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The Top Ten Hidden Benefits of Obamacare

At White House Dossier, we’d like to acknowledge that we’ve spent a little too much time criticizing Obamacare and detailing why it’s a mistake. In fact, there are many benefits to the president’s health care plan, and a number of good reasons why it should be implemented.

While there are many more, we’ve listed for you here the top ten justifications for Obamacare. Ten reasons why you should love it. We think you’ll agree with all of them.

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1. You’ll at last get to read the Encyclopedia Britannica in its entirety while waiting in your doctor’s office.

2. You will experience the thrill of waiting to find out whether you’ll die before you finally have your surgery.

3. People who have long dreamed of becoming doctors will have incentive to avoid massive co-pays and deductibles by performing surgery on themselves.

4. No more concern about seeing a good doctor as all the good doctors retire and smart people opt not to go into medicine.

5. With maternity care covered for everyone, men can finally start to have babies.

6. Since Obamacare’s authors did nothing about medical malpractice reform, you can easily sue your doctor if he actually demands payment.

7. It seems reasonable to ask your doctor to classify quadruple bypass open heart surgery as a free “wellness” visit.

8. With your daughter on your plan until age 26, you can threaten to revoke her health insurance if she marries that guy with the tattoo.

9. Surprisingly enough, in Federalist Paper 74, James Madison wrote, “I think it would be a good idea for the federal government to take over a business that represents a fifth of the economy.”

10. Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, and Hillary Clinton all have enough money to see doctors and go to hospitals that are out of network, so you can stop worrying about them!

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Are there any other benefits that you are aware of?

Top Ten Unreported Obama Vacation Activities

1. Solved crisis in Egypt. Result will become apparent within the week.

2. Cheered his personal two-pound lobster on to a disappointing seventh place finish in the 2013 annual Edgartown Lobster Races.

3. Established first Martha’s Vineyard sanctuary for homeless shrimp.

4. Renewed pact with Satan just before eagling the seventh hole at the Vineyard Golf Club.

5. Kicked down seven-year-old’s sandcastle at the beach shouting, “You didn’t build that!”

6. Saved Valerie Jarrett from shark attack by reminding shark that he lives in Massachusetts. Shark realized he had mistaken Jarrett for a Republican, showing the shark knew very little about politics.

7. Stayed on top of world events by remaining constantly touch with Jay-Z and Beyonce at their desks in the Situation Room.

8. While biking, saw a talking white rabbit with a pocket watch and followed it down hole into a curious hall with many locked doors of all sizes.

9. Defeated soft shell crab in mixed martial arts exhibition.

10. Insincerely asked Michelle three times if she’d like to go golfing too.

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Are there any others that you are aware of?

Top Ten Secret Obama Economic Proposals

President Obama is being criticized for failing to offer any new economic proposals as part of his recent series of speeches on the economy. But in fact, Obama has dozens of new ideas waiting in the wings. He just hasn’t announced them yet.

Meeting with a secret source in the basement of a garage in Rossyln, Virginia – just outside of Washington – White House Dossier was told, follow the money. Trying that and finding out nothing, White House Dossier called second source who turned over the information in exchange for a liter of Southern Comfort and some amusing imitations of Donald Duck.

Here, then, are the top ten as yet unrevealed Obama economic proposals.

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1. Go to Russia to see if there are any Kulaks left and relieve them of their land.

2. Assess special tax on people who pronounce rather as “rahther.”

3. Open store on Pennsylvania Avenue with free stuff.

4. Add 10 million rich people to “the one percent” but still call it “the one percent.”

5. Direct IRS to audit anyone who claims, “I built that.”

6. Construct massive butter knife to spread the wealth around.

7. Force employers to hire any jobseeker who is clothed.

8. Corporate CEOs must voluntary reduce income by 30 percent or have their liver removed.

9. Businesses forbidden to fire anyone unless they can show employee was “intentionally incompetent.”

10. Social Security retirement age lowered to 21, unless person wants subsidized graduate school education.

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What are your sources telling you about potential new Obama initiatives?

Top Ten Thoughts Obama Had During his Berlin Speech

Through the new Google brain-mapping program, White House Dossier has been able to upload the actual thoughts of President Obama during his speech Wednesday in Berlin. I think you’ll agree, It’s a fascinating look into the mind of our leader.

Here are the top ten thoughts that ran through Obama’s head during his remarks:

1. Hey, where is everybody?

2. Damn Krauts turned up the heat.

3. Uh oh. My potato dumplings are reversing course.

4. At least they still love me in Bangladesh!

5. Hey Germans, see that Brandenburg Gate? You didn’t build that!

6. I wonder if anyone can see me sweating. Nahh.

7. Teleprompter, are you okay? Something’s wrong with teleprompter! Call a doctor!

8. Boy, Merkel sure looks mad. I definitely shouldn’t have told her she has the personality of Hitler.

9. Why do these Germans keep opening their mouths as wide as possible? Must be some cultural thing. Oh, wait a second, they’re yawning

10. Ich bin I’m outta here!

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Do you have access to the brain-mapping program too? What are you seeing?

