tea Party.
Why would I single them out? I think it’s well know that I firmly believe the IRS should target everybody.
4. The inadequate security in Benghazi.
Look, before all this, who ever heard of Benghazi, right?
5. That it wasn’t a videotape that caused the Benghazi attack.
If you sound out the Arabic, the phrase for “Let’s plan an attack” sounds exactly like “I hate dees veed yotape.” It’s easy to get confused.
6. Phone records of the Associated Press.
Can you read your phone bill? Neither can I. Enough said.
7. The Fast and Furious gun running operation.
I demand an investigation!
8. That Obamacare could cause people to lose their doctor or their health insurance.
Yeah, I just heard about that. Oh well, sorry.
How about a nice chiropractor?
9. Whose ass to kick.
No one’s angrier than I am, and when I find the right ass, I’m going to kick it.