There’s now consensus: Global warming causes terrorism.
Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders declared it so during a Democratic presidential debate. No more proof was needed, of course, but now President Obama has declared it, too.
Speaking at an international climate change conference in Paris this week, Obama provided “a glimpse of our children’s fate if the climate keeps changing faster than our efforts to address it.” This will include: “Submerged countries. Abandoned cities. Fields that no longer grow. Political disruptions that trigger new conflict, and even more floods of desperate peoples seeking the sanctuary of nations not their own.”
But Prime Minister Enele Sopoaga of the Pacific island nation of Tuvalu went further than America’s community organizer, declaring that “the effects of climate change … we strongly believe is also the cause of radicalism and terrorism.”
Well, we at LifeZette also strongly believe in the power of climate change, which itself may be imaginary but, whatever. As a service to you, the reader, we reveal 10 other horrible things global warming causes in addition to terrorism.
1. Obesity: Many are under the erroneous impression obesity is caused by eating too much and exercising too little. Nope. It’s now established that obesity is caused by global warming.
2. Disco: Disco was one of the worst things to happen to the ’70s. It, too, was caused by global warming. In fact, the two deceased Bee Gees each confirmed this before their deaths.
3. Bernie Sanders: The Democratic presidential candidate is one of the chief opponents of global warming. And yet it is little known that he himself was in fact caused by global warming.
4. The Patriots’ deflated footballs: No, it wasn’t Tom Brady who let the air out of those pigskins. Global warming.
5. Sinead O’Connor: Atmospheric scientists have determined that Sinead O’Connor was also caused by global warming. She may be cooling now.
6. Ishtar: One of the biggest movie flops of all time, the film ‘Ishtar’ is estimated to have lost some $40 million. The cause? Global warming.
7. The Kardashians: One of the worst things to happen to the country since disco, the Kardashians were also caused by global warming
8. Impossible To Open Children’s Toys: You’ve probably wondered why anyone would put unbreakable plastic around your kids new toy. They didn’t. It was global warming.
9. Poodles: These annoying little dogs have were in fact not created by breeders. They were created by global warming.
10. Bill Clinton’s insatiable sex drive: The fact is, as a kid, Bill Clinton was bookish and shy around women. But once global warming really started kicking in during the 1960s, Bill began propositioning every woman in Little Rock.
This piece first appeared on PoliZette.