As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Category Archives: Satire

Twelve Things to Say to Infuriate Your Liberal Christmas Guests

You know who they are. They’re siblings who believed their professors in college. They’re in-laws you can do nothing about. They are “friends” who secretly think you are a mindless, evil philistine.

These liberals love to ruin your dinner with sanctimony and moral superiority. Well, on the theory that the best defense is a good offense, here are 12 things you can say to pre-empt the inevitable attack.

1: Did you know that the earth hasn’t really warmed for almost 20 years?

2: So, how much did your health insurance premiums go up this year?

3: Would you mind if 20 young, male Syrian refugees moved into a rooming house next door to you and your children?

4: What’s worse, an 18-minute gap in a tape recording or 30,000 missing emails?

5: How’s the Obama presidency been working out for black Americans?

6: Donald Trump is worth $4 billion. How much are you worth?

7: Who’s smarter, you or Ted Cruz?

8: What are you doing “owning” on land that belongs to Native Americans?

9: Which president has the worst average GDP growth per quarter in the postwar period, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, or George W. Bush? (Answer: None of them, it’s Barack Obama with an average rate of 1.78 percent, according to U.S. News & World Report)

10: Did you know that the immigration enforcement authorities removed 76,000 criminals apprehended at or near the border or other points of entry this year?

11. Would you rather experience a terrorist attack in a place that allows concealed carry or one that doesn’t?

12. Merry Christmas!

This version of this article also appears in PoliZette.

It’s December 8, 1941, and Obama is President

Good evening my fellow Americans.

We have received news that Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor, our military base in Hawaii. I want to assure Americans that I’ve got this, that our current policy toward Japan is working, and that no changes are needed.

I am working from the moment I wake up every morning on my top priority, which as you probably know is the protection of Japanese Americans and the preservation of their safe spaces, both physical and emotional.

Yesterday, December 7, 1941: A date which will live in empathy.

The Japanese are our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes. Especially those among us who are sumo wrestling fans. Anyway, we cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and … Japan, just because we are being attacked by, well, by Japan. You see, a group of extremists are the ones doing this. Even if the extremists are running the government and are backed by much of the population, they’re still extremists.

I refuse to call them Japanese extremists, by the way. Let’s be clear, they are Japanese, and they are extremists. But they are not Japanese extremists.

Now, just because Hawaii has been attacked and the West Coast will eventually be threatened, we cannot give in to fear. We must understand the legitimate concerns of the Japanese people, who for decades now have been forced to endure American cultural imperialism and the obnoxious behavior of our tourists.

For this reason, I am dispatching immediately to Tokyo a team of 200 conflict resolution specialists and other ambassadors of goodwill.

Germany and Italy have also declared war on America, and so things are really heating up. And that’s the problem. We are in the early stages of global warming, and if we don’t begin to reduce carbon emissions now, the ice caps will begin to melt by, say, the 2020s, and extreme weather conditions will prevail.

If global warming is allowed to continue, the whole Hawaiian island chain will be under water. And I ask you, which is worse, Japan bombing a section of Honolulu, or the whole place being turned into Atlantis? I think the question answers itself.

My science advisors advise me — because that’s what they are supposed to do, advise me — that a large-scale buildup of weapons by U.S. factories will cause unacceptable carbon emissions to occur, possibly accelerating the global warming process. I cannot allow short term concerns like some aberrant attack from generally peaceful Japanese to provoke a response that creates a possible worldwide crisis in 80 years.

My advisors have also informed me that American scientists are aggressively working on something called “The Manhattan Project.” Now, while I initially assumed this had to do with the ongoing refurbishment of my suite at the Plaza Hotel, I have since determined that it is an effort to develop a weapon that could destroy entire cities and possibly force the Japanese to surrender. However, I have judged that such a weapon could possibly cause civilian casualties, and so I have put a halt to the program.

My close friend Neville Chamberlain called me this morning and said I was being a wuss. Now, hearing this from Neville is quite surprising, as he is one of history’s biggest wusses. But I think Neville fails to understand that it is far easier to just bomb somebody than it is to convince them that you mean them no harm.

I believe our plan is working and that the Pearl Harbor attack is being addressed. I have wasted no time dispatching a team to assess the environmental impact of the air raid. I have ordered that they finish their report not later than December of 1943. If Japan attacks other American installations, these too will be followed by immediate environmental impact assessments. I will not relent.

