As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

“Thank You Sandra Fluke!” Satire for The Daily Caller

Hi everyone.

I hope you have a moment to take a look at this satirical piece I did for The Daily Caller titled, “Thank You Sandra Fluke, Because I’ve Gotta Have It.”

Here’s an excerpt to whet your appetite:

Georgetown law student and part-time reproductive rights activist Sandra Fluke wants her Catholic university to pay for her birth control so she can have as much sex as she wants without incurring a serious medical condition known as pregnancy, and I don’t blame her.

Sex feels really, really good. And I think we can all agree feeling good while eliminating the downside to feeling good is a legitimate public policy objective . . .

I think it is perfectly reasonable to demand that employer-sponsored health insurance provide, for free, a variety of tools that are even more effective at warding off a range of adverse health consequences that, in some cases, are even worse than having a baby . . .


Studies have shown that ingesting alcoholic beverages while eating uncooked animal products helps kill bacteria and reduce the chance of food poisoning, which, like pregnancy, is a preventable medical condition.

So how am I going to have my sushi and enjoy it unless I have access to a good bottle of sake?

Hope you get a chance to read it and that you enjoy.


41 Responses to “Thank You Sandra Fluke!” Satire for The Daily Caller

  1. Excellent article Keith. You so humorously satirize the absurdity of the absurd. Hope to see more of your articles in Daily Caller. I’m a loyal reader of Chatsworth Osborn Jr.’s site, as Rush affectionately calls Tucker Carlson.

    • Susan, I just want to thank you. Today I got news from my friend in NYC, that he is sending me a copy of Eric Hoffer’s “The True Believer”. I am very excited waiting for the book, as everything I am reading regarding the author and the book indicates a must-read essay on Mass Movements. Thanks Susan!!!

      • You will not be disappointed with the book Jack. It is pretty frightening though. Mark Levin deserves the thanks. The man amazes me with his wealth of knowledge and passion for the preservation of our freedom and liberty.

  2. You know, you actually made a beautiful analogy perhaps without realizing it.

    If you eat sushi or any of those other nasty raw fishy things, then you are opening yourself up to a parasite. A parasite as defined by the CDC web site is: “an organism that lives on or in a host and gets its food from or at the expense of its host. Parasites can cause disease in humans. Some parasitic diseases are easily treated and some are not. The burden of these diseases often rests on communities in the tropics and subtropics, but parasitic infections also affect people in developed countries.”

    Unprotected sex or sex without the use of contraception may result in a pregnancy. A child depends on its hosts, I mean parents, for food, shelter, and other expenses from the time they exit the birth canal until they exit the front door for good. Children also bring home a variety of illnesses, causing the host, parents, to get sick. How many times has a child infected a parent with a cold or flu carried home from school or daycare? Thus the child makes the host ill. Children, like parasitic diseases, can be treated, however is the host/parent is of a moral underpinning the treatment will not begin until the child/parasite is 18.

    There is always the risk of reinfection by the child/parasite later in life, as many hosts/parents know. The host/parent can be reinfected by the child/parasite once the child/parasite is out of college, law school, what have you and can’t find a job.

    With the growing populations in second and third world regions, I would expect an increase in child/parasite infections, and a wearing down of the host/parent population. However, as the CDC points out, the risk of infection by the child/parasite to host/parents is possible, and I would claim growing in first world nations, especially this nation.

    Since we are looking to force employers to cover all manner of “health” activities, then I think the government should mandate that insurers be forced to pay support to the host/parent who still has a child/parasite living at home, even if they have a Georgetown law degree and can’t find a real job.

    • Bravo Shofar! Very clever analogy, and oh so true. My question…why haven’t the hosts/parents of this so-called innocent co-ed come forward to defend the honor of their child/parasite like the _resident did? I’d be ashamed to come forward too. I would have to admit my failure as a host/parent for not raising my child/parasite with any values or judgment. I would have to admit my responsibility for raising a selfish, shallow child/parasite such as this.

      • As we are heading towards a more European society model, the “child parasite” will not longer be the responsibility of the parents.
        Fortunately after November we are going to be heading in the opposite direction.

        “Spain – A couple have been arrested on charges of alleged ‘illegal detention’ of their 16-year-old daughter, after she reported them to the Civil Guard in Andalusia on February 28th (…) Apparently, the father decided that his daughter could not go out, as a way of reprimanding her for her behavior. According to the Diario de Jaén it was “an isolated case, the kind of punishment common in any household, and one which his wife supported”(..).

