As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Top Ten Things Obama Plans to Say in Israel

President Obama will to leave for Israel Tuesday night, and he desperately wants to make a good impression in order to atone for his lousy handling of the relationship to date.

This will be a carefully scripted trip, and White House Dossier has obtained some of the exact lines written for Obama to say in order to make nice with the Israelis.

Here are the top ten:

1. Some of my best friends are Jews.

2. I’m very supportive of your Apartheid system.

3. If your ass gets in a sling, I’ve got your back.

4. To show my support, I’d like to play on your best golf course.

5. So Bibi, have you seen any good movies lately?

6. Look, we took all the land from the Indians, so why shouldn’t you have the right to steal all the land from the Palestinians?

7. Okay, give me your best chopped liver sandwich!

8. I hope you are satisfied that we eliminated the threat from Mubarak.

9. How about that Ahmadinejad. Isn’t he Meshuganah?

10. If you ever lose Israel, you’ll always have Miami Beach.


Okay gang, any that you’re aware of?

33 Responses to Top Ten Things Obama Plans to Say in Israel

  1. “You know, I actually thought about converting to Judaism in my younger years. Then I saw how much devotion, hard work, and staying true to one’s word it took so I decided to become President instead. None if that work or truth stuff for me.”

        • I just put “Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni” into Google images. The immediate response of those doing so may be a religious name, but it won’t be “Satan”.

          He looks like Obama at a Trayvon Martin tribute.

        • Satan is black and looks like BarryO, Samson is shown as black in the TV series…He is Jewish, not black…don’t know about Satan…but a picture says a thousand words…they’re slowly rewriting history in accordance with Barry’s law…

          it’s getting more ridiculous every day…

  2. The F-16s I sent to Egypt were loaded with matzah for the holidays – Morsi promised they would only drop matzah bombs.

    Golan Heights!?! I thought it was Goal n’ Heights. I’ll let Dennis Rodman know.

    What d’ya mean you don’t want to be pushed into the sea … where’s that Moses guy who parts waters.

    Give my staff directions to J-Street.

  3. The NY Times has a few others in their upcoming Tuesday Edition:
    11) I have Israel getting into the Final Four in my Middle East Bracket.
    12) At least the folks in Gaza are safer than the folks in Chicago
    13) Harvey Weinstein says, “hey”
    14) I AM the 2nd Coming
    15) Don’t tell Michelle but I love this pickled herring.
    16) Joe would love it hear. Everyone has a shotgun.
    17) “Bibi, when did you realize the Republicans want all Jewish Grandmothers to go off a cliff?”
    18) Wait a second! Where are all the oil wells? I thought this was the Middle East.
    19) I NEED BACON!
    20) The healthcare system here is awesome. Must be all the Jewish doctors.

  4. Uh, don’t worry about those F-16’s and the uh Abrams tanks that we’re sending over to Morsi….uh they haven’t worked properly in years so we uh decided to give them away to your friendly neighbor.. heh, heh, heh

  5. Here are the better top ten:

    1. Some of my best dead friends are Jews!

    2. I’m very supportive of your conflict with Iran!

    3. If your ass gets in a sling, don’t look back!

    4. To show my support, I’d like to play through on my way to Damascas!

    5. So Bibi, have you seen any good gay porn lately!

    6. Look, talking about the U.S. and the Washington Redskins will get you nowhere on talking about you giving back everything to the Palestinians!

    7. Okay, when we talk about stopping Iran, we are really talking about chopped liver!

    8. I hope you are satisfied that we eliminated the threat against Israel from Mexico.

    9. How can I draft young white boys and get them to like me a real, real lot?

    10. Watch the Bible miniseries and thing about who you are talking to!

  6. ## “Say, did you hear the one about the Priest, the Rabbi and the Minister?”

    There isn’t one comment (including MrK’s satire) that is PC in today’s culture.
    It’s so refreshingly retro to see this kind of humor that has been forbidden by the seriously rigid elite. In this age of “coded” race words and imagined slurs of just about anyone for anything, we forget how it used to be.

    As a decendents of Polish grandparents, we knew and told every “Polish” joke in a goodnatured manner. Every ethnic or religious group had jokes and satire that was told in (and out) of their community. No wars were started, no rioting was done in the street, but a shared sense of the ridicule for all our differences.

    • That’s all part of the ruling class’ divide and conquer strategy, srdem. Rather than recognizing us all as American citizens with equal protection under the law, they Balkanize us into warring groups.

      My husband and I were watching “The Quiet Man” on TCM last night. There is a scene in the movie where the character Sean (John Wayne) pulls his wife Mary Kate (Maureen O’Hara) out of a railroad car and drags her 5 miles across an Irish village to confront her brother. We looked at each other and agreed that scene would never happen in a movie today. Definitely not PC. Conversely, Hollyweird would have no qualms about scripting the character to pull out an AK47 and mow his wife down in a hail of bullets. That would be just dandy.