In the meantime, we will confront the Japanese with the most aggressive cultural exchange and mutual understanding programs even known to man.

Remember, we must not give way to fear. Far better to give way to fantasy. In this, I promise, you, I will not falter.

Good bless you. And God bless America, and since God isn’t an American exceptionalist, God bless Japan too.

This post also appears on LifeZette.

Top Ten Things Global Warming Caused Besides Terrorism

There’s now consensus: Global warming causes terrorism.

Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders declared it so during a Democratic presidential debate. No more proof was needed, of course, but now President Obama has declared it, too.

Speaking at an international climate change conference in Paris this week, Obama provided “a glimpse of our children’s fate if the climate keeps changing faster than our efforts to address it.” This will include: “Submerged countries. Abandoned cities. Fields that no longer grow. Political disruptions that trigger new conflict, and even more floods of desperate peoples seeking the sanctuary of nations not their own.”

But Prime Minister Enele Sopoaga of the Pacific island nation of Tuvalu went further than America’s community organizer, declaring that “the effects of climate change … we strongly believe is also the cause of radicalism and terrorism.”

Well, we at LifeZette also strongly believe in the power of climate change, which itself may be imaginary but, whatever. As a service to you, the reader, we reveal 10 other horrible things global warming causes in addition to terrorism.

1. Obesity: Many are under the erroneous impression obesity is caused by eating too much and exercising too little. Nope. It’s now established that obesity is caused by global warming.

2. Disco: Disco was one of the worst things to happen to the ’70s. It, too, was caused by global warming. In fact, the two deceased Bee Gees each confirmed this before their deaths.

3. Bernie Sanders: The Democratic presidential candidate is one of the chief opponents of global warming. And yet it is little known that he himself was in fact caused by global warming.

4. The Patriots’ deflated footballs: No, it wasn’t Tom Brady who let the air out of those pigskins. Global warming.

5. Sinead O’Connor: Atmospheric scientists have determined that Sinead O’Connor was also caused by global warming. She may be cooling now.

6. Ishtar: One of the biggest movie flops of all time, the film ‘Ishtar’ is estimated to have lost some $40 million. The cause? Global warming.

7. The Kardashians: One of the worst things to happen to the country since disco, the Kardashians were also caused by global warming

8. Impossible To Open Children’s Toys: You’ve probably wondered why anyone would put unbreakable plastic around your kids new toy. They didn’t. It was global warming.

9. Poodles: These annoying little dogs have were in fact not created by breeders. They were created by global warming.

10. Bill Clinton’s insatiable sex drive: The fact is, as a kid, Bill Clinton was bookish and shy around women. But once global warming really started kicking in during the 1960s, Bill began propositioning every woman in Little Rock.

This piece first appeared on PoliZette.

Videos || SNL Binges on Politics

Saturday Night Live Saturday had several sketches that centered on the presidential campaign.

Of course, they’re mostly zinging Republicans, but that’s to be expected. Here’s the opening, which goes after some pretty easy prey is you want to send something up, Donald Trump.

 

This is maybe the best of the lot, a commercial on a medication designed to help delusions presidential candidates.

 

Finally, an appearance by Hillary Clinton. Sure, she gets tagged for a few obvious hypocrisies everyone. But this is basically an attempt by SNL to help her say, “Hey, it’s not so bad,” while doing some inevitable humanizing.

Video || Political Correctness from Birth

Political correctness is learned early these days, of course. School kids must be taught that “trigger statements,” “bullying” – i.e. anything that might possibly be upsetting to another kid – and any reference at all to the Confederacy, global cooling or any lack of global warming, the existence of differences between races or genders, the possibility that mankind has ever done anything good to the earth, Rush Limbaugh and other hateful people, negative comments about Michelle Obama’s lunch recipes, and of course anything having to do with a weapon or explosive, is forbidden.

Remy of ReasonTV has a pretty funny take on this.

Roberts to Teach Creative Writing Class

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will begin teaching creative writing at Accidental University in California beginning July 15th, according to a statement released Thursday by his office. The statement actually said Roberts would start “July 14th,” but the chief justice’s office subsequently put out a clarification that the intent was to say “July 15th.” The university is… Continue Reading