A famished German Chancellor Angela Merkel was seen staggering about Washington’s restaurant-heavy Georgetown neighborhood last night looking for something to eat following a State Dinner thrown in her honor at the White House.
The portly Merkel had been treated to a healthy meal by Michelle Obama, who has finally begun serving the type of lean foods at the White House she recently put on kids’ school lunch menus. At the dinner, Merkel was given salad, tuna, carrots, ginger snaps, and petite filet with crab ravioli to eat.
“Hungry! Hungry!” the confused and dizzy German leader yelled at passers by as she made her way down M Street, occasionally stumbling to the pavement as she groped to find a suitable place to eat. “The petite filet was the size of a grape!” she kept exclaiming.
Concerned onlookers offered her Reeses Bars, Skittles, and other items they happened to have with them, but she brushed them aside.
“I want a steak with a serious amount of marble in it,” the Chancellor declared.
Witnesses said Merkel was clearly angry with the Obamas.
“President Obama can trim all the fat from an entree but can’t get any of it out of his bulging federal budget!” she yelled at nobody in particular.
Merkel eventually made her way to Morton’s Steak House, where she pulled a Mauser out of her purse and demanded a raw 20 oz. Porterhouse, a fork, and a knife.
Horrified patrons watched as Merkel ripped the flesh off the T-bone and greedily consumed large chunks of meat, blood dripping from the sides of her mouth.
“Michelle’s probably on the Truman balcony eating her real dinner right now,” she murmured to the startled guests at the next table. “And Barack is always chewing that Nicorette, so you can bet he’s never hungry in the first place.”
After finishing the steak and putting away a large side of creamed spinach, three bottles of Becks and a slab of German Black Forest Cake,” she began to shout “potato dumplings! potato dumplings!”
When told by the manager that Mortons didn’t have any, she again pulled her Mauser out of her purse, but was convinced by her nervous security detail to put it back in.
As she was headed out the door a waiter approached her with the bill.
“Dollars? Why would you want dollars for this?” she demanded. “They’re worthless.” She dropped some Euros on the floor and continued her way out the door.
Reached late last evening, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney called breaking with the past tradition of high-calorie State Dinners a “gutsy move” on the part of the first lady.
“Ever since Chinese President Hu Jintao suffered a heart attack at the last State Dinner, the first lady and her staff have been working day and night to craft a menu that is both pleasing to the palate and easy on the arteries,” he said. “We are sorry this did not accomodate what is clearly Chancellor Merkel’s sizable dinnertime appetite.”
Merkel was said by an aide to be resting comfortably early this morning at the German Embassy.