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How Brian Williams Helped Washington Win the Battle of Trenton

I don’t know about you, but I still believe that Brian Williams was in a chopper hit by RPGs while covering the war in Iraq. He’s just being modest in recanting the story, trying to make sure our brave servicemen get the credit.

Because this is just the least of Williams’ heroics. What few people know, and what Williams has never discussed, is that he helped George Washington win the Battle of Trenton.

And I know. Because I was there too.

I remember the whole thing like it was 240 years ago. Which is to say, not very well. But certain moments from the events of that evening and the following morning stand out.

It was Christmas Day, 1776. We were in Pennsylvania, and Washington was planning his New Year’s eve attack on the Hessians, who were across the Delaware River in Trenton. It was then that Williams – yes, NBC Anchor Brian Williams – got the idea that we must move out that very night.

We had all just opened our presents. Williams had gotten some new Brooks Brothers socks and was trying them on when it occurred to him that he had plans for New Year’s Eve, and so it was essential the Continental Army decamp right away!

Williams went to Washington’s tent and told him it was time to launch the attack. But the general was uncertain. The weather was bad and the river was icy. This was not the night for a crossing.

But unlike Washington, who vacillated, Williams was resolute. He showed steadfastness that night that not even the Father of our Country could muster. Part of it was that he knew that in only a few days he’d have to catch the Red Eye out to L.A. for the party at Bono’s mansion in Beverly Hills. But what I saw that night was also real courage. The courage of an anchorman.

While Washington was fretting about the river, Williams seized upon a different strategy. The Pennsylvania Turnpike, Williams knew, crossed the Delaware just south of Trenton. The army could use its E-ZPass – or just take a limo – get on the turnpike, cross the river, and then drive straight up 295 North and into Trenton, where they’d surprise the Hessians.

Washington saw the wisdom of Williams’ plan. The army would march at a 7:00 pm that evening, right after Williams had finished his broadcast. And Williams, noble gentleman that he is, made up the story years later about the Delaware crossing, just to give Washington the credit.

Anyway, as we crossed the river and headed up 295 North, Washington started getting the willies again, wondering whether we had enough grizzled veterans around to help lead the charge. But Williams quickly reminded him that Hillary Clinton was in the ranks and would lead part of the assault. Hillary, Washington knew, had bravely weathered Serb sniper fire in Bosnia. She had the character to withstand whatever the Hessians threw at her.

Right beside her through the battle would be Bill Clinton, who, after dodging the draft during the French and Indian War, had decided to sign up for this one. Bill was strong, fresh, and ready, having not had sexual relations with a single woman the whole night.

Washington felt better, and we continued on past several rest stops, to the very outskirts of Trenton.

The Hessians were camped in the center of town. We could see the embers of their fires as they slept off a night of Christmas merriment and drink. But as we crept closer, morning began to dawn, and we noticed, to our horror, that the Hessians had awakened.

We needed a plan. And fast.

It was then that Williams reminded Washington that there was a man of boundless wisdom on hand. Someone who, Williams told Washington, must “probably have a much higher IQ than you do, I suspect,” who graduated in the “top half” of his law school, and who received three degrees in college.

Someone named Joe Biden.

Washington called Biden over to his side and begged him to figure out what to do. Improvising swiftly, Biden came up with a plan. We would distract the Hessians. And Biden knew exactly how to do it.

Biden told Washington that Gen. Barack Obama was among the troops, and he had brought with him one of his composite girlfriends. Sure, she had one brown eye and one blue, and her left leg was six inches shorter than her right. But she was real looker – Kate Upton, Scarlett Johansson, and Katy Perry all rolled into one.

Biden convinced Washington to have her enter the camp in a bikini and start cooking breakfast. It was cold, but she was a patriot. A composite patriot.

As she walked forward, Bill Clinton, not realizing the plan, tried to follow, but was lassoed in by a quick thinking Hillary, who’d seen this kind of thing happen before.

The Hessians were mesmerized as she descended into their ranks and began scrambling eggs. Meanwhile, Biden stealthily led a contingent of troops to the north side of the Hessians’ camp. Hillary led one to the east.

