As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

It’s December 8, 1941, and Obama is President

Good evening my fellow Americans.

We have received news that Japan has attacked Pearl Harbor, our military base in Hawaii. I want to assure Americans that I’ve got this, that our current policy toward Japan is working, and that no changes are needed.

I am working from the moment I wake up every morning on my top priority, which as you probably know is the protection of Japanese Americans and the preservation of their safe spaces, both physical and emotional.

Yesterday, December 7, 1941: A date which will live in empathy.

The Japanese are our friends, our neighbors, our co-workers, our sports heroes. Especially those among us who are sumo wrestling fans. Anyway, we cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and … Japan, just because we are being attacked by, well, by Japan. You see, a group of extremists are the ones doing this. Even if the extremists are running the government and are backed by much of the population, they’re still extremists.

I refuse to call them Japanese extremists, by the way. Let’s be clear, they are Japanese, and they are extremists. But they are not Japanese extremists.

Now, just because Hawaii has been attacked and the West Coast will eventually be threatened, we cannot give in to fear. We must understand the legitimate concerns of the Japanese people, who for decades now have been forced to endure American cultural imperialism and the obnoxious behavior of our tourists.

For this reason, I am dispatching immediately to Tokyo a team of 200 conflict resolution specialists and other ambassadors of goodwill.

Germany and Italy have also declared war on America, and so things are really heating up. And that’s the problem. We are in the early stages of global warming, and if we don’t begin to reduce carbon emissions now, the ice caps will begin to melt by, say, the 2020s, and extreme weather conditions will prevail.

If global warming is allowed to continue, the whole Hawaiian island chain will be under water. And I ask you, which is worse, Japan bombing a section of Honolulu, or the whole place being turned into Atlantis? I think the question answers itself.

My science advisors advise me — because that’s what they are supposed to do, advise me — that a large-scale buildup of weapons by U.S. factories will cause unacceptable carbon emissions to occur, possibly accelerating the global warming process. I cannot allow short term concerns like some aberrant attack from generally peaceful Japanese to provoke a response that creates a possible worldwide crisis in 80 years.

My advisors have also informed me that American scientists are aggressively working on something called “The Manhattan Project.” Now, while I initially assumed this had to do with the ongoing refurbishment of my suite at the Plaza Hotel, I have since determined that it is an effort to develop a weapon that could destroy entire cities and possibly force the Japanese to surrender. However, I have judged that such a weapon could possibly cause civilian casualties, and so I have put a halt to the program.

My close friend Neville Chamberlain called me this morning and said I was being a wuss. Now, hearing this from Neville is quite surprising, as he is one of history’s biggest wusses. But I think Neville fails to understand that it is far easier to just bomb somebody than it is to convince them that you mean them no harm.

I believe our plan is working and that the Pearl Harbor attack is being addressed. I have wasted no time dispatching a team to assess the environmental impact of the air raid. I have ordered that they finish their report not later than December of 1943. If Japan attacks other American installations, these too will be followed by immediate environmental impact assessments. I will not relent.

In the meantime, we will confront the Japanese with the most aggressive cultural exchange and mutual understanding programs even known to man.

Remember, we must not give way to fear. Far better to give way to fantasy. In this, I promise, you, I will not falter.

Good bless you. And God bless America, and since God isn’t an American exceptionalist, God bless Japan too.

This post also appears on LifeZette.

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47 Responses to It’s December 8, 1941, and Obama is President

    • Here’s the money quote from that article:

      “Jarrett’s displeasure was apparently first to make itself known. She was outraged the FBI had done so (Comey’s statement) without first getting prior approval from her.”

      HER prior approval. Who the blazes does this crazy person think she is?

      Lots of other good stuff in that article, too. Demonstrates what we all have figured out–the WH is filled with third rate buffoons who will do anything to make themselves look good–lie, cheat, spin, and otherwise put the entire country in danger..

  1. Except for being a false analogy…Are you implying, Keith, that the detention camps should be next? Gotta go with a no on that one…much less excluding a religion from coming here.

    • So, where are all the “you don’t represent us” protests from all the moderate Muslims?