      • Parasite? Kids? Are you calling my kids bugs? I once was describing a sales position at a company that attempted to up sell customers after the initial purchase. I said to that the up sell crew were parasitic to the main sales people. This was without an original sale being made, they had no opportunity to make one. So, in essence that group was living off the other. One (not too bright) individual spoke up and said, “are you calling me a bug?”

        The point is be careful about calling people parasites.

        • Justavet –

          While I appreciate your concern that I might offend someone with things that I write, truthfully, to quote Rhett Butler, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

          If someone is offended by anyone’s speech or writing, then perhaps they need to look at the content and context of the statement. To often we are caught up in the “PC” of words, and do not hear the message.

          Swift, when he published his “A Modest Proposal,” was ignored by some, pilloried by others, and a portion of Irish and English society realized that he was writing satire. If I could reach even one tenth the level of satire that Swift attained in his writing, I would be overjoyed.

          If someone thinks that I am literally calling a child a bug or parasite, and they get offended by the analogy, then they must not have kids.

    • The first video is frightening. What a morally corrupt young woman. Cough drops – the mandate. That video made me laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing.

  3. There is something about Ms. Fluke that has been bothering me, and I don’t think anyone has asked her.

    First off, what is her sexual orientation? Not that I care who she sleeps with, but if she is straight, then why does the burden of birth control fall on the woman only? Are not men also a part of the process? I would think that a woman with Fluke’s education would only be involved with similarly educated males, and at her age in life (30ish?) she should understand the duality of the responsibility. Unless of course she has no self control, and simply sleeps with whomever comes her way.

    If she is gay, then the birth control debate on her part is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. As a friend of mine from college used to say, “Being a lesbian is great! I can sleep with whoever I want and not worry about getting knocked up.”

    So what is it Ms. Fluke? Are you so unable to control your own personal urges, and take a minute or so to have your partner put on a condom, that you need to have birth control pills. Is there some other medical reason for your need for B/C pills – and if it’s to control acne, then no I don’t think anyone but you should pay for them. Are you gay? If so, then why do you need the pill?

    To me, these are legitimate questions that need to be asked of this woman. But they won’t be asked by the MSM, and she won’t go on any show or talk to any media that is not in step with the O Team.

    • She didn’t say the “control” was for her–for some reason, she isn’t sexy to me anyhow, although I am a woman. She will pay a price for making people think of her as Shofar is here–it will linger.

    • You are not alone wondering. I raised the same question on another site.

      I find “All the President’s Women less than femme fatale (Jarrett, Tchen, Siegel….).

      If the link doesn’t show, just do an engine search (photo included) at the UK Telegraph.

      Michelle Obama’s prom date describes their high school …

    • Well, according to O’Reilly, Fluke’s boyfriend is the son of a “Democratic stalwart” who “has made at least 56 donations to many Democratic candidates or organizations. However it doesn’t prove anything regarding sexual orientation, but as you said, who cares about that, really? There are more important issues to resolve than dealing with this silly and obviously spoiled brat.

      • Did you see that Ms. Fluke and her boyfriend traveled across country to CA to visit his dad? Odd that she can’t afford contraception yet she can afford a plane ticket.

  4. Thanks for the laugh today.
    I do have two suggestions to aid you until the government pays for everything:
    make the child sleep on the floor with the cat, and
    forget the attack dog, just put a sign in the front yard that says “Proud Member of the NRA Lives Here”.

  5. “Hope you get a chance to read it and that you enjoy.”

    I did and I did.

    Sorry to say you’re right about Standard Poodles. Ours isn’t even ferocious. She’s so friendly that walkers past our house have taken to bringing doggie treats for her. I’d go with the Dobermann.

    Thanks for a good read.

  6. I don’t see what all the anguish is about. Nothing wrong with some misguided, inexperienced, naive little girl asking if the government could pay for contraception. But there’s nothing wrong (and everything right) if smarter, more experienced, responsible adults say “NO”. And that answer being the end of the debate.

  7. I enjoyed it very much, thank you Keith.
    Sandra Fluke is 30 years old, studying at the very expensive Georgetown University and this woman ( hardly a schoolgirl) wants someone else to pay for her activities in her private life ? Hmmm… You wrote before that the White House might be behind this and if so she is an odd choice for an activist.
    By the way, we eat raw, marinated fish ( herring, salmon) all the time in my country and we often combine it with snaps ( schnapps). From this debate I got an idea, why not ask our government to subsidize the snaps bottles ?

    • Better watch what you wish for William. The goal of the earth worshipers is to keep the woods pristine and free from us nasty humans making a mess of it. Once they gain control of the distribution of all trekking poles and bear spray, they control the activity.