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Category Archives: Satire

Roberts to Teach Creative Writing Class

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will begin teaching creative writing at Accidental University in California beginning July 15th, according to a statement released Thursday by his office.

The statement actually said Roberts would start “July 14th,” but the chief justice’s office subsequently put out a clarification that the intent was to say “July 15th.”

The university is coincidentally the alma mater of President Barack Obama, who is an Accidental graduate.

Accidental University President Hank McHenry said in a statement that the university was “deeply honored” to have someone of Roberts’ “proven writing skills” teaching undergraduates.

“Justice Roberts has demonstrated an obvious flair for creative writing with respect to the Affordable Care Act,” McHenry said. “Twice now, he has rewritten important aspects of Obamacare, changing sections regarding penalties into sections regarding taxes and adding ‘or the federal government’ to the formerly prosaic phrase ‘established by the states.’ With just small strokes of his pen, Justice Roberts has been creating brand new laws with consequences that will reverberate for decades, if not centuries.”

In a brief interview in his office, where he was sipping chamomile and dropping copies of the Constitution into his shredder, Roberts said creative writing had been a lifelong goal.

“I’ve been doing this left-brain legal stuff all my life. Now, Obamacare has given me a chance to tap into my right-brain potential, allowing me the freedom to move away from rationally interpreting laws toward rewriting them in a way my old, reason-enslaved self could never have imagined.”

Attempts to obtain a response from James Madison were unsuccessful. Madison had rolled over in his grave and from his new position was unable to comment.

Top Ten “Consulting” Services Offered by Bill Clinton

So, we learn today that Bill Clinton established a secret company through which he funneled secret earnings that the Clintons tried to keep secret.

The work was for “consulting.” It’s a common job around Washington, consulting. Who knows what it means?

That’s why I sent a team of reporters to find out just what kind of consulting advice Bill Clinton was offering to his well-heeled corporate clients.

Here, for you, are the top ten:

1. How to create proper feng shui in your office and also turn it into a sex palace.

2. The meaning of word “is” – with additional information on how to use it in a sentence.

3. How to get the full value out of your interns.

4. Worried your son may one day face a draft? 1960s draft-dodging techniques updated for the 21st century.

5. Strategies for lying to a grand jury and not going to jail.

6. How to turn the presidency into a money-making extravaganza.

7. Why starting your own charity is the perfect scam.

8. Someone caught you cheating? How to convince your wife it’s all just part of a “vast right wing conspiracy.”

9. Ramen Noodle Rich: How to scrape by on $25 million a year.

10. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus? Okay, how to meet chicks on Mars.

Maybe More Local Government Isn’t the Answer

Okay Mr. President, score one for your ideology. Maybe things aren’t always best left to the localities.

Although as a clever friend of mine, Aylana Meisel, noted, “Just imagine how much government waste there would have been at the federal level, though.”

Some of you may be reminded of this . . .

Top Ten Reasons Hillary Knows She Still Will Be President

Things are beginning to look a little iffy for Mrs. Clinton. Scandals are erupting. Questions are being raised about her qualities as a candidate. It’s not the best of times for Hillary.

But privately, Clinton aides say she is confident of victory. None would talk on the record, for fear of having a lamp thrown at them. But they provided a list of reasons Hillary is still certain she will be president.

Here are the top ten:

1. She can prove most ethical lapses were caused by global warming.

2. She has a fool-proof plan to convince primary voters that Elizabeth Warren has leprosy.

3. Bill plans to be in Thailand for much of 2016.

4. Magic Eight Ball said, “You may rely on it.”

5. Used the Reset Button on her campaign and this time it worked!

6. Practicing for several hours every day to be herself.

7. Is in training to carry two or even three electronic devices around at the same time.

8. So far, is doing far better than in 2008 at picking her opponents.

9. Has discovered an achievement notched as Secretary of State and will unveil it just before Election Day.

10. Will show that Clinton Foundation donors weren’t seeking to influence policy – just wanted to save the world, one Clinton at a time.

*******

Are there any further reasons that you have uncovered in any of your research or reporting?

David Frye Does Richard Nixon

I was watching the video below of former Fox News White House reporter James Rosen, with whom I used to work when he was at the White House, doing some impressions. He hits them dead on. Have a look. So it got me thinking, this being a White House publication, about presidential impersonators. Given that this… Continue Reading