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Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearing, Take 1

We listen now as Judiciary Chairman Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.) and ranking member Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.) begin today’s confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.

Leahy: Welcome to today’s hearing, at which we will grill nominee Elena Kagan about her qualifications for serving on the Supreme Court. I expect this hearing to be revealing and informative, especially since Ms. Kagan has herself written that Supreme Court nominees should be forthcoming about their views.

Now, I want everyone on this committee to vote to confirm Elena Kagan. Elena Kagan is a superb intellect, a woman with a long history of saying smart things, she’s not lesbian, she’s very smart and studied hard, and her students just ADORED her at Harvard. She also loves the military, and what woman doesn’t love a man in a uniform? I heard she was considering asking the entire Harvard Law School student body to enlist.

While it’s true she has little of the usual experience we expect of a Supreme Court judge, she’s a great gal. I think it’s imperative that we let her serve on the Supreme Court in order to give her some experience before she begins praticing law.

Thank you. Sen. Sessions?

Sessions: Thank you Mr. Chairman.

Elena Kagan is a first class Commie bitch and is probably a lesbian despite what she claims. I myself am attracted to a man in a uniform, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t prevent military recruiters from enlisting Harvard Law School’s sissy asses into the military, which I didn’t because I’ve never even been to Harvard.

As a Supreme Court Justice, Elena Kagan would take away all of America’s guns and give them to the unions, who would use them to shoot aborted fetuses to make sure that they are dead. Worse still, her taste in clothes is terrible and she’ll probably wear gray Mao suits to the Court every day and read passages from Das Kapital from the bench. She has to be stopped, and I don’t mean maybe. And now I’d like to do a little dance.

Leahy: Sen. Sessions, we all enjoy your dancing, but could it wait until after the hearing?

Sessions: OK, Mr. Chairman, but with your permission I’d like it entered into the record that I wanted to do my little dance at the start of the hearing.

Leahy: So be it, Sen. Sessions. Now, on to the questions. First, of all, Ms. Kagan, it’s a pleasure to have you with us.

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Leahy: Now Ms. Kagan, you would never do anything wrong on the Supreme Court or anything to upset anyone, would you?

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Leahy: And all of you opinions will be very carefully thought out and written with nice penmanship, won’t they?

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Leahy: And my staff tells me that you own only one Mao suit, and that you almost never wear it, isn’t that true Ms. Kagan.

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Leahy: I have no further questions. This hearing is adjourned.

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Sessions: Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, if I may, shouldn’t the Republicans get to ask some questions? I reject this attempt to railroad this nominee through the committee.

Leahy: Do you really think it’s worth it?

Sessions: Well, um, well, I’m told CNN has blocked hours of coverage for this and has no stories in the can to replace it with. Also, my constituents have written to me specifically requesting red meat. I mean, Mr. Chairman, we have a show to do.

Leahy: You know, the sooner we adjourn, the sooner you get to do your little dance.

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

Leahy: Excuse me Ms. Kagan, but please don’t interrupt U.S. Senators while they are engaged in an important colloquy. Now, what do you say, Sen. Sessions?

Sessions: Well, gosh, OK.

Leahy: Good. This hearing is adjourned. Please clear an area in front of the rostrum for Sen. Sessions to do his little dance.

Kagan: Thank you very much for having me here.

4 Responses to Elena Kagan Confirmation Hearing, Take 1

  1. Just a short note, please, to ask you to listen to this important radio show we just did re: the nomination of Elena Kagan to be a Supreme Court Justice. Her confirmation hearing begins today June 28. On this program we discuss the most important questions: Where does true law come from? Answer: God, the God of the Bible. And: What is the role of a judge? Answer: To obey God and administer God’s Law. Your comments are welcome. Send them to me at email address below.

    May God bless us as we obey Him,

    John Lofton, Editor,
    Communications Director, Institute On The Constitution
    Recovering Republican