Williams would oversee the whole operation from in front of the main force to the south. Obama would lead from behind.

But the west side of the Hessian camp was completely open. The mercenaries could make an easy escape. I looked to the sky, beseeching the Lord for a sign. Something. Anything.

I turned my gaze back to the west. And there it was.

A tribe of friendly Native Americans led by Elizabeth Warren was scurrying into position. Tears streamed down my face. The day was saved.

At that moment Bill Clinton sounded his saxophone, signaling for each phalanx to begin moving in.

The Hessians rose to fight, but almost immediately they had a terrible realization: They were surrounded by pathological liars. There was no escape. Even if they proved victorious, no one would believe them, because the liars would all say they lost. The British would never pay them.

It was no use. Their only choice was to surrender.

And that was how we won the Battle of Trenton.

Brian Williams is a hero. Our current leaders are heroes. This is, as his Williams’ predecessor in the NBC anchor chair Tom Brokaw put it, the greatest generation.

Okay, that was a different generation. Whatever. I’m proud of Williams, Obama, Biden, Warren, and the Clintons. Unlike you and me, they were willing to lay down their lies for this country.

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70 Responses to How Brian Williams Helped Washington Win the Battle of Trenton

  1. A most excellent piece of satire I’ve read in a long, long time.
    The reference to Bill Clinton dodging the draft during the French and Indian War was brilliant, if I may say so. Well done!

  2. Not since the pen of Dave Barry have I seen the wisdom of such amazing writing. It’s just like I remember reading in high school history.

  3. Did anyone catch word for word the list of o’s strategy plan? I just heard Rice ramble the list quickly on Fox.
    Doesn’t seem to much of a stategy to me.
    Issues include fighting terrorism, countering Russia. I missed the 3 that Shepard mentioned.
    I did hear part of Rice’s comment stating ISIS threat has evolved.
    No ####! We have been watching it!

  4. Keith, this is a fabrication.
    No way the Hessians ate scrambled eggs!

    Everyone knows the Hessians were drunk on Christmas Day. And everyone knows, hungover people don’t like Scrambled Eggs.

    great job though

  5. Excellent. I found myself hoping this is part of the “new” of this site. You know, a Friday tradition of a great piece of satirical writing. But when I got to the part about the composite girlfriend, I started to worry that the Friday tradition might instead be “Keith starts drinking early on Friday and writing satire.” heehee.

    (FYI, since I didn’t weigh in earlier, great work on revamping the site. Although I like the new look, I do miss the old fashioned scratchy looking logo.)

  6. An exciting story, but I’m finding it hard to believe it’s true. I can’t put my finger on exactly why, and it’s going to bother me until I figure it out.
    Anyway, benefit of the doubt, and all that – salute, jolly good job, and well done.

    • Got it! No way did the troops go up 295N in ’76: most of the road was closed because the Feds were digging up portions of the concrete looking for Jimmy Hoffa’s body then.

  7. Keith:

    Absolutely one of your most excellent pieces (de la resistance?).

    One question: Bill the fresh and ready had not had relations with a single woman that night. Same for a married one?

  8. Brilliant! But there’s more to tell. As we will soon learn from Brian Williams in his next iteration of the story, he was actually the pilot of the helicopter, but thus far prefers to give the credit to someone else at this time.

  9. Well Keith, now you’ve opened the flood gates. No doubt we’ll soon be hearing how Mr Williams single-handedly routed the British at the Battle Of New Orleans (I’m sure Lee knows all the details), Kept the Southwest safe from Pancho Villa, Lead the hopelessly myopic Teddy Roosevelt up San Juan Hill and Saved Private Ryan. The list just goes on. What a GUY!!!

  10. Great satire, etc., Keith.
    However this a serious situation. This man – and his cohorts – influence many of the publics’ thoughts and actions.
    How many people exposing this liar’s lies are liars themselves?
    How many journalists lie daily in their reports? They eliminate facts or report only one aspect or skew results or just plain lie.
    Ask yourself – who in the public eye has lied? The truth is – they are liars and liars lie. To everyone about everything. Always.

