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Twelve Things Obama Told Mubarak to Make Him Leave

It turns out that despite protestations it was not moving to immediately shove Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak aside, the White House was in fact deeply involved in showing him the door, with President Obama leading the way.

White House Dossier has obtained the transcripts of two telephone calls Obama had with Mubarak in the days leading up to Mubarak’s departure. What follows are the top twelve things Obama said to Mubarak to convince him to end his reign.


1. If you leave, I’ll buy you a delicious Sharm el Shake.

2. We can set you up with a kabob stand at 43rd Street and Seventh Avenue in Manhattan. THERE IS NO BETTER LOCATION.

3. If you don’t get out, I shall stretch mine hand with mine rod over the streams, over the rivers, and over the ponds, and cause frogs to come up upon the land of Egypt.

4. Race you to Doha. Ready . . . go!

5. We thought it was just termites infesting the presidential palace, but it turn out to be cobras.

6. Egypt is out of black har dye.

7. Our latest intelligence is that EVERYONE IN EGYPT HATES YOU!

8. We have some wonderful parting gifts, including a beautiful lounge suite and a color TV!

9. There is a cancer on the presidency.

10. No, I can’t get you virgins, but I can get you some great chicks under 70.

11. It seems strange, but you’re very popular in France.

12. I don’t mean to interfere in your country’s internal affairs, but WHY DON’T YOU GET THE HELL OUT NOW!?

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