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Iraq Islamists Suspend Attack While Obama Rests

by Keith Koffler on June 14, 2014, 1:03 pm

The al Qaeda-linked Jihadist rebels in Iraq have formally suspended operations while President Obama takes a three-day vacation in Palm Springs.

The group, which last week took Iraq’s second-largest city, Mosul, and which had been pressing on toward Baghdad, said it didn’t want to interfere with the president’s plans.

“President Obama is tired from all the work he does, and he means well,” said Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, head of the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, or ISIS. “We don’t think it’s fair to wage this war while the president is away from Washington raising money for the DNC and relaxing.”

White House officials expressed gratitude for the gesture, but said they were not surprised.

“Unlike Republicans in Congress, the Islamists in Iraq understand that President Obama wants what’s good for them and knows what’s best for them,” said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. “We expect nothing less than for the Islamists to wait until the president is ready to deal with them.”

Obama has asked his advisors to come up with options for combating the rebels. It’s unclear if the options will be ready before they have overrun Baghdad.

However, sources said Obama was temporarily out of touch with military commanders due to a logistical problem.

“The president this morning spilled a piña colada on his communications console,” an aide said. “Nothing seems to be working, and it’s making a funny noise.”

Technicians have been diverted from fixing the Obamacare website to immediately address the problem.


Jim Hays June 14, 2014 at 1:08 pm

Keith, this is awesome. Who said conservatives aren’t funny? If you get a chance, pick up a copy of “Don’t Mess with Travis” by Bob Smiley. Really funny about Texas vs Obama.

Mary Hays June 14, 2014 at 2:13 pm

Awesome comment Jim Hays! Is that You?
Keith is my favorite DC guy because of his humor reporting on this dreaded situation we call Obama!!

A.J. June 14, 2014 at 10:30 pm

“Who said conservatives aren’t funny?” Any Liberal!!

creeper June 14, 2014 at 1:18 pm

You’re in rare form today, Mr. Koffler.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 1:27 pm

Outstanding Keith !!!

Sadie June 14, 2014 at 3:31 pm


Lee June 14, 2014 at 3:51 pm


gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:11 pm

x4 and Ice Cream for sure!

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 7:19 pm

Keith likes chocolate malts.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:34 pm

Chocolate Malts AND Ice Cream! We will spare no expense. xox Mooch

srdem65 June 14, 2014 at 1:28 pm

Well, it sounds good, but I don’t believe it.
The word out of the underground is that they overdid the beheading thing so that driving was getting to be a real hazard with all the heads rolling into the street and all. Then, too, the rotting corpses were making the rebels sick.
They didn’t think the killing/beheading thing through, hence the slowdown.

Claiming the halt in the advances as consideration of MrO’s down-time is really good PR for them even if it’s not true.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 2:00 pm

This should prove to be an interesting thread srdem.

DeniseVB June 14, 2014 at 2:09 pm

LOL, I did have to confirm the “satire” tag. Ya just never know.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 2:17 pm

Keith has a great sense of humor and we are going to have fun with this.

A.J. June 14, 2014 at 10:34 pm

I was ROTF LMAO until I realized just a few words changed here and there and this is all TRUE. Made a few of my sphincters pucker!

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 3:22 pm

They need to get the logistics right.
The rotting heads and bodies should be BEHIND the advance.
See,…they are backwards.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:12 pm

Polo at the oasis Sunday.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 1:39 pm

“However, sources said Obama was temporarily out of touch with military commanders due to a logistical problem.”

Man, the people on this site can have fun with that one !

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 1:57 pm

They HAD to slow the advance.
The gas prices got too high.
They have to wait for Obama to get his phone fixed so he can call someone to replenish their reserves at a decent price.
No worries,…he has a team on it as we speak.
All options are on the table.
Biden has been alerted and he is taking things into his own hands.
Pelosi is gearing up for the Sunday talk shows,….honing her rhetoric to a fine edge, ready to deliver scathing remarks to whomever will listen.
Susan Rice is crafting all new lies based on the old lies that she thinks no-one heard.
Google is searching you tube for ANYTHING that they can use to divert the attention away from any of the current crises.

