As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Tag Archives: Satire

Israel Agrees to be Destroyed in Ten Years

Israel today announced that, in keeping with the spirit of President Obama’s emerging nuclear deal with Iran, it has agreed to be entirely destroyed in ten years.

“While we regret the destruction of our country, we understand that President Obama is not very good at negotiating agreements, and that he never had any intention of attacking Iran,” said Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “In light of this, we recognize that this is the best deal he could get, and we have decided to wrap things up in ten years.”

Indeed, a source in the Cuban government confirmed that Obama is not adept at negotiating deals. “He just gave everything, asking nothing in return,” the Cuban official said. “We were pretty surprised. We want to do some more deals with him.”

The president’s agreement to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear weapons reportedly will sunset in about ten years. That’s when Israel will sunset too.

“This is great, because I never had the incentive before to create bucket list,” said Netanyahu. “By being able to properly schedule my demise, I can arrange to do the things I always wanted to do within a finite period of time. Thank you, Obama.”

Netanyahu Obama 2

A spokesman for the Palestinian Authority also expressed support for the Iran deal. “We don’t care if all the land is radioactive. Just as long as the Jews aren’t on it,” he said

Secretary of State John Kerry denied that Israel would perish in a decade, saying the Iranians had “guaranteed” that they would never, ever, ever build a nuclear weapon.

“This is not just some promise,” Kerry said. “This is a guarantee. Iron clad. Triple knotted. And sealed with kiss.” Kerry declined to elaborate on that final point.

He said U.S. negotiators were actually standing behind the Iranians to make sure they weren’t crossing their fingers behind their backs when the guarantees were made.

Kerry added that “out of an abundance of caution,” HHS Secretary Sylvia Burwell was negotiating with U.S. health insurers who sell plans in Israel to make sure they provide coverage for radiation sickness.

A spokesman for Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei emphasized that Iran’s nuclear program was entirely for peaceful purposes.

“Iran desperately needs nuclear energy to power our growing number of rabbit farms,” he said. “Many Iranians have invested in these rabbit farms, and there simply is not enough oil to provide power for them all. So you can see why the nuclear program is such a priority, and one that we have been developing for decades and are willing to incur massive sanctions to keep. It’s all about the rabbit farms.”

Pressed further, he acknowledged there might be other uses.

“Okay, maybe we’ll create a bomb. But just little bomb. A fun bomb. You know, like how the candy bars also come in a ‘fun size.’ We’ll just blow up a kibbutz or something. No big deal.”

The spokesman thanked Obama for being so weak. “He’s been such a pussycat. We are very grateful.”

Meanwhile, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Qatar, and Oman also promised to begin their own nuclear programs.

“We’ve got lots of, um, rabbit farms too,” said a spokesman for Saudi King Salman.

ISIS Agrees to Three-Year War

ISIS commanders today announced that they had agreed to President Obama’s time limit of three years for the war between the Islamic state and the United States and its allies.

“We think three years is enough time to decide who’s best,” an ISIS spokesman said today. “There is much wisdom to Obama’s approach. It’s kind of like a soccer match. At some point, you have to call time, and whoever is ahead is the winner.”

President Obama’s proposed authorization of military force lasts for three years, after which the next president would have to try to extract a new authorization from Congress if he decided to continue the war.

U.S. and ISIS officials cautioned that time may be added at the end of the three years if the fighting is interrupted by injuries. Injuries are generally expected in soccer and in wars, so the actual duration of the match could extend a bit beyond three years.

The ISIS announcement is seen as a victory for proponents of the Obama Doctrine, which states that wars can be “led from behind” and ended when the United States feels like it.

The doctrine was previously known as “surrendering.”

“We think ‘surrender’ had an awful ring to it,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “It implied we needed to continue wars until we win them, and that’s just not the case here in the 21st-century. We oppose outmoded ways of thinking.”

White House officials said that in order to maintain interest among fans watching the contest and following it on the Internet, the United States would make the matchup “more fair” by fielding players who had no idea what they were doing.

“Of course, we could wipe ISIS out in 30 days on our own if we wanted to,” said one U.S. official. “But why would we want to do that? Where’s the sportsmanship and the excitement? Much better to get our allies intimately involved and draw this thing out.”

U.S. officials acknowledged that not fielding a full U.S. team could mean that some of the play would occur on the U.S. side of the field. “Sure, they’ll send their strikers into U.S. territory,” said the U.S. official. “But we are counting on the Department of Homeland Security to block their shots.”

U.S. negotiators sought to have red cards given to ISIS fighters who slice off people’s heads or burn them alive, but ISIS successfully argued that this was an integral component of their “culture” and they should not be penalized for it.

However, U.S. troops who draw pictures of Muhammed will be issued yellow cards. Negotiators noted that they had successfully knocked this down from a red card penalty.

The contest will be preceded by at three-month “warmup” period during which ISIS will be permitted to kill as many people in Mosul as possible and plan attacks on the United States. American troops will use the time to try to recoup weapons they were forced to leave in Yemen.

Speaking from his pickle jar in Red Square, Vladimir Lenin praised the three-year war plan. “Boy, Obama really gets it. If we can have five-year plans for the economy, why can’t we make a three-year plan for a war? This is sheer brilliance.”

A spokesman for The Nazi Veterans of Dusseldorf spoke wistfully of the three-year war plan. “Oh, if only we had such a plan in place during World War II,” he said. “We’d end the fighting in control of nearly all of Western and Eastern Europe. If only Obama were president then instead of Roosevelt.”

