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Obama and Sarkozy: The Secret Transcript

In a remarkable scoop, White House Dossier has obtained a transcript of the portion of the private chat between President Obama and French President Nicolas Sarkozy that was not accidentally broadcast to reporters. It seems their conversation went from bad to worse.

We faithfully relay it to you here.


Sarkzoy: Liar! Zat Netanyahu is a liar. And I told him so to his face.

Obama: You did? Really?

Sarkozy: Well no. But I implied it. I said, “Sir, you cannot pull zee wools over my eyes.” And zen I threw a croissant at him.

Obama: A croissant.

Sarkozy: I don’t mess around.

Obama: What did he lie about?

Sarkozy: He said Israel has a cuisine. Can you imagine? France has a cuisine. Italy has a cuisine. Israel has no cuisine.

Obama: America?

Sarkozy: America has . . . America has . . . you have French restaurants, right?

Obama: Yes.

Sarkzoy: So America has a cuisine. But Israel has not a cuisine. It’s an insult. And what about you? You say Netanyahu is a pain in zee us?

Obama: A pain in the what?

Sarkozy: Zee us! You know, zee rear end.

Obama: Oh. I thought you were talking about some kind of rock group, you know, The Us. Like The Who.

Sarkozy: Oh, I love zee Ooh.

Obama: Yeah, well, every other day he’s on the phone with me, like, “Mr. President, Israel has to survive, and blah blah blah.” And I’m sitting there, you know, giving the finger to the phone, thinking “Why don’t you just spread some of the wealth around to the Palestinians?” But all I say is “yeah, yeah, yeah, I got it.” Because if I say one cross word to him he runs right to AIPAC and tells them I’m mistreating him.

Sarkozy: Zat bastard.

Obama: So how’s the debt crisis going?

Sarkozy: Not too bad. Zee German cow and zee Dim Sum chef are sending money to Greece and Italy.

Obama: You mean Merkel and Hu Jintao?

Sarkozy: Of course.

Obama: Two more annoying people.

Sarkozy: Who do you think is the most annoying world leader of all?

Obama: Oh, I guess they all annoy me to some extent. Maybe it’s that South Korean dude, President Lee. He’s always like, “Oh, oh, North Korea might invade us,” and I’m like, “Strap on some balls you moron. We’re not coming to save you. We’ll be leading from behind back in San Diego.” And of course he wants everyone in America driving a Hyundai but he won’t take any of our cars. I’m thinking, “Hey, I’m going to take a Buick and stuff it down your throat.”

Sarkozy: Yeah, and he’s a big liar too. And his food is unnecessarily spicy. The Koreans have to learn subtlety and small portions.

Obama: Alright, we’ve got to wrap it up. I’ve got to meet with the German cow next and then I’m jamming with Il Duce.

Sarkozy: Oh, tell Berlusconi I said hello. By zee way, do you really think I’m ugly?

Obama: Of course not Nicolas. You look nicer than, you know, a lot of people. Goodbye now.

Sarkozy: Au revoir.

Obama: Angela, nice to see you!

Merkel: Wonderful to see you too, Mr. President.

Obama: Sorry about the smell in here. Boy, those Frogs, they really should take a bath once in while!

Merkel: Bwahahahahaha!

Obama: Bwahahahahaha!

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