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ISIS Agrees to Three-Year War

ISIS commanders today announced that they had agreed to President Obama’s time limit of three years for the war between the Islamic state and the United States and its allies.

“We think three years is enough time to decide who’s best,” an ISIS spokesman said today. “There is much wisdom to Obama’s approach. It’s kind of like a soccer match. At some point, you have to call time, and whoever is ahead is the winner.”

President Obama’s proposed authorization of military force lasts for three years, after which the next president would have to try to extract a new authorization from Congress if he decided to continue the war.

U.S. and ISIS officials cautioned that time may be added at the end of the three years if the fighting is interrupted by injuries. Injuries are generally expected in soccer and in wars, so the actual duration of the match could extend a bit beyond three years.

The ISIS announcement is seen as a victory for proponents of the Obama Doctrine, which states that wars can be “led from behind” and ended when the United States feels like it.

The doctrine was previously known as “surrendering.”

“We think ‘surrender’ had an awful ring to it,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “It implied we needed to continue wars until we win them, and that’s just not the case here in the 21st-century. We oppose outmoded ways of thinking.”

White House officials said that in order to maintain interest among fans watching the contest and following it on the Internet, the United States would make the matchup “more fair” by fielding players who had no idea what they were doing.

“Of course, we could wipe ISIS out in 30 days on our own if we wanted to,” said one U.S. official. “But why would we want to do that? Where’s the sportsmanship and the excitement? Much better to get our allies intimately involved and draw this thing out.”

U.S. officials acknowledged that not fielding a full U.S. team could mean that some of the play would occur on the U.S. side of the field. “Sure, they’ll send their strikers into U.S. territory,” said the U.S. official. “But we are counting on the Department of Homeland Security to block their shots.”

U.S. negotiators sought to have red cards given to ISIS fighters who slice off people’s heads or burn them alive, but ISIS successfully argued that this was an integral component of their “culture” and they should not be penalized for it.

However, U.S. troops who draw pictures of Muhammed will be issued yellow cards. Negotiators noted that they had successfully knocked this down from a red card penalty.

The contest will be preceded by at three-month “warmup” period during which ISIS will be permitted to kill as many people in Mosul as possible and plan attacks on the United States. American troops will use the time to try to recoup weapons they were forced to leave in Yemen.

Speaking from his pickle jar in Red Square, Vladimir Lenin praised the three-year war plan. “Boy, Obama really gets it. If we can have five-year plans for the economy, why can’t we make a three-year plan for a war? This is sheer brilliance.”

A spokesman for The Nazi Veterans of Dusseldorf spoke wistfully of the three-year war plan. “Oh, if only we had such a plan in place during World War II,” he said. “We’d end the fighting in control of nearly all of Western and Eastern Europe. If only Obama were president then instead of Roosevelt.”

 

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35 Responses to ISIS Agrees to Three-Year War

  1. Excellent Keith. I got knocked off again. I will keep it short. I hope our mil. that did a fine job fighting off the maniacs get to see this article as well.

  2. While 3 years sounds like a reasonable war timeline, perhaps we should check into the specs the Israeli’s used for their 6 Day War.
    Six days, win or lose, might work.

    Or, PresObama and Iran’s Rouhani could agree to a cage match, IMF rules.

  3. Hi Keith,

    I want you to know that now for past 2 days I’m getting all your e-mails! Thank you! And I like your new website! Very nice!
    Have a nice weekend!

    Sincerely,

    Terry

  4. From his pea-sized brain to the intranet blogosphere.
    I had a hard time identifying if this was satire or how the doofus really thinks. /sarc.

  5. Brilliant, Keith! A thin line between satire and reality in this case. Hope Der Doofus has a chance to look this over while he is luxuriating in CA.

  6. Keith, Keith, Keith,

    While I agree with your missive on how the ONE is wanting to/going to handle this new “war” in the Middle East, you have forgotten one major factor influencing Obama’s outlook on any kind of “competition.” Obama comes from a generation where everyone plays, and everyone gets a trophy.

    With that in mind, I would like to make some suggestions to our dear leader on how this war can be fought, and then after a period of exchanges be brought to an amicable conclusion.

    First, to even out the playing field, and in the name of fairness, all US ground troops will be required to a bright orange vest while in the field of battle. This will give ISIS fighters warning as to the approach of any US troops, thereby allowing them to prepare for the battle engagement.

    Second, again in the name of fairness, all US troops will be required to carry ammunition wherein every other round is a blank. Again, this will provide the opposing team an opportunity to have a fair fight. Any ISIS fighter that is injured during a battle will be allowed to have US medical treatment, and then be returned to his group. This will ensure that the fighting remains balanced at all times, and the US military is not taking unfair advantage of its advanced support operations.

    At the end of the three years of operations, both sides will declare a truce, and all US forces will return to their home bases. In order to promote good feelings amongst the ISIS fighters, team ISIS will be rewarded trophies that will include all of Iraq, Syria, Jordan, and Egypt. Israel will be semi retained by the West, however they will then be the next match up for ISIS, with that “game’s” rules to be determined at a later date, however it is predicted that the ISIS v Israel game will be short lived, with Israel being declared the winner, and ISIS and all of its controlled lands being turned into a giant glass factory, and SPF 1,000,000 sunscreen will be needed by ISIS fighters.

    • Shofar, I started to take notes regardin the every other round etc., than realized it must be a satire as well.
      One note: I am the same age as him. I was taught to grow up and do for myself, just like my parents and grandparents. :)
      I mentioned the other day, it was sad a person in his position was the same age as me.

  7. This is too great! I am an elderly fan of Keith – I am posting copies of this ISIS war article in my old folks home. I am hoping none of us will have heart attacks and die.

  8. ‘We the people’ have hired, and pay exorbitant wages to, the worse employees in the history of this nation.
    When the HE!! are we going wake up to the fact that they work for US and fire them because they are counter productive?