As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: Satire

Trump Repeatedly Sexually Harassed Ted Cruz, Saying He’d “Do Anything”

President Trump repeatedly and gruesomely sexually harassed Republican Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, White House Dossier has learned, sending out tweets in January 2016 suggesting that Cruz would have sex with Goldman Sachs and that Cruz and Jeb Bush would use their bodies to maintain political power.

The shocking harassment was repeated Tuesday when some of the most profound minds in journalism and politics recognized similar language in a widely criticized tweet Trump made about Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-N.Y.

In that tweet, Trump alleged Gillibrand would “do anything” – “anything,” obviously, including sex – for his campaign contributions back when he was in the private sector.*

*No double entendre intended by use of the term “private sector.”

Shockingly, Trump used the very same language in reference to Cruz and Jeb Bush.

Some astute observers noticed Trump’s use of the term “begging” – in quotes – with respect to Gillibrand, phrasing which obviously somehow has something to do with sex. White House Dossier can now reveal that Trump in fact used the same term in July 2013 when he accused the Obama administration of offering to have sex with Russia in order to secure the release of Edward Snowden.

Fortunately, within hours of Trump’s sexist tweet about Gillibrand, Elizabeth Warren, a Native American senator from the state of Massachusetts, picked up on the insult and tweeted that Gillibrand would not be “slut shamed.”

White House Dossier, which prides itself on performing accountability – I mean doing accountability – I mean, oh forget it – will continue to monitor Trump’s tweets for sexy language.

H/T Fox News and Mark Levin.

White House Dossier Photo Contest!!

Okay, let’s play.

Two of the people in the photograph below have had credible accusations of rape lodged against them. See if you can figure out who they are.

Sorry, no prize money today. This is just a competition to test your knowledge of the news. Good luck!

BONUS QUESTION: Which one nearly assumed a position of enormous power in the White House this year?

Rep. Al Green Moves to Impeach Trump, Then Moves On

Democratic Rep. Al Green of Texas Wednesday introduced articles of impeachment against President Trump, saying Trump had “undermined the integrity of his office with impunity and has brought disrepute on the presidency with immunity.” You see, it even rhymes. Let’s try it another way, in verse. Donald J. Trump, president of the United States of… Continue Reading

The WH Dossier Contest: Use Covfefe in a Sentence

As you maybe aware, President Trump last night issued an odd tweet, “Despite the constant negative press covfefe,” and then left it at that. This morning, he deleted it and poked fun at himself. Who can figure out the true meaning of “covfefe” ??? Enjoy! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2017 So let’s… Continue Reading

Video || The American Tradition of Politicians Body-Slamming Journalists

Well, it turns out that guy in Montana who body-slammed a reporter went ahead and got elected to a House seat anyway. Everyone seems surprised, but it doesn’t seem to have occurred to anyone on the Washington mainstream media that body-slamming a reporter, particularly one so dripping with metrosexuality — Oh, you broke my glasses!… Continue Reading