  11. By gosh I also heard he was on Iwo Jima with my Marine dad living for weeks with black volcanic ash in his butt crack….I’m telling you this Williams guy is a true American hero…think he followed that up with helping Tom Hanks sail away from that God awful island in “Cast Away”.

  12. Thank you so much for straightening out the record, Keith.

    To think that children might have been taught that Geo. Washington was a brave patriot — when we have such as Bill/Hil, The One,and The Anchor-man in our ranks. But where was Susan Rice? Praising Bergdorf?

  13. Excellent, Keith!!

    In addition to the claim about seeing a floating body in the French Quarter during Katrina, Williams also apparently lied about witnessing a suicide at the Superdome. And, he seems to have lied about getting dysentery from the water:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/style/nbc-launches-probe-into-brian-williamss-statements/2015/02/06/b9d57eb4-ae2b-11e4-9c91-e9d2f9fde644_story.html

    In a documentary aired in October 2005 on the Sundance Channel, “In His Own Words: Brian Williams on Hurricane Katrina,” Williams said, “We’d heard the story of a man killing himself, falling from the upper deck” of the Superdome, which sheltered thousands in chaotic circumstances.

    But in a subsequent video chat with former NBC anchor Tom Brokaw after he accepted the Peabody Award, Williams’s story changed from hearing about the suicide to witnessing it. “We watched . . . all of us watched as one man committed suicide” inside the Superdome, he said.

    A suicide did occur inside the Superdome, The Washington Post reported at the time, though the National Guard official who confirmed the death said the man did not jump from the fourth level.

    Furthermore, if Williams had witnessed the episode, he did not report it to his viewers. On Sept. 1, 2005, he left New Orleans because the situation in the city “had become too dicey,” he said in the documentary, and he anchored his newscasts in nearby Metairie, La., then Baton Rouge.

  14. Brian Williams is the smallest of men. Attempting to increase his stature by hijacking the truly dangerous exploits of REAL American Heroes and making them about him is among the lowest of all things!! Sadly, when the terrorists come for him these same American Heroes would put their lives on the line for him. How did the world get so screwed up???

    • After watching the multiple examples of his “storytelling” in different interviews (whether it be about Iraq or Katrina), as he speaks he seems slightly insane…as if he’s really getting his jollies telling his story. It goes beyond just trying to increase his stature…there’s something pathological about it. He’s quite disturbed.

  15. Mr. T. The story telling I’m afraid will end up on the back burner. This should lead into all the news that is not put on msm. I am afraid at this point it will not.

    • Because they’ve been covering his ass since at least 2007 and why would they stop now. If Obummer strangled puppies to death on live television, the network evening newscasts and morning shows would deem it not newsworthy and fail to report on it.

  16. What is so grimly amusing is how all of the media is running stories about how “Bow Down to Obama” Williams has lost his “creditability” with the American people and how he is the most “trusted” name in news on the boob tube. Makes me want to laugh. Williams and the rest of the major news outlets spew out a torrent of lies 24/7 with nary of shred of truth ever making it onto the airwaves so what’s the big deal if Williams has lied over the years. He is just doing what all of the rest of his fellow propaganda hacks in the “news” business are also doing. If he goes he will just be replaced by another liar. I say keep him on because now whatever propaganda lies he “reports” will always be taken with a grain of skepticism.

  17. Junius we are on rocky road here when the msm does not even cover the foul words said at the P. Breakfast. I mentioned the other day, that I couldn’t believe no one walked out on him. Were they chained to their seat? I am sure the msm thought what Susan Rice said was great as well.
    Susan Rice said Not Existential threat. The dangers may be numerous & varied but they are not existential nature we confronted during WWII & Cold War. “We reduced Gitmo by 1/2 & we mean to keep going” My dear grandfather was a WWII Vet, and would have been shocked by those two comments she made, as well as the foul talk o made!!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Keith! I can’t believe you left out the part about Chief Lizzy Warren! When they took the wrong exit off of 95, she and her band of Indian brothers led them through the woods to Trenton! Shame on you for distorting history like that!

    • Dagnabit!!! You’re right!! I believe he couldn’t make it because he was aboard HMS Beagle helping Charles Darwin come up with his Theory of Evolution.