President Obama’s decision to ban “enhanced interrogation techniques” in favor of the Army Field Manual guideline got me thinking about just what types of information extraction strategies the United States would be using in the future on its terrorist prisoners.
So we gave the manual a read. I’m not sure if these techniques are going to do the trick. See what you think.
The top ten permitted procedures:
1. Deny Arab prisoners the right to watch National Hockey League Stanley Cup playoffs.
2. Tell prisoners that if they don’t talk, Allah will send them sluts instead of virgins.
3. Refuse prisoner a teaspoon of sugar when they get the hiccups.
4. Dues for International Association of Terrorists increased from $25 to $50.
5. Every time a terrorist calls interrogator a name, interrogator responds, “I know you are, but what am I?”
6. Banned from vacationing at Disney World or any other Disney properties for life.
7. Cellmates must both wear shirt with arrow and message, “I’m with Jewish guy.”
8. No free shipping on Amazon even if order exceeds $25.
9. Pita no longer served with kabob.
10. Must learn to sing “God Bless America” in three different languages.