This administration is working hard,….never let it be said that they aren’t.

Bonnie June 14, 2014 at 2:28 pm

……….add to that, AMVet, the disappearance of the Lois Lerner emails.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 2:34 pm

They did not disappear Bonnie.
Everything is backed up on multiple servers.
The statement that they ‘disappeared’ is just another indication of their condescending attitude toward us.

srdem65 June 14, 2014 at 2:44 pm

You could be right about their attitude that we’re all stooopid, but methinks they found the ‘smoking gun’ and panicked.

The whole scenerio of the IRS colluding with members of the Senate, with the FBI, who knows who else, just to stifle fellow Americans from their rights is almost surreal.
This is still America with a Constitution, where the people have rights to voice their concerns, and this action started by the IRS is frightening.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 3:04 pm

Those files exist srdem.
Just like Obama’s records.

csinnm June 14, 2014 at 4:33 pm

hackers all over the world have a new mission, me thinks.

Aileen June 14, 2014 at 5:11 pm

How I hope you are correct.

A.J. June 14, 2014 at 10:38 pm

This is still America with a Constitution??

You and I believe that but it appears we now have a “Ruling Class” that doesn’t!! And that’s Dems AND Repubs!!!

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:15 pm

And if this person was under oath, which I don’t believe he was, then he committed perjury which is no longer against the law as adjudged by Eric Holder, Barack and Valerie’s partner in crime.

Corey June 14, 2014 at 2:19 pm

Sometime you gotta laugh to keep from crying!

Lee June 14, 2014 at 3:59 pm

Spot on.
The people who run the MSM, must have a promise that they won’t be effected by anything once we loose our Freedom completely.

Joanne June 14, 2014 at 2:31 pm

You know what is scary? This scenario probably did happen.

Anonna June 14, 2014 at 2:41 pm

Muffled by a burka, a woman (we think) reported on Taliban TV that the President’s weekend was precipitated by a request from First Lady Michelle Obama for some time together as a couple.

“The Taliban has the greatest respect for women as long as they are not heard and not seen and is glad to see Mrs. Obama disappear behind the walls of a compound. They are hopeful that she will stay there and never appear in public again.”

And oddly, a large part of the American public hopes the same thing.

srdem65 June 14, 2014 at 2:46 pm

Finally! something the Tally-bahn does that i can agree with.

Star June 14, 2014 at 3:34 pm


A.J. June 14, 2014 at 10:41 pm

Come Mr Tally-BaHn
Tally Me Banana

Oh wait, I think Harry Belafonte would be offended of I offended the Tally-Bahn

Lee S June 14, 2014 at 2:42 pm

Great satire. I would change one thing. I don’t think Carney is around any more.

AFVet June 14, 2014 at 3:15 pm

He is still there until July 31.

Bob B June 14, 2014 at 4:31 pm

Pina Coladas in the morning?

Bonnie June 14, 2014 at 5:08 pm

How in the hell does he go away for the weekend with so many damn messes? I finally do wonder if there will be anything left to fix by the end of 2016. I have never ever imagined our great country could be brought to it’s knees by one man and one administration. They’re doing more than a little dope……….
Also, not one man and one administration. This has to be orchestrated by something far bigger!

Lee June 14, 2014 at 5:28 pm

I have felt the same. However if he is being led, I doubt it is from someone here. In other words someone from U.S. would have the common sense to tell him: At least pretend sometimes that you are trying to resolve The Mess.
They would tell him sit at your desk. Wipe your forehead with a wet rag (to appear your sweating), put files on your desk, give us a worried look. Than a picture or video would be taken.
He simply does not try and or avoids trying.

Sadie June 14, 2014 at 5:33 pm

Bonnie: Yes, indeed – that’s the $64,000 question! In case you’re too young to remember, that’s a reference to the “quiz show scandals” of the 1950′s.

