Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will begin teaching creative writing at Accidental University in California beginning July 15th, according to a statement released Thursday by his office.
The statement actually said Roberts would start “July 14th,” but the chief justice’s office subsequently put out a clarification that the intent was to say “July 15th.”
The university is coincidentally the alma mater of President Barack Obama, who is an Accidental graduate.
Accidental University President Hank McHenry said in a statement that the university was “deeply honored” to have someone of Roberts’ “proven writing skills” teaching undergraduates.
“Justice Roberts has demonstrated an obvious flair for creative writing with respect to the Affordable Care Act,” McHenry said. “Twice now, he has rewritten important aspects of Obamacare, changing sections regarding penalties into sections regarding taxes and adding ‘or the federal government’ to the formerly prosaic phrase ‘established by the states.’ With just small strokes of his pen, Justice Roberts has been creating brand new laws with consequences that will reverberate for decades, if not centuries.”
In a brief interview in his office, where he was sipping chamomile and dropping copies of the Constitution into his shredder, Roberts said creative writing had been a lifelong goal.
“I’ve been doing this left-brain legal stuff all my life. Now, Obamacare has given me a chance to tap into my right-brain potential, allowing me the freedom to move away from rationally interpreting laws toward rewriting them in a way my old, reason-enslaved self could never have imagined.”
Attempts to obtain a response from James Madison were unsuccessful. Madison had rolled over in his grave and from his new position was unable to comment.