In the history of mankind, many republics have risen, have flourished for a less or greater time, and then have fallen because their citizens lost the power of governing themselves and thereby of governing their state. TR


WHD Exclusive! Kerry’s Secret Tête–à–Tête

Unbeknownst to the public, Secretary of State John Kerry made a secret trip to Damascus Thursday to meet directly with Syrian President Bashar Assad. White House Dossier has obtained a transcript of the meeting. In this exclusive report, we present it to you in full.


Kerry: President Assad, it’s nice to see you.

Assad: Don’t bullshit me.

Kerry: Oh, okay, well, let’s get down to business. Are you, or are you not, willing to hand over your chemical weapons?

Assad: We’ don’t have any chemical weapons.

Kerry: Wait a second, now we’re moving backward.

Assad: I thought we’re here to plan my birthday party.

Kerry: Excuse me?

Assad: I want cake, balloons, and a thousand Alawite children singing “Blessed be Assad, May Allah Watch Over Him.”

Kerry: I don’t that’s what we’re here to discuss.

Assad: It was hit song a couple of years ago. Even you were singing it.

Kerry: Well that’s not exactly –

Assad: Suppose we do have chemical weapons. How much are you willing to pay for them?

Kerry: Well, that’s not really the issue. It’s your obligation to –

Assad: Listen, John – can I call you John?

Kerry: Yes, of course. Can I call you Bashar?

Assad: No. Now, what I’m telling you is, before I will even discuss how much it will cost you to buy our chemical weapons, if we had them, which we don’t, you have to promise not to bomb us.

Kerry: We’re not discussing a price.

Assad: That’s right. But before we can start, you must pledge never to bomb the Syrian people.

Kerry: Listen, as I said, the bombing would be unbelievably small. You’d hardly notice it. It wouldn’t inconvenience you in the least.

Assad: Okay, but Obama said it’s not going to be a pinprick. So what’s the difference between “unbelievably small” and a “pinprick.”

Kerry: Well, now you’re splitting hairs.


Kerry: That was supposed to be a joke.

Assad: John, you are not a funny man. Not intentionally, anyway. How do you like my tie?

Kerry: It’s a very nice tie, Mr. President.

Assad: It’s garbage. I got if off the rack. Do you realize Ferragamo closed its store in Damascus and won’t even deliver from overseas to us anymore? I’m telling you, we are already suffering here. You must first promise not to bomb us.

Kerry: If we promise not to bomb you, what do we get?

Assad: Ahh, a real Talleyrand, aren’t you? You get our chemical weapons.

Kerry: Well, let may say then, speaking for myself, President Obama, and the United States, we promise not to bomb you.

Assad: Okay, you can have the chemical weapons.

Kerry: Wonderful!

Assad: Both of them. Take them, they’re over there – in the corner. Don’t drop them.

Kerry: Wait a second.

Assad: A deal is a deal. Vladimir wrote that you Americans are exceptionalists, that you’re full of yourselves. Are you full of yourself, John?

Kerry: This is not –

Assad: Getting a bit big headed?


Assad: That was supposed to be a joke. Now take the chemical weapons and get out of here. Put you boots on the ground and start walking. I can’t stand having pathetic weaklings in my presence.

Kerry: You will pay for this.

Assad: That’s unlikely. But go ahead, send a team of five inspectors to Syria next week and we’ll let them look around.

Kerry: Really? Thanks!

Assad: Sure. Tell them to bring a flak jacket, a good pair of running shoes, and just in case, a coffin to go home in.

56 thoughts on “WHD Exclusive! Kerry’s Secret Tête–à–Tête”

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  1. Why don’t we let this play out–Kerry is sort of an easy target, but why? Or is this a way to say again we should be blasting away at this country, which is already leaking refugees trying to drag everything they have to safety–from us!

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    1. Fantastic comic, Mike. It accurately describes the juvenile behavior of Preezy and his horse-faced sidekick. It’s almost like we’re living through a real life remake of “It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World”, only the secret treasure everybody is chasing are the long lost WMDs.

  2. Maybe if Assad just had a ‘cooler’ name like JLo or Beyoncé, meetings and negotiations would flow .. but all I could come up with was BashAss. LOL

  3. Whenever I see that multi-medaled , three month Vietnam hero show his face on TV, I never know what to expect….a”hoot” or a “neigh” ! !