 

How Brian Williams Helped Washington Win the Battle of Trenton

I don’t know about you, but I still believe that Brian Williams was in a chopper hit by RPGs while covering the war in Iraq. He’s just being modest in recanting the story, trying to make sure our brave servicemen get the credit.

Because this is just the least of Williams’ heroics. What few people know, and what Williams has never discussed, is that he helped George Washington win the Battle of Trenton.

And I know. Because I was there too.

I remember the whole thing like it was 240 years ago. Which is to say, not very well. But certain moments from the events of that evening and the following morning stand out.

It was Christmas Day, 1776. We were in Pennsylvania, and Washington was planning his New Year’s eve attack on the Hessians, who were across the Delaware River in Trenton. It was then that Williams – yes, NBC Anchor Brian Williams – got the idea that we must move out that very night.

We had all just opened our presents. Williams had gotten some new Brooks Brothers socks and was trying them on when it occurred to him that he had plans for New Year’s Eve, and so it was essential the Continental Army decamp right away!

Williams went to Washington’s tent and told him it was time to launch the attack. But the general was uncertain. The weather was bad and the river was icy. This was not the night for a crossing.

But unlike Washington, who vacillated, Williams was resolute. He showed steadfastness that night that not even the Father of our Country could muster. Part of it was that he knew that in only a few days he’d have to catch the Red Eye out to L.A. for the party at Bono’s mansion in Beverly Hills. But what I saw that night was also real courage. The courage of an anchorman.

While Washington was fretting about the river, Williams seized upon a different strategy. The Pennsylvania Turnpike, Williams knew, crossed the Delaware just south of Trenton. The army could use its E-ZPass – or just take a limo – get on the turnpike, cross the river, and then drive straight up 295 North and into Trenton, where they’d surprise the Hessians.

Washington saw the wisdom of Williams’ plan. The army would march at a 7:00 pm that evening, right after Williams had finished his broadcast. And Williams, noble gentleman that he is, made up the story years later about the Delaware crossing, just to give Washington the credit.

Anyway, as we crossed the river and headed up 295 North, Washington started getting the willies again, wondering whether we had enough grizzled veterans around to help lead the charge. But Williams quickly reminded him that Hillary Clinton was in the ranks and would lead part of the assault. Hillary, Washington knew, had bravely weathered Serb sniper fire in Bosnia. She had the character to withstand whatever the Hessians threw at her.

Right beside her through the battle would be Bill Clinton, who, after dodging the draft during the French and Indian War, had decided to sign up for this one. Bill was strong, fresh, and ready, having not had sexual relations with a single woman the whole night.

Washington felt better, and we continued on past several rest stops, to the very outskirts of Trenton.

The Hessians were camped in the center of town. We could see the embers of their fires as they slept off a night of Christmas merriment and drink. But as we crept closer, morning began to dawn, and we noticed, to our horror, that the Hessians had awakened.

We needed a plan. And fast.

It was then that Williams reminded Washington that there was a man of boundless wisdom on hand. Someone who, Williams told Washington, must “probably have a much higher IQ than you do, I suspect,” who graduated in the “top half” of his law school, and who received three degrees in college.

Someone named Joe Biden.

Washington called Biden over to his side and begged him to figure out what to do. Improvising swiftly, Biden came up with a plan. We would distract the Hessians. And Biden knew exactly how to do it.

Biden told Washington that Gen. Barack Obama was among the troops, and he had brought with him one of his composite girlfriends. Sure, she had one brown eye and one blue, and her left leg was six inches shorter than her right. But she was real looker – Kate Upton, Scarlett Johansson, and Katy Perry all rolled into one.

Biden convinced Washington to have her enter the camp in a bikini and start cooking breakfast. It was cold, but she was a patriot. A composite patriot.

As she walked forward, Bill Clinton, not realizing the plan, tried to follow, but was lassoed in by a quick thinking Hillary, who’d seen this kind of thing happen before.

The Hessians were mesmerized as she descended into their ranks and began scrambling eggs. Meanwhile, Biden stealthily led a contingent of troops to the north side of the Hessians’ camp. Hillary led one to the east.

Williams would oversee the whole operation from in front of the main force to the south. Obama would lead from behind.

But the west side of the Hessian camp was completely open. The mercenaries could make an easy escape. I looked to the sky, beseeching the Lord for a sign. Something. Anything.

I turned my gaze back to the west. And there it was.

A tribe of friendly Native Americans led by Elizabeth Warren was scurrying into position. Tears streamed down my face. The day was saved.

At that moment Bill Clinton sounded his saxophone, signaling for each phalanx to begin moving in.

The Hessians rose to fight, but almost immediately they had a terrible realization: They were surrounded by pathological liars. There was no escape. Even if they proved victorious, no one would believe them, because the liars would all say they lost. The British would never pay them.

It was no use. Their only choice was to surrender.

And that was how we won the Battle of Trenton.

Brian Williams is a hero. Our current leaders are heroes. This is, as his Williams’ predecessor in the NBC anchor chair Tom Brokaw put it, the greatest generation.

Okay, that was a different generation. Whatever. I’m proud of Williams, Obama, Biden, Warren, and the Clintons. Unlike you and me, they were willing to lay down their lies for this country.

Obama Announces Plan to Give Every American Their First Job

In a surprise post-State of the Union announcement, President Obama Wednesday made a dramatic entrance into the White House briefing room and offered a proposal for the government to provide every American “who wants a job” with their first job out of college. “With free daycare, the government will take care of every American child beginning the secondContinue Reading