Top Ten Other Scandals Involving Obama

Wondering, where does it all stop?, White House Dossier this week dispatched a team of investigative reporters to uncover any other scandals that might have occurred under President Obama’s watch.

As you can imagine, we came up with a plethora of juicy stuff. What follows are the top ten unrevealed scandals that personally involve Obama.

We found out that Obama . . .

1. Intentionally served Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu pork chops.

2. Gave Queen Elizabeth an iPod with Hitler’s greatest speeches on it.

3. Tried to have EPA declare the Heritage Foundation a hazardous waste dump.

4. Sought to make tax free all earnings from books based on dreams given to sons by fathers.

5. Initially wanted to claim Benghazi attack inspired by Beatles’ song “Helter Skelter.”

6. Added pornographic materials to public Amazon wish lists of Associated Press reporters.

7. Sought to cover up fact that Reese Witherspoon is actually a political prisoner.

8. Demanded IRS audit all radio personalties whose first names rhyme with “brush.”

9. Took money from the Contras and gave it to Iran.

10. Billed government for “official” trips by Michelle to “investigate ski conditions in Colorado.”

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What have your investigations uncovered?

Obama’s Top Ten Other “Red Lines”

The “red line” President Obama drew over Syria’s use of chemical weapons is only the most famous of a roster of red lines he has drawn during his presidency.

White House Dossier has obtained a copy the list, written by Obama and stuffed in the top drawer of his desk.

We bring to you here the top ten of these red lines. Obama warns that there will be dire consequences if . . .

1. Netanyahu keeps telling lies about Iran’s peaceful nuclear program.

2. Holland makes its move against Denmark.

3. Bo continues to refuse to stand when I enter a room.

4. The White House chef forgets to include a pickle with my roast beef sandwich.

5. Harry Reid calls one more time to exclaim, “the war in Iraq is lost.”

6. Eric Cantor keeps saying Rihanna is hotter than Beyonce.

7. Sylvester Stallone decides to make “The Expendables 3″.

8. Biden asks me again to play strip Parcheesi with him.

9. Kim Jong Un keeps sending pizzas to the White House at 3 am.

10. Michelle continues to suggest requiring background checks for purchases of Ho Hos and Little Debbie snacks.

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Urgent: Are there any other Obama red lines that you are aware of?

Top Ten Things Obama Might Say to Bush at his Library Dedication

President Obama Thursday plans to attend the dedication of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas.

Well, that might be uncomfortable, given that Obama has been badmouthing Bush since taking office, attributing most of his problems to the former president.

One can only imagine some of the things he might say. Here’s ten possibilities.

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1. George, can you get some more towels for the dispenser in the men’s room?

2. I know I’ve said a lot of bad things about you over the last four years. But I’m not going to say them today, because you’re here.

3. At the Obama library, no member of the middle class will have to pay a late fee for overdue books.

4. I guess you’re planning on building an additional wing later showcasing how I cleaned up your mess.

5. Not too impressed with the Cheney section. You should have put it in a secret, undisclosed location.

6. This is the great thing about America. That a man who can’t even read can have his own library.

7. I saw the section you had on appointing the first black secretary of state. Well, I can definitely do you one better.

8. I hope you realize I’m going to blame all the problems I have at my library on your library.

9. I think it’s nice that even if you are a bad president, you get a library.

10. Sucks not to have an exhibit about killing Bin Laden, doesn’t it?

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Any ideas that you have?

Top Ten Things Obama Plans to Say in Israel

President Obama will to leave for Israel Tuesday night, and he desperately wants to make a good impression in order to atone for his lousy handling of the relationship to date. This will be a carefully scripted trip, and White House Dossier has obtained some of the exact lines written for Obama to say in… Continue Reading

Top Ten Sequester Cuts to Hit the White House

The White House announced Friday that indeed, it too will be facing the sequester cuts. White House Dossier has obtained an exclusive list of the ten most painful cuts the White House will incur: ******* 1. Obama to begin drinking Poland Spring instead of Fiji water. 2. Biden’s nanny no longer paid to work weekends.… Continue Reading

Top Ten Secret Obama Requirements for Path to Citizenship

Not to stir up trouble, but White House Dossier has uncovered a private White House list of President Obama’s requirements for granting illegal immigrants a “path to citizenship.” Apparently, it’s not a stringent as some people think, and some of it appears either silly or designed to mint new Democratic voters. With the realization that… Continue Reading

Hillary’s Top Ten Excuses on Benghazi

Secretary of State Clinton Wednesday failed to provide a full explanation of why an immediate military response wasn’t ordered to try to rescue besieged members of the U.S. mission in Benghazi. Maybe that’s because it’s inexplicable. But White House Dossier has done some investigative journalism and uncovered the top ten reasons why Hillary didn’t ensure… Continue Reading