      Where are the “We are the 99% of peaceful Muslims, and the violent 1% must go” Occupy camps outside the radical mosques?

      Where?

      Silence is acquiescence; and if they’re not against it, we must assume they’re for it. We have to be 100% certain about who means well, and who wants us to die by the hundreds.

      This “we’re not sure, but we’ll give it the benefit of the doubt” routine is getting Americans killed, in their workplaces. Enough is enough.

    • Yes flesh eating zombies have rights! Its part of their religion to eat a christian. So since its a religion then its OK.

      They only eat some of use, so we have to protect the peaceful flesh eaters.

      Round them up and make a zombie camp how terrible. Oh my! (tears of shame)

        • The Quran contains at least 109 verses that call Muslims to war with nonbelievers for the sake of Islamic rule. Some are quite graphic, with commands to chop off heads and fingers and kill infidels wherever they may be hiding. Muslims who do not join the fight are called ‘hypocrites’ and warned that Allah will send them to Hell if they do not join the slaughter.

          • Quran (2:244) – “Then fight in the cause of Allah, and know that Allah Heareth and knoweth all things.”

            Quran (2:216) – “Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you

          • Quran (3:56) – “As to those who reject faith, I will punish them with terrible agony in this world and in the Hereafter, nor will they have anyone to help.”

            Quran (3:151) – “Soon shall We cast terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers, for that they joined companions with Allah, for which He had sent no authority”. This speaks directly of polytheists, yet it also includes Christians, since they believe in the Trinity (ie. what Muhammad incorrectly believed to be ‘joining companions to Allah’).

            Quran (4:74) – “Let those fight in the way of Allah who sell the life of this world for the other. Whoso fighteth in the way of Allah, be he slain or be he victorious, on him We shall bestow a vast reward.” The martyrs of Islam are unlike the early Christians, who were led meekly to the slaughter. These Muslims are killed in battle as they attempt to inflict death and destruction for the cause of Allah. This is the theological basis for today’s suicide bombers.

            Quran (4:76) – “Those who believe fight in the cause of Allah…

          • Does someone really have cut and paste all the bible verses few people follow anymore…how about Do not Cover thy neighbor’s wife (adultery rates)…Or lie–false witness… Or kill…plenty of people aren’t deterred there. Or Love thy neighbor as thyself…did not say only if the neighbor is Christian… But for the record, I do not condone zombies–they are pretty creepy. A friend was once doing field work on Africa and was telling us about it and he said quite matter of factly, “The zombies were in the field–the sun was setting…” WHAT? I said. Oh, yes, zombies do the field work. This was a guy from a big Ivy.

  2. It’s always fun to poke at absurdity by being absurd, and you’ve done your usual masterful job. The trouble of course, is that with Obama even the most absurd of absurdities is never quite out of the realm of possibility, and so this ends up sounding very much like what I’d imagine he might have said. A wuss, indeed.

    Though it would be interesting to see how Obama reacted if the threat were other than Islamic. I am convinced his behavior is driven more by his sympathy for Islam than by an inherent wussiness. Were the aggressors of today European, or even Asian, would his reaction be different? I think it might be.

  3. Simply brilliant satire that all of us believe is not too far fetched from what BHO would actually say.

    I noted the absence of any mention of what happened on 12/7/1941 by BHO yesterday!

  4. Just a little aside: ‘…Muslims are our sports heroes”…

    I distinctly remember the Obama family attending one of Craig Robinson’s B/B games. There are Muslims on his team, and when the National Anthem was played, all of the Muslims on the team refused to stand or participate. They were rude and obnoxious.

    So much for sports heroes!

    • A couple of muslim sports “heroes” entered my mind and they live very wealthy and extravagant lifestyles. Isn’t that against the tenets of Islam?

      Of course, I knew them as Cassius Clay and Lew Alcindor. Becoming muslim was no different than a christian coverting to jewish. Wonder what happened to that religion of peace?

  5. Brilliant! Thank God the spineless one wasn’t president during the more trying moments on American freedom. Else the Philip Dick novel might be reality…