President Obama has decided to allow immigrants to cross the border from his hometown of Chicago into the rest of the United States, placing an initial influx of refugees from the Murder Capital of the United States at the Seafarer Hotel on Martha’s Vineyard, the island where the president will be vacationing next month.
“I’m glad to welcome refugees from the violence in Chicago to The Vineyard,” said a cheery Obama during an Oval Office interview with White House Dossier. “America is defined by immigrants and enriched by their presence, and Chicagoans have valuable contributions to make,” he said. “And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that each individual will receive a five-percent-off coupon at Max’s Lobster Shack.”
Martha’s Vineyard Mayor Elliot Shpinkle immediately announced the hiring of 150 additional police officers.
Obama promised to bring Chicago immigrants onto the golf course with him. “I may even give them a mulligan,” the president chortled. “And wait until they taste the pancakes at Myrtle’s Waffle House. They won’t regret immigrating for a minute.”
White House officials, however, did not deny claims by Chicago-area sources that immigrants would not begin trekking to Martha’s Vineyard until September, after Obama’s vacation is over.
Secretary of State John Kerry refused to comment. “I vacation on Nantucket,” Kerry sneered, a noticeable look of satisfaction and relief on his face.
Obama promised to consider opening the borders of Detroit, Cleveland, and other regions hobbled by Obamanomics and Democratic mayors.
Meanwhile, the White House announced that the president will vacation next year in Bermuda.