As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: Satire

Ben Carson Seizes Power

Former Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson seized power this morning, declaring a state of emergency and then going to sleep.

Carson and a team of heavily armed neurosurgeons occupied the White House at 0700 hours. President Obama, who was on the White House putting green at the time, was immediately placed under house arrest. But then Carson and his forces realized that the house would be the White House, and this wouldn’t be a good idea considering that they had staged a coup d’etat.

Obama was subsequently removed from the premises, screaming something about Carson having “crossed a red line” and warning of consequences.

“The former president has been fed breakfast and taken to Guantanamo Bay,” said Carson Minister of Propaganda Sarah Palin. “He is being kept under good conditions, including a half an hour of exercise, daily playtime with Raul Castro, and Muslim-appropriate meals.”

Happy April Fools Day. You can read the rest of my satire on LifeZette.

Twelve Things to Say to Infuriate Your Liberal Christmas Guests

You know who they are. They’re siblings who believed their professors in college. They’re in-laws you can do nothing about. They are “friends” who secretly think you are a mindless, evil philistine.

These liberals love to ruin your dinner with sanctimony and moral superiority. Well, on the theory that the best defense is a good offense, here are 12 things you can say to pre-empt the inevitable attack.

1: Did you know that the earth hasn’t really warmed for almost 20 years?

2: So, how much did your health insurance premiums go up this year?

3: Would you mind if 20 young, male Syrian refugees moved into a rooming house next door to you and your children?

4: What’s worse, an 18-minute gap in a tape recording or 30,000 missing emails?

5: How’s the Obama presidency been working out for black Americans?

6: Donald Trump is worth $4 billion. How much are you worth?

7: Who’s smarter, you or Ted Cruz?

8: What are you doing “owning” on land that belongs to Native Americans?

9: Which president has the worst average GDP growth per quarter in the postwar period, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, or George W. Bush? (Answer: None of them, it’s Barack Obama with an average rate of 1.78 percent, according to U.S. News & World Report)

10: Did you know that the immigration enforcement authorities removed 76,000 criminals apprehended at or near the border or other points of entry this year?

11. Would you rather experience a terrorist attack in a place that allows concealed carry or one that doesn’t?

12. Merry Christmas!

This version of this article also appears in PoliZette.

Top Ten Things Global Warming Caused Besides Terrorism

There’s now consensus: Global warming causes terrorism. Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders declared it so during a Democratic presidential debate. No more proof was needed, of course, but now President Obama has declared it, too. Speaking at an international climate change conference in Paris this week, Obama provided “a glimpse of our children’s fate if the… Continue Reading

Videos || SNL Binges on Politics

Saturday Night Live Saturday had several sketches that centered on the presidential campaign. Of course, they’re mostly zinging Republicans, but that’s to be expected. Here’s the opening, which goes after some pretty easy prey is you want to send something up, Donald Trump.   This is maybe the best of the lot, a commercial on… Continue Reading

Video || Political Correctness from Birth

Political correctness is learned early these days, of course. School kids must be taught that “trigger statements,” “bullying” – i.e. anything that might possibly be upsetting to another kid – and any reference at all to the Confederacy, global cooling or any lack of global warming, the existence of differences between races or genders, the possibility… Continue Reading