As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Extra! Extra! Michelle’s Angry Vineyard Exit!

As you are probably aware, President Obama had cut his vacation a day short, returning to Washington Friday. After initially saying Mrs. Obama would stay until Saturday as scheduled, the White House changed it’s mind and said the first lady would indeed be traveling with the president.

This got White House Dossier thinking that MAYBE MRS. OBAMA TOOK SOME CONVINCING to end her vacation early. And so WHD began to do some agressive reporting on the matter. Late last night we were able to obtain a transcript from a listening device that had once been placed in the Obama compound  by the late comedian Soupy Sales, who had stayed there many years ago.

What follows is a portion of the transcript, in which White House political adviser David Plouffe begins the effort to convince Mrs. Obama she has to depart early.


Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I need to speak with you for a minute.


Plouffe: Mrs. Obama?

Michelle: Can’t you see I’m trying to get the meat out of the claw? It’s very tricky. I need to concentrate.

Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you . . .

Michelle: Oh no, another masseuse quit?

Plouffe: No, I’m afraid you’re going to have to cut the vacation short and leave a day earlier than planned.

Michelle: Oh, well I have some bad news for you: I’m staying. Now scram.

Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, the president has to leave a day early to deal with the hurricane, and we’d like you to come with him.

Michelle: You think I’m taking orders from a little worm like you? You look skinny. Why don’t you go get something to eat, worm? If he wants to go, rev up his jet and get him out of here. Now let me finish my lobster.

Plouffe: Mrs. Obama, I’m really sorry, but we’re worried about the symbolism of the first lady remaining on a luxurious vacation while the East Coast is getting destroyed by a hurricane.

Michelle: Symbolism? How about the symbolism of me smacking you over the head with seashell?

Plouffe: Now Mrs. Obama, I don’t think that’s necessary.

Michelle: I’ll show you what’s necessary.

(She throws a lobster tail at him)

Plouffe: This isn’t working. (Calling out) Mr. President? Mr. President? You need to speak with Mrs. Obama.

Obama: (from far away): I’m busy.

Plouffe: Busy with what?


Obama: I’m on the phone.

Plouffe: Who are you on the phone with?


Obama: I’m in the bathroom.

Plouffe: Mr. President, can you come over here?

Obama: I’m . . . I’m on the phone in the bathroom.

Plouffe: Mr. President!

Obama: Okay, I’m coming.

(Obama enters the room)

Michelle: Your lackey here is risking his life by telling me I’m going home with you one day early. Set him straight.

Obama: Michelle, I’ve got to get back to Washington to deal with the hurricane, and you –

Michelle: What are you going to do about the hurricane, fix people’s houses? You don’t know which end of a hammer of to hold.

Obama: Now Michelle, that’s not fair.

Michelle: Last time you tried to hang a picture you busted open your finger and spent a whole week looking at it to see if it was infected. You can’t use a teleprompter to fix a house, Barack.

Plouffe: (under his breath): And people think it’s the job that’s giving him gray hairs.

Michelle: What’s that, lackey? You’re like Ed McMahon, always laughing at everything Johnny Carson over here says. Well I do what I want. And I’ve decided I’m staying until Tuesday.

Plouffe: Oh God.

Obama: Darling . . .

Michelle: Don’t you darling me. I’m sure Ed McMahon will fix everything for you. Now if the hurricane comes through here Sunday when will the stores be open?

Reggie Love: By Monday if the damage isn’t too bad.

Obama: Reggie cut it out! She’s not staying.

Michelle: What did you say?

Obama: I mean, sweet flower, please come home with your Barry.

Michelle: Screw you, Herbert Hoover.

Obama: Okay, send them in.

Michelle: Send who in? Hey, what’s going on? What’s your Secret Service detail doing in here? Hey! Get your hands off me! Barack, tell these goons to let me go. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Obama: I’m sorry, it’s the only way.

Michelle: You’ll pay for this Barack! I’m going to release your college transcript! People will know you flunked art history!

Obama: Go easy on her guys, I have deal with this back at the White House.