Lee June 14, 2014 at 6:13 pm

Sadie: I had never seen clips of that show.
I just pulled it up on the internet.
That show needs to come back on the air, ASAP

Bonnie June 14, 2014 at 7:08 pm

Sadie, I not only remember the “64,000 Dollar Question”, I also remember “Who Do You Trust?”. Now, no one!

Sadie June 14, 2014 at 7:32 pm

Bonnie, thanks for that memory. It would be a great name for a news show, but unfortunately like everything else it’s more “show” than “news” (((sigh))).

A.J. June 14, 2014 at 10:44 pm

My wife trusts me, as long as I’m in her direct line of vision.

Lee June 14, 2014 at 5:44 pm

I pulled up Drudge:
Hagel ordered an aircraft carrier moved into the Gulf on Saturday, readying it IN CASE WA to decides to pursue a military option after insurgents

Girly1 June 14, 2014 at 7:07 pm

What an ironic twist. That battleship is named after George H.W. Bush.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:10 pm

You didn’t think Obama would think of some way to blame a Bush? Get with it Girly 1.

Lee June 14, 2014 at 8:42 pm

Former Pres. Bush office says he won’t weigh, telling Mailonline that he “decided not to criticize his successor”.

creeper June 15, 2014 at 11:00 am

You know, I can understand respecting your predecessor but respect is earned.

Obastard has done nothing for five and a half years but fail and blame Bush for those failures. He does not deserve the forebearance Bush is demonstrating.

Part of me wishes Bush would speak up and part of me figures it wouldn’t make any difference if he did.

We are so screwed.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:09 pm

The idea that Hagel ordered anything that might be put into action to defend our strategic interests and national security is laughable.

The carrier might be on its way — but it would not surprise me if it was to pick up a Father’s Day present for Barack.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 8:11 pm

Saber rattling. Reminiscent of previous “redlines” only this one floats.

See here for some commentary on the futility of this grandstanding, especially as it pertains to possible evacuation and rescue of US personnel in Baghdad.

Lee June 14, 2014 at 9:16 pm

I thought that the ship had airplanes as well.

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 11:08 pm

I’m no military expert. Aircraft carrier so I assume so. But rescue is difficult to land. Vietnam — helicopter on roof.

All depends on how and what Barry, Chuck, and Jean Kerree decide regarding evacuation.

Girly1 June 14, 2014 at 6:47 pm

Standing ovation, Keith !!!

Speaking of ISIS, if Baghdadi ( that has to be a stage name) had a son, he would look like this:

creeper June 15, 2014 at 11:02 am

al-Baghdadi is not a stage name. One of the most prominent cardiologists around here has that last name.

Girly1 June 15, 2014 at 11:25 am

That was intended to be snarky….

ArtCat June 14, 2014 at 6:49 pm

Mr. Keith, what excellent writing. I think you deserve extra ice cream this weekend!!

gracepmc June 14, 2014 at 7:05 pm

“White House officials expressed gratitude for the gesture, but said they were not surprise.”

I had just knee jerked highlighted this so ready was I to believe!

You hit the target Keith. A smidgeon below what could be real — too funny!

gracepmc June 15, 2014 at 12:09 am

midnight 04minutes. Happy Father’s Day!

To you Keith and to all of you here who share the blessing of fatherhood as well. I know I gave my wonderful Dad a run for his money — and he gave as good as he got. But I miss him like crazy and he was a wonderful life force. And his door and heart was never closed.

So, enjoy the day and your children. Wherever they are.

Blessings to you all and to the good fathers who came before.

Island Girl June 15, 2014 at 2:27 am


apr_47 June 15, 2014 at 12:36 am

I read it earlier in my mail and found it very funny. Congrats!

Shannon June 15, 2014 at 1:14 pm

I’m about half way through, reading aloud to husband, before we realize this is a joke. OMG can’t stop laughing now, but then that’s how far extreme we think he’s gone…