Having just yesterday hired Bill Clinton’s OMB director, Jack Lew, to be his own, President Obama today handed the whole White House to Clinton, saying he will just let the ex-president run the country while he spends the next two and a half years perfecting his golf game.
Obama, who has complained that he is hooking most of his tee shots, headed immediately to Andrews Air Force Base to work the driving range before putting in 18 holes. He will technically remain president but focus most of his energy on golf and basketball.
“This job is a real pain in the ass,” Obama said in a written statement. “And apparently, it comes with a mother in law.”
Obama’s mother in law, Marian Robinson, lives with the first family in the White House.
Analysts were not completely surprised. Almost every senior adviser of Obama’s has roots in the Clinton administration, including Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, top White House economic adviser Larry Summers, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, Lew, Emanuel, and on and on.
“The president thought, we’ve got the whole Clinton administration working here, it just makes sense that we get Clinton too,” said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs as he handed the key to his office to Mike McCurry.
Informed of the decision by White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, Vice President Biden remarked, “This is a big fucking deal,” adding that Clinton “is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”
Biden was then told to resign immediately so that Elena Kagan could take over as vice president.
“What the Hell, if she’s qualified to be Solicitor General and a Supreme Court Justice, I guess she’s qualified to do this,” Biden said. “I have no idea what I’m doing anyway.”
Emanuel agreed with Biden and told him to get out.
A request by former Vice President Al Gore to be considered for the his old job was rejected when he vowed to set the West Wing AC unit to 80 degrees fahrenheit.
“Besides, we couldn’t have two sex maniacs bouncing off the walls around here,” commented a senior administration official.
Clinton arrived at the White House today for a meeting with Obama, Biden, and some business leaders. When Clinton entered the Oval Office, Obama told him, “Take it. Just take it.”
As a condition for getting the job, Clinton will be required to wear an ankle bracelet that will detect the presence of Viagra or Cialis in his system. Any trace of either and Obama will put Kagan in charge.
“Since his heart surgery, the former president needs the assistance of pharmaceuticals to get himself into trouble,” said a senior White House official briefed on the matter. “The bracelet will ensure that there are no more Monicas.”
The idea for the bracelet came up when Clinton today made a pass at the Oval Office receptionist, according to this source.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton swiftly vowed to start setting her own foreign policy.
“I know the truth behind all Bill’s lies, misdeeds, and paternities,” she said. “I’m sure he wants to stay out of jail. He knows who wears the pantsuits around here.”