As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: Satire

Ben Carson Seizes Power

Former Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson seized power this morning, declaring a state of emergency and then going to sleep.

Carson and a team of heavily armed neurosurgeons occupied the White House at 0700 hours. President Obama, who was on the White House putting green at the time, was immediately placed under house arrest. But then Carson and his forces realized that the house would be the White House, and this wouldn’t be a good idea considering that they had staged a coup d’etat.

Obama was subsequently removed from the premises, screaming something about Carson having “crossed a red line” and warning of consequences.

“The former president has been fed breakfast and taken to Guantanamo Bay,” said Carson Minister of Propaganda Sarah Palin. “He is being kept under good conditions, including a half an hour of exercise, daily playtime with Raul Castro, and Muslim-appropriate meals.”

Happy April Fools Day. You can read the rest of my satire on LifeZette.

Twelve Things to Say to Infuriate Your Liberal Christmas Guests

You know who they are. They’re siblings who believed their professors in college. They’re in-laws you can do nothing about. They are “friends” who secretly think you are a mindless, evil philistine.

These liberals love to ruin your dinner with sanctimony and moral superiority. Well, on the theory that the best defense is a good offense, here are 12 things you can say to pre-empt the inevitable attack.

1: Did you know that the earth hasn’t really warmed for almost 20 years?

2: So, how much did your health insurance premiums go up this year?

3: Would you mind if 20 young, male Syrian refugees moved into a rooming house next door to you and your children?

4: What’s worse, an 18-minute gap in a tape recording or 30,000 missing emails?

5: How’s the Obama presidency been working out for black Americans?

6: Donald Trump is worth $4 billion. How much are you worth?

7: Who’s smarter, you or Ted Cruz?

8: What are you doing “owning” on land that belongs to Native Americans?

9: Which president has the worst average GDP growth per quarter in the postwar period, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, or George W. Bush? (Answer: None of them, it’s Barack Obama with an average rate of 1.78 percent, according to U.S. News & World Report)

10: Did you know that the immigration enforcement authorities removed 76,000 criminals apprehended at or near the border or other points of entry this year?

11. Would you rather experience a terrorist attack in a place that allows concealed carry or one that doesn’t?

12. Merry Christmas!

This version of this article also appears in PoliZette.

It’s December 8, 1941, and Obama is President

Good evening my fellow Americans.

We have received news that Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor, our military base in Hawaii. I want to assure Americans that I’ve got this, that our current policy toward Japan is working, and that no changes are needed.

I am working from the moment I wake up every morning on my top priority, which as you probably know is the protection of Japanese Americans and the preservation of their safe spaces, both physical and emotional.

Yesterday, December 7, 1941: A date which will live in empathy.

The Japanese are our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes. Especially those among us who are sumo wrestling fans. Anyway, we cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and … Japan, just because we are being attacked by, well, by Japan. You see, a group of extremists are the ones doing this. Even if the extremists are running the government and are backed by much of the population, they’re still extremists.

I refuse to call them Japanese extremists, by the way. Let’s be clear, they are Japanese, and they are extremists. But they are not Japanese extremists.

Now, just because Hawaii has been attacked and the West Coast will eventually be threatened, we cannot give in to fear. We must understand the legitimate concerns of the Japanese people, who for decades now have been forced to endure American cultural imperialism and the obnoxious behavior of our tourists.

For this reason, I am dispatching immediately to Tokyo a team of 200 conflict resolution specialists and other ambassadors of goodwill.

Germany and Italy have also declared war on America, and so things are really heating up. And that’s the problem. We are in the early stages of global warming, and if we don’t begin to reduce carbon emissions now, the ice caps will begin to melt by, say, the 2020s, and extreme weather conditions will prevail.

If global warming is allowed to continue, the whole Hawaiian island chain will be under water. And I ask you, which is worse, Japan bombing a section of Honolulu, or the whole place being turned into Atlantis? I think the question answers itself.

My science advisors advise me — because that’s what they are supposed to do, advise me — that a large-scale buildup of weapons by U.S. factories will cause unacceptable carbon emissions to occur, possibly accelerating the global warming process. I cannot allow short term concerns like some aberrant attack from generally peaceful Japanese to provoke a response that creates a possible worldwide crisis in 80 years.

My advisors have also informed me that American scientists are aggressively working on something called “The Manhattan Project.” Now, while I initially assumed this had to do with the ongoing refurbishment of my suite at the Plaza Hotel, I have since determined that it is an effort to develop a weapon that could destroy entire cities and possibly force the Japanese to surrender. However, I have judged that such a weapon could possibly cause civilian casualties, and so I have put a halt to the program.

My close friend Neville Chamberlain called me this morning and said I was being a wuss. Now, hearing this from Neville is quite surprising, as he is one of history’s biggest wusses. But I think Neville fails to understand that it is far easier to just bomb somebody than it is to convince them that you mean them no harm.

I believe our plan is working and that the Pearl Harbor attack is being addressed. I have wasted no time dispatching a team to assess the environmental impact of the air raid. I have ordered that they finish their report not later than December of 1943. If Japan attacks other American installations, these too will be followed by immediate environmental impact assessments. I will not relent.

In the meantime, we will confront the Japanese with the most aggressive cultural exchange and mutual understanding programs even known to man.

Remember, we must not give way to fear. Far better to give way to fantasy. In this, I promise, you, I will not falter.

Good bless you. And God bless America, and since God isn’t an American exceptionalist, God bless Japan too.

This post also appears on LifeZette.

Top Ten Things Global Warming Caused Besides Terrorism

There’s now consensus: Global warming causes terrorism. Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders declared it so during a Democratic presidential debate. No more proof was needed, of course, but now President Obama has declared it, too. Speaking at an international climate change conference in Paris this week, Obama provided “a glimpse of our children’s fate if the… Continue Reading

Videos || SNL Binges on Politics

Saturday Night Live Saturday had several sketches that centered on the presidential campaign. Of course, they’re mostly zinging Republicans, but that’s to be expected. Here’s the opening, which goes after some pretty easy prey is you want to send something up, Donald Trump.   This is maybe the best of the lot, a commercial on… Continue Reading

Video || Political Correctness from Birth

Political correctness is learned early these days, of course. School kids must be taught that “trigger statements,” “bullying” – i.e. anything that might possibly be upsetting to another kid – and any reference at all to the Confederacy, global cooling or any lack of global warming, the existence of differences between races or genders, the possibility… Continue Reading