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58 Responses to Extra! Extra! Michelle’s Angry Vineyard Exit!

  1. Great job Keith. Love your sense of humor. Betcha that scenario is not too far from the truth — she was sporting a mighty big scowl in those return photos.

  2. Very funny…might be true, too.

    Once again, you have shown bravery in the performance of your duties to entertain and enlighten us. Without any regard to the dangers of rain and wind outside your abode, you soldiered on and saved your comrades from the boredom of another day with Elaine. Bravo!

    • Better add that “not true” disclaimer, Keith. This sounds way too much like a verbatim transcript.

      Obama (avoiding responsibility and the need to act): I’m . . . I’m on the phone in the bathroom.


  3. I saw a picture of the Obamas when they were returning to the White House.
    And she really didn’t look all that pleased to be coming back early. What a big baby! It was one day – that was all.
    What a spoiled little brat she is.
    Did you think when hubby loses the upcoming election, that she’ll be so mad that she’ll hold her breath and turn blue?
    (we can only hope)

  4. Funny stuff Keith! You probably aren’t too far from the truth!

    Now tell us, WHY must this pretender POS POTUS go on TV, YET AGAIN, and defile our Sunday’s with more drivel about the Hurricane! He’s such a moron. Why doesn’t he go stand on the boardwalk, on that pier that got washed into the ocean? That I would watch.
    What a doofus. Send him back to the vinyard on vacay, so he can’t destroy America for a few weeks.

  5. K–
    Good one and probably 100% true…if not believable. Here’s the “disclaimer I use for my “elevator and lunchroom” ramblings on my blog.

    A note from counsel: These “candid” elevator conversations have been injected with fabricated nouns, verbs, adjectives, conjunctions, adverbs, modifiers and maybe a few dangling participles.
    The blog link is:
    Keep up the great work.

  6. People are saying that Obama in the command center was a Dukakis on the tank moment. Probably not though.

    I’m on my new computer and finished up putting the Obama photo collections on FB.

    I added The Magic Touch and The Thinker. I add new ones as I find them, 2 today, a bowing photo and leader of the pack.

    Now I have to go back to school and learn new video editing software with green screen and thousands of effects. It will be a huge learning curve for me.

  7. It just occurred to me. If Obama was smart he would have said he went to the Vineyard early to make sure they were ready for the hurricane.

  8. Michelle has the “balls” in the family.
    Obama is just “the pretty boy” puppet, who reads his teleprompter, and obeys his master’s orders.
    The Question is: who is the Puppet-Master?

    BSNBC – Lean Forward, ASSume the position. Enjoy

  9. Love it. I’m sure the persuasion to get Michelle to ride on the same plane was very similiar. She must be on the outs with the President. I saw one pic of the both of them in the same vehicle with her ears plugged with headsets while in the Vineyard these past 9 days. Even Hillary Clinton had the brass to get on the same plane to go on vacation with Bill after the Lewinsky scandal. Why can’t Michelle muster up the same courage to do the same?

    • OK, this one’s got me stumped.
      Is AlGore , a White man, calling non-Whites “racists”, or is he, himself, of a race not yet recognized by scientists and the charge of “racist” is his universal description of any who oppose anything he proposes.
      I wish he would just go away.

  10. Mooch is still sulking in her wing of the white house. Barry and Mooch don’t even share jet aircraft, they certainly do not share bedrooms or wings in the peoples house. She is deep into her 3rd bottle of vodka for being forced on the same aircraft with Barry.

    Now, eat your peas peasants!

  11. I’ve had a theory for a few months now that the Obama marriage is on the rocks. If “B” is a one termer I think Michelle is out the door with a big fat 50% + child support.

  12. That was hilarious, great job! Like someone else said, for good humor, there has to be a hint of truth and you really nailed it in that regard. As I read it I could visiualize the entire scenario and it brought tears to my eyes I was laughing so hard.

  13. LoL at the racists chuckling over disparaging the president and his wife. Rejoice in your cruelty now, but don’t be surprised when the tables are turned at a later date.