  7. What difference does it make WHAT he says? It’s all taqiyya with HIM, and everyone – Jew, Arab, Europe – everyone but his VOTERS that is – KNOWS it.

    “Muslims are allowed to lie to unbelievers in order to defeat them. The two forms are:

    Taqiyya – Saying something that isn’t true.

    Kitman – Lying by omission. An example would be when Muslim apologists quote only a fragment of verse 5:32 (that if anyone kills “it shall be as if he had killed all mankind”) while neglecting to mention that the rest of the verse (and the next) mandate murder in undefined cases of “corruption” and “mischief.”

    Though not called Taqiyya by name, Muhammad clearly used deception when he signed a 10-year treaty with the Meccans that allowed him access to their city while he secretly prepared his own forces for a takeover. The unsuspecting residents were conquered in easy fashion after he broke the treaty two years later, and some of the people in the city who had trusted him at his word were executed.

    Another example of lying is when Muhammad used deception to trick his personal enemies into letting down their guard and exposing themselves to slaughter by pretending to seek peace. This happened in the case of Ka’b bin al-Ashraf (as previously noted) and again later against Usayr ibn Zarim, a surviving leader of the Banu Nadir tribe, which had been evicted from their home in Medina by the Muslims.

    At the time, Usayr ibn Zarim was attempting to gather an armed force against the Muslims from among a tribe allied with the Quraish (against which Muhammad had already declared war). Muhammad’s “emissaries” went to ibn Zarim and persuaded him to leave his safe haven on the pretext of meeting with the prophet of Islam in Medina to discuss peace. Once vulnerable, the leader and his thirty companions were massacred by the Muslims with ease, belying the probability that they were mostly unarmed, having been given a guarantee of safe passage (Ibn Ishaq 981).

    Such was the reputation of Muslims for lying and then killing that even those who “accepted Islam” did not feel entirely safe. The fate of the Jadhima is tragic evidence for this. When Muslim “missionaries” approached their tribe one of the members insisted that they would be slaughtered even though they had already “converted” to Islam to avoid just such a demise. However, the others were convinced that they could trust the Muslim leader’s promise that they would not be harmed if they simply offered no resistance. (After convincing the skeptic to lay down his arms, the unarmed men of the tribe were quickly tied up and beheaded – Ibn Ishaq 834 & 837).

    Today’s Muslims often try to justify Muhammad’s murder of poets and others who criticized him at Medina by saying that they broke a treaty by their actions. Yet, these same apologists place little value on treaties broken by Muslims. From Muhammad to Saddam Hussein, promises made to non-Muslim are distinctly non-binding in the Muslim mindset.

    Leaders in the Arab world routinely say one thing to English-speaking audiences and then something entirely different to their own people in Arabic. Yassir Arafat was famous for telling Western newspapers about his desire for peace with Israel, then turning right around and whipping Palestinians into a hateful and violent frenzy against Jews.

    The 9/11 hijackers practiced deception by going into bars and drinking alcohol, thus throwing off potential suspicion that they were fundamentalists plotting jihad. This effort worked so well, in fact, that even weeks after 9/11, John Walsh, the host of a popular American television show, said that their bar trips were evidence of ‘hypocrisy.’

    The transmission from Flight 93 records the hijackers telling their doomed passengers that there is “a bomb on board” but that everyone will “be safe” as long as “their demands are met.” Obviously none of these things were true, but these men, who were so intensely devoted to Islam that they were willing to “slay and be slain for the cause of Allah” (as the Qur’an puts it) saw nothing wrong with employing Taqiyya in order to facilitate their mission of mass murder.

    The Islamic Society of North America (ISNA) insists that it “has not now or ever been involved with the Muslim Brotherhood, or supported any covert, illegal, or terrorist activity or organization.” In fact, it was created by the Muslim Brotherhood and has bankrolled Hamas. At least nine founders or board members of ISNA have been accused by prosecutors of supporting terrorism. ”

    That’s our Hopey.

  8. Anyway, Obama’s already BEEN to the Holy Land. SEVERAL times. The most famous, of course, being ~ 31 AD, during the prefecture of Pontius Pilate…

    BTW, we’re coming up on Easter. I bet Hopey STILL gets hopping mad about that whole “Resurrection” thing, and he’s had over 2,000 years to get over it!

    He really keeps that “REVENGE!” thing going…

    • “Please allow me to introduce myself
      I’m a man of wealth and taste
      I’ve been around for a long, long year
      Stole many a man’s soul and faith
      And I was round when Jesus Christ
      Had his moment of doubt and pain
      Made damn sure that Pilate
      Washed his hands and sealed his fate………”