As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Roberts to Teach Creative Writing Class

Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts will begin teaching creative writing at Accidental University in California beginning July 15th, according to a statement released Thursday by his office.

The statement actually said Roberts would start “July 14th,” but the chief justice’s office subsequently put out a clarification that the intent was to say “July 15th.”

The university is coincidentally the alma mater of President Barack Obama, who is an Accidental graduate.

Accidental University President Hank McHenry said in a statement that the university was “deeply honored” to have someone of Roberts’ “proven writing skills” teaching undergraduates.

“Justice Roberts has demonstrated an obvious flair for creative writing with respect to the Affordable Care Act,” McHenry said. “Twice now, he has rewritten important aspects of Obamacare, changing sections regarding penalties into sections regarding taxes and adding ‘or the federal government’ to the formerly prosaic phrase ‘established by the states.’ With just small strokes of his pen, Justice Roberts has been creating brand new laws with consequences that will reverberate for decades, if not centuries.”

In a brief interview in his office, where he was sipping chamomile and dropping copies of the Constitution into his shredder, Roberts said creative writing had been a lifelong goal.

“I’ve been doing this left-brain legal stuff all my life. Now, Obamacare has given me a chance to tap into my right-brain potential, allowing me the freedom to move away from rationally interpreting laws toward rewriting them in a way my old, reason-enslaved self could never have imagined.”

Attempts to obtain a response from James Madison were unsuccessful. Madison had rolled over in his grave and from his new position was unable to comment.

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39 Responses to Roberts to Teach Creative Writing Class

  1. Perhaps Roberts is taking the job at “Accidental University” because the poor baby just doesn’t make enough money on the Supreme Court.

    Flashback to January 2007, when Roberts had the nerve to call the “low” pay of federal judges and the Supremes a “constitutional crisis”:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2007/01/01/us/01scotus.html

    WASHINGTON, Dec. 31 — Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. made judicial pay the sole topic of his second annual report, issued on Sunday, declaring that the failure by Congress to raise federal judges’ salaries in recent years has become a “constitutional crisis” that puts the future of the federal courts in jeopardy.

    (snip)

    By statute, federal district judges receive the same salaries as members of Congress, now $165,200 a year. Judges on the federal appeals courts receive $175,100; associate justices of the Supreme Court, $203,000; and the chief justice $212,100. The linkage of district judges’ and Congressional salaries means that judges pay the price when members of Congress discern that it would be politically unpopular to raise their own pay.

    That was 2007. Update (from Wikipedia):

    As of January 2014, federal district judges are paid $199,100 a year, circuit judges $211,200, Associate Justices of the Supreme Court $244,400 and the Chief Justice of the United States $255,500. All were permitted to earn a maximum of an additional $21,000 a year for teaching.

    Must be tough.

  2. Think about how many trees SCOTUS saved today! Since the written law doesn’t matter anymore, Washington doesn’t need to put the laws on paper.

    Who knew SCOTUS would be a great advocate of Green savings!

  3. Keith as of 5:21 central time I agree with everyone.
    Everyone knows family members andfriends, who are not as comfortable financially has Roberts, o, and Congress. I made this point before: How do they look all those friends and relatives in the eye.
    I will even through their grade school teacher.
    As we are being pulled apart one shread at a time, certain nations, people, maniacs are enjoying this to no end.

  4. I was on my way to work and almost ran off the road when I heard about the 6-3 decision. I have been shaking my head in disbelief since then. Thank you for lightening my mood.

    • It really shouldn’t have been a surprise to you.
      It appears that Obama has both the congress and now the supreme court under his thumb.

  5. By the way, I do not use the middle finger. However they are leaving that out when they speak, vote, etc.

    I will be in mod for a while.

  6. Thanks for the laugh, Keith. I made it all the way to Madison being unavailable for comment from his new position before I spit my soda. I don’t know how I’d get through these dark days without you and WHD.

  7. OT:

    http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/bristol-palin-tweets-shes-pregnant-child/story?id=32036289

    Bristol Palin Tweets She’s Pregnant With Second Child
    Jun 25, 2015, 6:21 PM ET

    Bristol Palin, daughter of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, announced Thursday she is expecting her second child.

    She tweeted the news linking to s blog post that acknowledged she was making the announcement earlier than she anticipated, but assured readers, “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

    In a blog post titled “Big News,” Palin wrote:

    I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant. … I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you. But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy. My little family always has, and always will come first. Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.”

    A link to the blog post was published on Palin’s verified Twitter account.

    Palin was engaged to Medal of Honor Recipient Dakota Meyer earlier this year, but the pair called off their wedding ceremony scheduled for May 23.

    Palin was previously engaged in 2010 to Levi Johnston, the father of her first son, Tripp. She told ABC’s “Good Morning America” that she and Johnston were, “turning a new page here as co-parents to this wonderful boy and putting aside the past because doing so is in Tripp’s best interest.”

    Palin’s pregnancy during her mother’s 2008 vice presidential campaign, made national headlines.

    • Leave her alone. She has a hard row to hoe.
      Some of us know through personal experience.
      Bless you, Bristol, for not having an abortion.

        • My comment was not necessarily directed specifically to you but to the rabid haters in the media. However, you did post this…
          So – to everyone obsessed with this family I say again, “Leave her alone.”

    • And Bristol Palin’s pregnancy has exactly what to do with the satire article above? Do you always have difficulty remaining on-topic in your commentary?

  8. I didn’t realize this was satire until the end of the end of the 3rd paragraph when I laughed about Obama being an “Accidental” graduate.

    Thank you for lightening an otherwise depressing day. :)

  9. HA! Way too funny — but then again consider the absurdity. Nice going Keith.

    Roberts either lied to GW Bush or he has been bought, intimidated or blackmailed.

  10. The only BETTER piece of satire today was Chief Justice Roberts Majority Opinion. I mean, he HAD to be joking (or smoking),right? (We had to do everything we could to ignore what the law said)!! I’m quite sure we’ll all wake up tomorrow to an America that still reveres the rule of law. Except maybe for that immigration thing, or ransoming hostages. Or pedophilia! Crap, “Caitlyn” Jenner is practically normal! But then, that’s what the libs have tried to make us believe for years!! OK, rant over!!

  11. “…President Barack Obama, who is an Accidental graduate”.

    Am giggling, still. What a gift you have, Keith! Thank you for sharing it with us.

  12. Well he should be qualified, all you need to read is his majority ruling on SCOTUSCare. Creative writing and creative law seem to be his specialty. Next could well be creative interpretation of the Constitution of the United States. He has quite a few future possibilities awaiting him.

  13. Thank you for the great satire piece! I really needed a good laugh today! And here you are providing that wonderful bit of laughter! Thanks again and keep up the good work!

  14. Didn’t you really mean OCCIDENTAL College vs. “Accidental” College?

    Spoken as a professional multimedia journalist, you need to proof once, proof twice before publishing an article with the mistake repeated multiple times.