As the Obama administration prepares to release the regulations governing the new health reform law, a close reading of the legislation by White House Dossier has turned up some unexpected provisions that regulators must contend with. What follows are the twelve most surprising of these measures.
1. Babies must emerge after two hours of labor or else “make their own arrangements” for being delivered.
2. To make up for the anticipated shortage of doctors, receptionists will IN SOME CASES be permitted to perform surgery.
3. Everything must be done online, including colonoscopies
4. Only brown rice may be thrown at weddings
5. Cancer patients who are told they will have to wait six months or more for surgery MUST be given coupons for discounts at funeral homes.
6. Surgeons from now on will have to get the scalpel themselves.
7. All seeing eye dogs covered by medical insurance polices must learn to cook too.
8. Employees really must wash hands – or face imprisonment.
9. Children may immediately be added to their parents’ health plans, but must wait six months to get sick.
10. In anticipation of five hour waits for appointments, gambling is now allowed in doctors’ waiting rooms.
11. Technicians who take blood must give it back.
12. There won’t be death panels, but instead, President Obama himself will decide who shall live and who shall die.
OK, my humorous regulars. Go ahead and add your own!