With ISIS taking more towns in Syria and, on the other front, closing in on Baghdad, it appears President Obama’s strategy for “degrading and ultimately destroying” the Islamist psychos is failing.
Some are calling for boots on the ground. But this is not necessary, as Obama has a backup plan. In fact, he has many ideas he hasn’t tried yet.
Obama called last night to share his thoughts with White House Dossier. We agreed the conversation would be off the record, but this morning I decided, Ahh, screw it.
Here then, the Obama’s top ten new ideas for fighting ISIS:
1. Convince ISIS fighters that virgins awaiting them in heaven frequently “have a headache.”
2. Point “This Way to Baghdad” road signs the other way.
3. Promise, if they’ll stop fighting, to upgrade their iPhone 5’s to iPhone 6’s at a discount even if their plans say they don’t qualify yet.
4. Explain to them that blowing things up adds to global warming.
5. Ask the Wizard of Oz to give Iraqi soldiers “courage.”
6. Let ISIS members know it’s impossible to find a good deli in Baghdad these days.
7. Ask Gwyneth Paltrow for advice on what to do at this point.
8. Make John Kerry, Harry Reid, and Alan Greenspan available to the Iraqi military in order to try to bore ISIS militants to death.
9. Starve them by convincing ISIS chefs to use Michelle’s new school lunch menu.
10. Tell ISIS fighters that he’s going to hit them with a plague of frogs and “I don’t mean the French military.”
Has Obama called you too? Are there any ideas you are aware of?