As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Michelle Obama’s Top Ten New Food Laws

White House sources tell me Michelle flew into a jealous rage when informed of New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s decision to limit soda sizes. She immediately gathered her staff in the East Wing and began creating a new set of proposals to reduce caloric consumption nationwide.

White House Dossier has obtained a copy of the proposals. We provide for your perusal here the ten most effective and innovative ideas on the first lady’s list.


1. Half & Half to be changed to Three Quarters & One Quarter.

2. McDonald’s employees required to apply electric shock to customers every time they say “Supersize it.”

3. All Marijuana imported into the United States must be specially formulated so as not to induce “the munchies.”

4. Donuts now required to have two holes.

5. Parents permitted to feed children vegetables via suppository.

6. Girl Scouts required to warn customers about the potential health risks of Girl Scout Cookies.

7. New “extra small” sodas in movie theaters served on a washcloth and must be sucked off.

8. Frozen yogurt must actually be frozen yogurt.

9. Hostess Cupcakes to be filled with mashed potatoes.

10. Federal law now prohibits unscrewing Oreos, eating the creme filling, and throwing out the cookies. Note: Mandatory jail time for performing this act using Double Stuff Oreos.


Heard of any of your own?

50 Responses to Michelle Obama’s Top Ten New Food Laws

  1. #11 All customers eating at “buffet” style restaurants will be required to do Michelle approved pushups prior to each trip through the line.

  2. 12. A Waiver to any and all of these Laws may be obtained by sending a check in the amount of $5k (per person) to OBAMA 2012 PO Box 911 Chicago, Il………

  3. – all ice cream will be in the form of dry ice
    – all ball park franks will be filled with air
    – all bread will be gluten free
    – all kobe/wagu beef will be sold to millionaires only
    – All corporate jets will only be allowed to fly without snacks

  4. Potato Chips must now be sold in individually wrapped packages, and sold in single units of one chip per pack only. This also applies to Doritos and other snack chips.

  5. RE: Number 5. Parents permitted to feed children vegetables via suppository. Keith I feel as though EVERYTHING the entire Obama Administration is doing is being fed to me via suppository!!!!!!!!!!

  6. It’s all in fun, I know, but it rings so true that I don’t find the nanny-socialist attitude of elected and appointed officials all across the political scene amusing anymore..
    No Big Gulps, no salt, you can’t sing this, you can’t say that, get in line and quit complaining. The know-it-alls who want to control everything that other’s do, say or eat have gone over the edge of the barrier that separates us from tyrannical regimes.

    Who the heck is Michelle Obama to coerce private business’ to change their menus to her liking? She’s the President’s wife, nothing more.
    Who gave the EPA the power to close the coal mines, to destroy small business’ and to make the everyday lives of people miserable? We sure didn’t. The Mayor of NYC thinks his job is to prevent people from dietary excesses, school principals are determining that songs about America might offend someone and we’re the worst for it.
    We’re spending a billion dollars to give poor people cell phones, why? Our government has authorized thousands of drones to fly over Americans, looking for what? Are these drones armed? who knows.

    November can’t come fast enough for me.

    • Excellent comments, srdem. Twenty-one weeks from today, it will all be over, thankfully. Actually, I won’t really relax until January 2013 when they’ve vacated the WH for good.

    • My sodium count is low so Michelle I depriving me of a medical necessity she’s not got an MD after her name these rules could
      seriously affect some people’s health. Guess as long as HRH gets her way who cares about the rest of us poor folks.

  7. 14. A ten day waiting period and background check before the purchase of butter, bacon, or ice cream.

    15. Church bake sale ladies will be rounded up and sent to “re-education camps” where they will learn to make rice cakes, granola and tofu.

    16. Paula Deen Cookbooks will be collected and burned. “For the good of the collective.”

  8. Keith – funny stuff! Read it twice — laughed aloud each time! And I guess I’ll be serving some time ’cause that’s exactly how I eat my Double Stuf Oreos!

  9. ROFL, Keith! Just read a Drudge headline where Mayor Doomberg wants to limit the size of popcorn servings and milk products. What’s next – limiting the amount of ‘mother’s milk’ for babies? I dunno….it’s getting too scary out there! We have friends from Canada staying with us for the next 2 weeks – I’m weighing the pros and cons of becoming an ex-pat if Obama gets re-elected. So far, it’s looking good for Romney, thankfully!

      • A.J., YES, it would!

        And, I bet 10s of thousands of males would be lining up to apply for each open position!

        As for where to put an MMM? I figure the best place would be her breast pump…….You ever seen one of those things? Google it!

        LOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL! Thanks for the laughs!

  10. Speaking of the one and only hypocrite herself (and sorry, our reply is a bit off topic), seems that MO is encouraging folks to send BHO “Father’s Day” wishes (along with cash)–

    Funny isn’t it that she expects everyone else to wish him a Happy Father’s Day when she won’t even be there to celebrate with him–the father of HER children (see right side margin of this discussion for “Michelle’s Crystal Ball”).

    Then again, their children may have asked him, Dad, what do you want for Father’s Day–his reply–a day without your Mother hounding me about eating burgers/bbq/ice cream, etc. Maybe she’s out of town at his request-lol!!!

    • Hey, he’ll be happy with them gone because he can spend Father’s Day on his HUNDREDTH round of golf. I hope Keith does a post to commemorate the occasion.

  11. Additional food law:

    ONLY if you are the FLOTUS will you be permitted to pick up two gourmet pies (at $16 each), take your kids and ten friends out to Red Robin for cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes, and take your kids and a couple of friends to Pinkberry for frozen yogurt ALL in one week (actually within just a few days time).

    Everyone else, please spend your week digging up some green beans in your garden. Or, “Eat your peas!”

  12. WAIVERS from these rules to be issued by HHS Secretary: include
    1 The White House
    2 Air Force One
    3 Marine One
    4 Any Obama Fund Raiser
    5 Any party hosted by George Clooney, Sarah Jessica Parker, or Opra Winfrey
    6.Any beach property in Hawaii
    7 Any property on Martha’s Vineyard
    8 Any property of + 5000 square feet in the Hamptons

  13. Read this out loud to my 17 year old and he laughed! It started a wonderful conversation and I’m happy to report I’ve raised a conservative! Thank you Keith, even if this was not the intended purpose of the post!

    It was really funny! Especially the comments!

    • A 17 year-old Conservative!?!?!?!?!? Hallelujah! And I thought I was the last one back in 1967. But maybe that was just here in Kah-lee-for-nee-ah!!

    • I’m actually going to try a recipe for avocado-chocolate cupcakes, only because I bake for side income and I have a vegan friend I’m trying them out for. Michelle would be so proud of me!

  14. Michelle has proven a long held belief that eating too much caviar will give you thunder thighs. Wonder if she has checked the caloric value of her favorite appetizer.

    • Me thinks….
      Ms Michele…
      people who live in glass houses…
      should not throw stones..
      She is a bit hippy…. and hypocritical?
      I saw… Butttt out BIG BRUDDAH/SISTA…
      take care of yo own laundry first.. before
      U tell the taxpayers what they can eat/drink/ blah blah.
      ps.. we make $$ off our sales in our private school.. those
      homemade cupcakes are going over just fine..
      Let the parents decide BIG MAMA….
      Can’t wait until NOV…. it’s bay bay bay….baby…

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