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Tag Archives: top ten

Top Ten Announcements in Tonight’s SOTU Speech

Using bribes and flattery, White House Dossier this morning was able to obtain an advance copy of President Obama’s State of the Union address.

We share with you here the top ten remarks you can expect to hear from Obama this evening.

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1. We need a minimum wage. But tonight, I’m also announcing – a maximum wage.

2. I plan to rule by fiat, as well as by Alfa Romeo.

3. Ask not what your country can do for you, unless you need something.

4. In today’s world, even a college education is not enough. That’s why I’m announcing that we need to give everyone the right to a PhD in astrophysics.

5. We need not just to throw the conservatives out of New York, but out of New Jersey, New Mexico, Texas, Michigan, and every state where you might find them, so that tolerance can reign from sea to shining sea.

6. If Republicans don’t like Obamacare, why are they complaining that no one can sign up? Did you ever think of that?

7. I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead my gun control campaign because he understands guns, having frequently shot himself in the foot.

8. We’ve extracted ironclad promises from Iran not to build a nuclear weapons. And I’m announcing this evening that as a back up, we’ve received further promises from the Iranians that if they do build nuclear weapons, they will use them for research purposes only.

9. Still today, we are plagued by the mistakes of George W. Bush. And so we ask him: Why won’t you just leave us alone?

10. Some people are unhappy that I’m slowly establishing a dictatorship, and I say, don’t worry, I’m going to speed it up.

Top Ten Things Obama Should be Thankful For

President Obama is in the dumps right now, but he still has lots to be thankful for. We’ve compiled a list of the top ten blessings Obama can count on his two hands this Thanksgiving.

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1. Vice President Biden. With Biden next in line, Republicans have much less incentive to impeach him.

2. The media. They’ve gotten tougher lately, but for most of the year they behaved themselves.

3. Millions of people who don’t pay attention to the news but decide to speak with pollsters anyway.

4. A fine candidate like Mitt Romney.

5. Nicorette.

6. Mulligans.

7. John Roberts.

8. Valerie Jarrett, for running the country on his behalf.

9. Eric Holder, for providing the muscle.

10. Bo, because Bo doesn’t care that the website isn’t working.

Top Ten Concessions Offered by the U.S. to Iran

Adding to the shock that the negotiations over Iran’s nuclear weapons program broke down is the discovery of the tempting concessions offered by the United States to try to get Iran to agree to a deal.

A frustrated member of the U.S. delegation, spotted by White House Dossier at a Washington Starbucks, gave in to our repeated requests for the list, exclaiming, Here just take it! Take it!

We agreed not to publish it but later changed our mind, and so we provide for you here the top ten concessions offered by the U.S. to Iran.

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10. Iran may continue to enrich uranium but only in the sense of giving it interesting things to read.

9. U.S. won’t acknowledge it is the “Great Satan,” but agrees to be labeled the “Pretty Good Satan.”

8. Each of Iran’s top twelve Ayatollahs to receive a good twerking from a twerker to be named later.

7. Iran given his beautiful lounge suite:

Living room set 3

6. U.S. will fix it so that Iran is guaranteed to win the annual International Couscous Cook Off in Tripoli early next year.

5. Frommer’s must name the Holiday Inn Tehran as one of the 2014 “World’s Top Ten Vacation Destinations.”

4. Free Chinese takeout for the entire nation of Iran for a year. Delivery is extra and requires a tip.

3. U.S. officials must refer to Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei as “His Hotness.”

Iran

2. Billy Joel and Elton John to perform free concert at Iran’s massive Mullahdome. Elton agrees to dedicate “Your Song” to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

1. Netanhayu’s head to be delivered on a silver platter.

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Are there any that you are aware of?

Top Ten Excuses for the Obamacare Website Crash

In private, senior White House officials are bitterly complaining about the reasons for the Obamacare website fiasco, offering up excuse after excuse for its failure. We share with you now the top ten excuses they are making for what seems to be an otherwise inexplicable catastrophe. ******* 10. “B Team” claimed to be the “A… Continue Reading

Top Ten Unexpected Shutdown Hardships

The government shutdown is already having an unexpectedly drastic effect, causing glitches and cutbacks that are bringing tears to White House staffers. In their agony, Obama aides phoned White House Dossier to complain. Here are the top ten unexpected hardships that are giving them fits.   ******* 1. Teleprompter keeps running the Gettysburg Address. 2.… Continue Reading

Top Ten Sequester Cuts Obama Really Hates!

President Obama is excoriating Republicans for threatening to allow the sequester – the one Obama insisted on – to kick in, claiming all sorts of intolerable spending cuts will occur and calamitous things will happen if something isn’t done to avert it. But White House Dossier has discovered the true reason for Obama’s concern. Some… Continue Reading

Top Ten Reasons Obama Won’t Meet with Netanyahu

White House Dossier has obtained a list, written in President Obama’s own hand, describing the real reasons he refuses to meet with Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu during Netanyahu’s trip this week the the United States. While we cannot reveal how we obtained this list, we do want to express our appreciation to the General Services… Continue Reading

The Top Ten Rejected Obama Campaign Slogans

As is well known, the Obama 2012 campaign has chosen “Forward!” as its campaign slogan. The slogan has been criticized as eerily Commie-sounding, since it shares the name with several Communist publications. Whether a good idea or not, the slogan was the result of an intense process in which many alternate ideas were considered and… Continue Reading

Top Ten New Obama Deficit Proposals

President Obama is under fire for criticizing the dramatic spending reductions in the House Republican budget while failing to propose major cuts himself. White House Dossier has discovered that the White House is about to respond by releasing a new list of cuts it believes will solve the deficit problem and preempt further criticism of… Continue Reading

Top Ten Things Obama Will Do if Obamacare is Struck Down

White House Dossier through illegal methods has obtained a private list written by President Obama of the things he will do if the Supreme Court strikes down the Obamacare individual insurance mandate. The list is in Obama’s handwriting, and its authenticity has been verified by the accounting firm of Schmuckle, Portobello & Crumcake. I present… Continue Reading

Top Ten Surprising Things Obama Told Netanyahu

White House Dossier has obtained a secret transcript of Monday’s meeting between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu. Obama said some startling things. It’s not clear to me that he really understood the significance of the meeting. Anyway, here are the top ten things that jumped out at me. I think you will… Continue Reading

The Top Ten Titles for Obama’s Next Book

In a grand and false exclusive, White House Dossier has learned that President Obama, his reelection chances looking iffy, has already begun work on a new post-presidency book. According sources at two publishing firms – Random House and Specific House, the president is testing several titles for his latest tome. White House Dossier has obtained… Continue Reading