As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Top Ten Ways White House Dossier Will Tone Down the Rhetoric

Well it happened. All this criticism of free speech, and White House Dossier has finally pissed in its pants. The rhetoric on the blog will be toned down, even as White House Dossier seeks to make good on its New Year’s resolution to tone up, in the gym.

As part of this effort – not the effort to tone up – White House Dossier will henceforth abstain from using military or gun-related metaphors of any kind. In addition, anyone who employs such metaphors in the comments section will be shot.

What am I saying? They will be slapped on the wrist and their comment deleted.

White House Dossier has drawn up a list of peaceful alternatives to certain commonly used metaphors

So, without adieu, allow me lock and load, and fire away.

I mean, here goes:

1. There will be no more reference to “political campaigns.” Candidates will now wage “friendly attempts to seize a bit of power.”

2. Nobody at White House Dossier will in the future be having a “blast.” Instead, persons having a good time will be said to be having “an innocuous popping sound.”

3. No more “political attacks.” We will instead write about “hurtful things being said.”

4. Any references to Patrick Henry will include the phrase “Give me liberty or give me heartburn.”

5. A politician who says something dumb will not be said to have “shot themselves if the foot,” but to have “badly stubbed their toe.”

6. Politicians making a startling revelation will no longer be “dropping a bomb.” They will instead “say something I, like, totally didn’t expect!”

7. Politicians who win campaigns will no longer “declare victory” or be said to have defeated, beaten, routed, or vanquished their opponents. They will instead declare that “everyone is a winner, just I’m the biggest winner.”

8. White House Dossier will never again reveal “explosive new details.” Instead, we will bring you “fun stuff you might have missed.”

9. Politicians will never again be said to be in “the political fight of their life.” White House Dossier will merely say, “Ha! Let’s see them get out of this one!”

10. Candidates will never again field an “army of volunteers. Instead, they will employ “lots of gentlefolk knockin’ on doors.”

14 Responses to Top Ten Ways White House Dossier Will Tone Down the Rhetoric

  1. OK, so the humor is great, and it’s important that we learn to laugh at ourselves and our situation. On the other hand, I think that toning down the rhetoric across the bard is a fine idea. It’s not just about words. It’s about YELLED words, a kind of violence in using language. I would also suggest that in an age where pictures travel instantaneously across the continent, graphics matter a lot, and they are more provocative than words alone. Defeating the other guy isn’t the same as drawing a bullseye on him; we interpret pictures more literally than words. So we also have to come to grips with the role new media play, and how we have to try hard to understand how the media work. A lie said from the back of a train during a toot-toot tour across the Midwest when the telegraph is the fastest means of communication and printing newspapers is hard work isn’t the same as uttering that same lie in front of TV cameras and iPhones that broadcast it across the world before anyone can possibly check out its veracity. Like in sports, it’s OK in politics to want to win. But it’s not OK to cheat to get there. We probably need to see misuse of media as a form of cheating.

  2. I feel so much safer. Thank you, Keith.

    The lefties in their ivory tower worlds are the ones who invoke violence — I think most of them have a sad hankering to have been a part of the violence of the 1960s. They take what they can vicariously by talking a good, bring a gun to a knife fight game.

    We are lurching toward civil war and it is things such as the instant blaming of the Arizona attack on the Tea Party is pushing us there faster.

  3. My sister is schizophrenic, and it was missed by doctors, social workers and many others until it was so blatant she was hospitalized, the first of several times. She hears voices, the medicine just keeps it at a dull roar. Before she was diagnosed correctly, I was out with her (first time in a year)and sensed something was way off and was momentarily afraid for my life since we were in a deserted area.

    I would not be shocked if this fellow was very sick. It is a tragedy that it had such consequences. There really would have been no way to stop this unless he was diagnosed before, and since everyone has free will, very sick people do not have to be diagnosed or treated if they do not want….think of all the homeless people mumbling under their breath on the streets

      • Yes, knowing when and how to intervene when someone is erratic is VERY difficult. My heart goes out to you with your sister. My father was a psychiatrist, I went to college, and I am not sure what I would do to intervene if my kid was hearing voices. As it is, my kid is a little different, had legal woes…still at home at 28. Our yard at the moment is weedy like the Loughners. I told her not to do anything because our house looked kinda ghetto. My point is–we are judging this based on lack of evidence or info. What my minister used to call “insufficient data.” In some circles someone who stays home with the kid is lauded. Just because he wasn’t close to the neighbors–well, not all blocks are throwing block parties. I know one person on my street.

  4. Depending on which HolyBook one adheres to, we could just stick to phrases like “smoting the evil ones” or “vanquishing the infidels” or “sacrificing” and keep our conversations on a higher level.

  5. Keith, you may want to rethink #1. The word “seize” has a connotation of violence associated with it. Maybe it should be just “friendly attempts to grab a bit of power, and then give it a big hug!”

  6. That service seemed kind of weird to me…all the cheering, like a rally…which I guess it was…I don’t know..dissonant. So every time I counter something someone says, I am letting that Christina down somehow…Somehow that did not make sense to me. She was going to get involved in politics–she would have held her own and expressed her beliefs. I know I am a buzzkill…cynical..whatever. The AZ Republic this AM had another in a whole series of anti-Palin cartoons…our cartoonist is obsessed. Also they printed a letter telling Beck and Palin to shut up. And of course, essays about how we should be nice. Whatever. I blogged on what to do–as a starting pt anyhow–if someone around you is showing aberrant behavior–this is very difficult.

    Was it me or did the pres look terrible? This does worry me.