As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

How to Solve the White House Security Problem

I used to have this stereo. Sometimes the turntable didn’t work.

That’s right, the turntable. If you’re under 30, look it up.

Here’s how I got it to work. I banged it on the left side until it start spinning correctly. Worked every time.

My point is, you don’t always need high technology or a study from the RAND Corporation to solve a problem.

So amid all the agonizing about what to do about White House fence jumpers who might again make it into the building, I have a solution.

Here it is.

Are you ready?

Build a bigger fence.

That’s right. Employing the time-tested theory, Good fences make good neighbors, I have determined that the solution to the president’s problem is to increase the size of the current fence, which stands at seven and a half feet.

White House fence

That’s too small. Double the size to fifteen feet.

Is is still scalable? Maybe. But it certainly would be quite a production getting over it, in which case security would have more time to mobilize. Even one man standing on the shoulders of another can’t reach the top.

Now, admittedly, a team of al Qaeda acrobats or Islamist pole vaulters may be able to make it over. Which leads me to second part of my low-tech solution: Put two Secret Service officers in front of the White House at all times.

EVEN AT NIGHT! (In the private sector, these are known as night watchmen.) There is even a guard in front of the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier 24 hours a day, and that person is dead. You’d think the president and the White House could receive similar treatment.

In case several people get over, which is not going to happen with a 15 foot fence, station a few more Secret Service just inside the building. If they are in shape, they should be able to walk out a door within a few seconds.

Problem solved. No searches of citizens a block away required. Unless they are carrying a 15-foot ladder. Then, search them.

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32 Responses to How to Solve the White House Security Problem

  1. Ed Henry of FNC said this morning on “Imus in the Morning” that the SS is going thru alot of budget cuts…
    -less uniform officers,
    -hours being cut,
    -having to rotate SS officers/agents from field offices to cover the White House

    • They could free up a lot of agents if the O’s and everyone else who gets security would just stay put. We send agents to NewYork for the Preezy, off to some fun place for the Daughters, and who knows how many have to precede MrsO on her secret jaunts.
      We have MrBiden, ValJar, Eric the Holder, and anyone else who can convince someone they’re too important to walk down the street without an armed guard.
      Just stay put, stay in the WhiteHouse or go to Camp David. This flitting hither and yon is costing us money.

  2. The last guy who vaulted the fence had mental problems ? How lucky for him to time his jump with nobody around, not even the guard dog ? He wasn’t that “mental”.

    He should have been shot dead, there, message sent to the rest of you nut jobs. You want to send a message to the President, go buy a $32,000 ticket to one of his fundraisers, his “ear” can be bought.

    • …Last year didnt the SS and DC Metro Police shoot a mother (with her kids in the car) DEAD after going on a car chase thru downtown DC heading towards the US Capital…

  3. Entirely too logical, Keith….but thanks for the humor.

    My guess is it’s going to be an excuse for MO to ban all visitors to the WH, all protesters at the gate, and no pedestrian traffic within a mile. She will have a watchtower built on the front lawn with a SWAT team at the ready. After that, she will be able to sun bathe in the nude on the Truman Balcony – her favorite spot.

  4. It’s an idea worth investigating, but we did put a fence like that along some of our southern border. The illegals and criminals just tunneled underneath, or brought telescoping ladders,or flexible fire escape ladders, then upsie, then downsie they went, and so became treasured immigrants.

  5. I have a better idea.

    Remove the fence.

    Fire the secret service agents.

    Rehome the police puppies.

    Remove all locks from all of the doors.

    Give Obama a cell phone so he can call 911

  6. Wasn’t there a petition regarding letting the man who jump to stay? Just like O wants everyone to walk over “our” border and stay.
    The fence is a good idea. However since that is our WH also, shouldn’t we find out where all the dogs were, secret service were, etc?

  7. Just post a sign with an arrow pointing to the “Beer garden”. I’m sure that any and all “mental cases” are just acting “stupidly”.

    I’m sure there is no ill intent on the part of anyone who would go to such lengths to get near the presence of the “beloved” one; the smartest guy in the room.” It’s only logical that people would be so desperate to risk life and limb just to be near him.

    OK, now that sarcasm 101 has ended for the day, I’m off to more serious affairs.