  4. Obama sent Robert Malley on a special mission to Syria, among other Middle East stops (not including Israel) around May 9 2008. This caused much consternation at AIPAC. Obama mollified them by calling off the trip, such did he want their vote. Obama sent Malley on the same trip around November 8, 2008, just after getting about 90% of the AIPAC vote. So much for their insight.
    So Assad was Obama’s buddy along with being vetted by Hillary and dining in style with the Kerry couple. Imagine how disillusioned Bashar must be now!
    This ‘transcript’ was hilarious in part because it is so plausible.

  5. Keith:

    Jon Stewart needs to give you a slot on his show. Think of the audience you could reach. They already love political humor. Why not some great stuff from “the other side”…

  6. Your satire has perfectly defined the haughty and clueless John Kerry to a T. He’s really so obtuse it doesn’t register to him that he’s being mocked by the enemy.

  7. Meanwhile, back on the farm:

    Russian officials say at least 37 people have died in a fire that swept through a psychiatric hospital in northwest Russia, the second such incident in Russia this year.

    Officials in the region of Novgorod said Friday that at least one worker trying to save patients from the blaze was among the dead. Of about 60 people believed to be in the facility when the fire broke out, at least 20 were safely evacuated.


    In April, fire ravaged a psychiatric hospital near Moscow, killing 38 people. The incident raised questions about fire safety and emergency escape plans at such facilities.

  8. “Getting a bit big headed?”

    Pretty funny stuff. JK needs to lay off of the Botox, though. It’s plumping his rather square features up too much.

    His head looks like a milk jug with a dead beaver on the top…

  9. Very funny piece Keith. Clever.

    And we all know it is a good piece of writing because from what I have seen John Kerry is incapable of giving a short response. That man goes on and on and on. Like Obama off TOTUS. Probably a job requirement at this level.

  10. You teabaggers must be so pissed this was solved peacefully. Bunch of hack chickenhawks. What would W do-oh yeah kill 4000 and spend a trillion. What a bunch of self-reinforcing bufoons you are

    1. Bless your little petrified heart. Didn’t your paymasters at OFA tell you? Your messiah is the one who wanted to fire off a couple hundred Tomahawk cruise missiles into Syria to kill indiscriminately.

  11. Friday afternoon dump:

    In a private, closed door mtg. Obama called in his troops (journalistas) to inform them that he will not insist on UN threat of force to ensure that Syria lives up to CW deal but will seek other consequences.

    According to reporters, Obama aides did say that Obama would retain the right to consider military action even if such language isn’t in the UN agreement.

    Putin must be highly amused watching Obama attempting to get back on his tricycle! It’s a good thing he was wearing his safety helmet.


  12. Well, now that we have Assad and Putin’s word on chemical weapons there will be no need to worry about enforcement if violated, so all is right with the world. Hey Amerika — look new comrades!

    A bust of Lenin is on its way to fill the space of that old Churchill thing.

    Of course, Vlad and Barry went golfing.

    The Kerrys and the Assads will be able to have dinner again in style — all in the interest of diplomacy of course. Perhaps there will be another Vogue spread now that they are an accepted power couple again. But Vlad has new arm candy and is recently divorced. That might be a possibility too. Have to be careful here because Vlad’s new young thang is a former gymnast and her arms are looking pretty good. Can’t be showing up the Water WonderWoman.

    So many changes coming our way.

    Siberian husky to replace Portuguese water dogs?

      1. Too funny. I saw that elsewhere.

        I didn’t realize this linked to the other pictures. I was just linking the golf. Oh well, there are some giggles. And without giggles I am feeling pretty low…..:)

  13. Three college friends of accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev pleaded not guilty on Friday to charges that they helped cover his tracks when the FBI was trying to find the people responsible for the April 15 attack.

    All three are charged with going to Tsarnaev’s dorm room three days after the bombing and removing a laptop and a backpack containing empty fireworks shells after receiving a text message from him telling them to “go to my room and take what’s there,” according to court papers.


    Tazhayakov’s lawyer, Nicholas Woolridge, said after the hearing that his client was being unfairly targeted because of the severity of the attack.

    “You mention the word ‘terrorism,’ everybody gets scared, everybody is ready to burn somebody at the stake,” Woolridge said. “That’s basically what’s happening here.”



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