In a surprise post-State of the Union announcement, President Obama Wednesday made a dramatic entrance into the White House briefing room and offered a proposal for the government to provide every American “who wants a job” with their first job out of college.
“With free daycare, the government will take care of every American child beginning the second they are born,” Obama told a sleepy assemblage of reporters who were up late writing their State of the Union stories. “With free community college, we will provide every American with a complete education,” Obama continued. “And now, we must build on this progress by giving them their first job too. Because that’s who we are as Americans.”
Obama said Congress should immediately approve the plan. “Giving Americans a job should not be a political issue,” he said. “There are no red jobs. There are no blue jobs . . . okay, there are green jobs, but that’s something different.”
White House officials, who described the plan in detail after the president’s appearance, said workers will be situated at newly constructed government hangars located throughout the country.
According a job description provided by the officials, each employee will be required to remove a box from a supply cabinet; take it to another section of the hangar no less than 100 feet away; put it down; wait ten minutes; and then pick it up and put it back in the supply cabinet. The process is then continually repeated.
Other workers will be set up at desks at the entrance to the hangar where they will serve as unarmed security guards. Each will be provided with a novel to read and a pillow.
Officials said workers could stay at the job no more than five years before having to find their second job. “We feel this is enough time to get people accustomed to the nightmare that they may have to work for a living if they can’t figure out a way to get on assistance,” said one official.
The jobs do come with many benefits, however. According to a White House “fact sheet:”
Each worker gets three months paid maternity leave or three months paid paternity leave. They may take six months leave consecutively if gender change occurs at the end of three months.
Unused sick leave can still be taken if the worker is able to fake sounding sick on the phone with sufficient skill.
Managers can tell workers what to do but may be sued if they hurt anyone’s feelings.
However, the job also comes with what White House officials described as “stringent requirements” for workers to ensure “taxpayer money is well spent.”
According to the fact sheet, workers MUST:
Show up no more than half an hour late.
Leave no more than half an hour early.
Smoke pot on the job no more than three days a week.
Spend no more than an hour during the workday on Facebook, and no more than 30 minutes viewing porn.
Marx and Engels were unavailable for comment. A spokesman explained that they were dead. He added, though, that “in some ways, they do continue to live on.”