President Obama today vowed to “degrade and ultimately destroy” the Ebola virus, but asserted that the United States would not commit ground troops to the effort and other nations must “take the lead” in the fight.
“Oh wait a second, that’s the other thing,” Obama added, realizing he was in fact talking about ISIS.
Obama, looking haggard after several days of having to work, apologized for the confusion and noted that he did in fact dispatch ground troops to fight the Ebola virus, but not ISIS.
“Our armed forces drill every day on tactics for combating viruses,” Obama said. “Viruses, Islamist terrorists – it doesn’t matter, they’re all little jerks. In fact, I’ve decided to declare war on Ebola and send infectious disease experts to fight ISIS.”
“Good idea,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Glad you’re finally taking my advice.”
Perplexed at why the president is using the armed forces to build latrines in Liberia instead of fighting bad guys in Iraq and Syria, White House aides have decided in coming days to quarantine Biden and some of his top advisors, according to a senior administration official.
“We had previously thought Biden’s inanity could only be caught through exposure to his bodily fluids. Sorry to be disgusting. But we now suspect inanity is transmissible by air, and so we plan to take steps to separate him – and anyone he’s had contact with in the last 21 days – from the president.”
Flights in and out of Wilmington Delaware, where Biden spends his weekends, will be restricted, and vacationers will be barred from the city. “It’s not a big deal, nobody vacations in Wilmington, Delaware except Biden,” the senior official said.
Meanwhile, First Lady Michelle Obama as a goodwill gesture sent a crate of turnips to troops on the ground in Liberia. U.S. troops were said to be fleeing Liberia in search of cheeseburger.
Mrs. Obama also dispatched thousands of her school lunches to Iraq and Syria as a “goodwill” gesture to the Islamists. ISIS fighters were immediately seen surrendering by the hundreds.
“Frankly, nobody here knows what we’re doing,” the senior administration official said. “We’re kind of winging it, trying everything to see what works. I mean, we don’t even know if you can get Ebola on a bus. We just know that one kills by attacking the organs and the other kills by cutting off the head. But we’re quite certain about this: Women are paid just 77 cents on the dollar compared to a man. And that’s got to stop.”