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Tag Archives: Satire

Israel Agrees to be Destroyed in Ten Years

Israel today announced that, in keeping with the spirit of President Obama’s emerging nuclear deal with Iran, it has agreed to be entirely destroyed in ten years.

“While we regret the destruction of our country, we understand that President Obama is not very good at negotiating agreements, and that he never had any intention of attacking Iran,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “In light of this, we recognize that this is the best deal he could get, and we have decided to wrap things up in ten years.”

Indeed, a source in the Cuban government confirmed that Obama is not adept at negotiating deals. “He just gave everything, asking nothing in return,” the Cuban official said. “We were pretty surprised. We want to do some more deals with him.”

The president’s agreement to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapons reportedly will sunset in about ten years. That’s when Israel will sunset too.

“This is great, because I never had the incentive before to create bucket list,” said Netanyahu. “By being able to properly schedule my demise, I can arrange to do the things I always wanted to do within a finite period of time. Thank you, Obama.”

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A spokesman for the Palestinian Authority also expressed support for the Iran deal. “We don’t care if all the land is radioactive. Just as long as the Jews aren’t on it,” he said

Secretary of State John Kerry denied that Israel would perish in a decade, saying the Iranians had “guaranteed” that they would never, ever, ever build a nuclear weapon.

“This is not just some promise,” Kerry said. “This is a guarantee. Iron clad. Triple knotted. And sealed with kiss.” Kerry declined to elaborate on that final point.

He said U.S. negotiators were actually standing behind the Iranians to make sure they weren’t crossing their fingers behind their backs when the guarantees were made.

Kerry added that “out of an abundance of caution,” HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell was negotiating with U.S. health insurers who sell plans in Israel to make sure they provide coverage for radiation sickness.

A spokesman for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei emphasized that Iran’s nuclear program was entirely for peaceful purposes.

“Iran desperately needs nuclear energy to power our growing number of rabbit farms,” he said. “Many Iranians have invested in these rabbit farms, and there simply is not enough oil to provide power for them all. So you can see why the nuclear program is such a priority, and one that we have been developing for decades and are willing to incur massive sanctions to keep. It’s all about the rabbit farms.”

Pressed further, he acknowledged there might be other uses.

“Okay, maybe we’ll create a bomb. But just little bomb. A fun bomb. You know, like how the candy bars also come in a ‘fun size.’ We’ll just blow up a kibbutz or something. No big deal.”

The spokesman thanked Obama for being so weak. “He’s been such a pussycat. We are very grateful.”

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Qatar, and Oman also promised to begin their own nuclear programs.

“We’ve got lots of, um, rabbit farms too,” said a spokesman for Saudi King Salman.

ISIS Agrees to Three-Year War

ISIS commanders today announced that they had agreed to President Obama’s time limit of three years for the war between the Islamic state and the United States and its allies.

“We think three years is enough time to decide who’s best,” an ISIS spokesman said today. “There is much wisdom to Obama’s approach. It’s kind of like a soccer match. At some point, you have to call time, and whoever is ahead is the winner.”

President Obama’s proposed authorization of military force lasts for three years, after which the next president would have to try to extract a new authorization from Congress if he decided to continue the war.

U.S. and ISIS officials cautioned that time may be added at the end of the three years if the fighting is interrupted by injuries. Injuries are generally expected in soccer and in wars, so the actual duration of the match could extend a bit beyond three years.

The ISIS announcement is seen as a victory for proponents of the Obama Doctrine, which states that wars can be “led from behind” and ended when the United States feels like it.

The doctrine was previously known as “surrendering.”

“We think ‘surrender’ had an awful ring to it,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “It implied we needed to continue wars until we win them, and that’s just not the case here in the 21st-century. We oppose outmoded ways of thinking.”

White House officials said that in order to maintain interest among fans watching the contest and following it on the Internet, the United States would make the matchup “more fair” by fielding players who had no idea what they were doing.

“Of course, we could wipe ISIS out in 30 days on our own if we wanted to,” said one U.S. official. “But why would we want to do that? Where’s the sportsmanship and the excitement? Much better to get our allies intimately involved and draw this thing out.”

U.S. officials acknowledged that not fielding a full U.S. team could mean that some of the play would occur on the U.S. side of the field. “Sure, they’ll send their strikers into U.S. territory,” said the U.S. official. “But we are counting on the Department of Homeland Security to block their shots.”

U.S. negotiators sought to have red cards given to ISIS fighters who slice off people’s heads or burn them alive, but ISIS successfully argued that this was an integral component of their “culture” and they should not be penalized for it.

However, U.S. troops who draw pictures of Muhammed will be issued yellow cards. Negotiators noted that they had successfully knocked this down from a red card penalty.

The contest will be preceded by at three-month “warmup” period during which ISIS will be permitted to kill as many people in Mosul as possible and plan attacks on the United States. American troops will use the time to try to recoup weapons they were forced to leave in Yemen.

Speaking from his pickle jar in Red Square, Vladimir Lenin praised the three-year war plan. “Boy, Obama really gets it. If we can have five-year plans for the economy, why can’t we make a three-year plan for a war? This is sheer brilliance.”

A spokesman for The Nazi Veterans of Dusseldorf spoke wistfully of the three-year war plan. “Oh, if only we had such a plan in place during World War II,” he said. “We’d end the fighting in control of nearly all of Western and Eastern Europe. If only Obama were president then instead of Roosevelt.”