As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: Satire

Maybe More Local Government Isn’t the Answer

Okay Mr. President, score one for your ideology. Maybe things aren’t always best left to the localities.

Although as a clever friend of mine, Aylana Meisel, noted, “Just imagine how much government waste there would have been at the federal level, though.”

Some of you may be reminded of this . . .

Top Ten Reasons Hillary Knows She Still Will Be President

Things are beginning to look a little iffy for Mrs. Clinton. Scandals are erupting. Questions are being raised about her qualities as a candidate. It’s not the best of times for Hillary.

But privately, Clinton aides say she is confident of victory. None would talk on the record, for fear of having a lamp thrown at them. But they provided a list of reasons Hillary is still certain she will be president.

Here are the top ten:

1. She can prove most ethical lapses were caused by global warming.

2. She has a fool-proof plan to convince primary voters that Elizabeth Warren has leprosy.

3. Bill plans to be in Thailand for much of 2016.

4. Magic Eight Ball said, “You may rely on it.”

5. Used the Reset Button on her campaign and this time it worked!

6. Practicing for several hours every day to be herself.

7. Is in training to carry two or even three electronic devices around at the same time.

8. So far, is doing far better than in 2008 at picking her opponents.

9. Has discovered an achievement notched as Secretary of State and will unveil it just before Election Day.

10. Will show that Clinton Foundation donors weren’t seeking to influence policy – just wanted to save the world, one Clinton at a time.

*******

Are there any further reasons that you have uncovered in any of your research or reporting?

David Frye Does Richard Nixon

I was watching the video below of former Fox News White House reporter James Rosen, with whom I used to work when he was at the White House, doing some impressions. He hits them dead on. Have a look.

So it got me thinking, this being a White House publication, about presidential impersonators. Given that this is a day for presidential humor, when President Obama will be cracking jokes with the press at the White House correspondents dinner, I thought I’d share this clip of David Frye doing Richard Nixon.

It’s from an album my dad had around and that I used to listen to as a kid. Yes, as a kid. I got the politics bug early. Anyway, I thought you might get a kick out of it.

Top Ten Iranian Schemes to Acquire and Keep Nuclear Weapons

Wait a second everyone. Before this nuclear deal – or whatever it is – gets announced today, Western negotiators should be warned that White House Dossier has uncovered how Iran intends to fool the world about its weapons program.

We haven’t had a chance to confirm this, but given that time is running short and the issue is of such a critical nature, we felt we had to publish it immediately. Without, in fact, taking the time to read it.

Herewith, then, the Top ten Iranian schemes to acquire and keep nuclear weapons:

1. Hide a new nuclear weapons plant inside Kerry’s head.

2. Convince Obama the nuclear weapons program is “for the children.”

3. Convince Obama that if Iran ever drops its bombs, it will help combat global warming.

4. Promise to end the nuclear program if Ahmadinejad is allowed to compete on “Dancing with the Stars,” and then claim the United States is being “unreasonable” by keeping him off the show.

5. When nuclear weapons inspectors knock on the door, don’t open it, and keep saying, “This is the pickle factory and we’re closed now” until they go away.

6. If Obama threatens to attack, have Norway award him another Nobel Peace Prize.

7. Require nuclear weapons inspectors to use Apple Maps while in Iran.

8. Paint the nuclear weapons in bright, appealing colors.

9. Sponsor “Lifetime of Free Golf” award to P5+1 world leader who caves the most in negotiations.

10. Conceal the nuclear weapons by shoving them all up Ayatollah Khamenei’s ass.