In an unprecedented scoop, White House Dossier has obtained a transcript a recent session between Bill Clinton and his new psychiatrist, the ghost of Dr. Sigmund Freud. Freud, according to sources in the mental health community, appears exactly as he did a century ago but is charging today’s prices.
What follows is the transcript in its entirety.
Sigmund Freud: Please lie down.
Bill Clinton: Thank you
Freud: No, you idiot, the other way. Do not face your therapist.
Clinton: Oh, I’m sorry.
Freud: Now, tell me about your relationship with your mother.
Clinton: I loved her dearly, she . . .
Freud: You hated your mother!
Clinton: No, I -
Freud: Yes, you loathed her. Do you want to make some progress here or not?
Clinton: Yes, but -
Freud: Turn around. Stop looking at me.
Clinton: Well, my relationship with my mother -
Freud: Okay, so it’s clear to me from our conversation so far you are a pathologically narcissistic personality, making you incessantly focused on your own concerns.
Clinton: How did you figure that out so quickly?
Freud: Well, I also read the newspapers.
Clinton: Wait a -
Freud: Your narcissism is a byproduct of your realization that only Bill will love Bill. And so Bill loves Bill a lot. In addition, the hostility you harbor for your mother is being transferred to your wife, Hillary.
Clinton: I’m not hostile to Hillary.
Freud: Then why don’t you want her to be president?
Clinton: I do!
Freud: You don’t!
Clinton: I do!
Freud: Deep within your subconscious, in the reptilian portion of your brain that so often guides you in your behavior, you are secretly threatened by the possibility that she will become president and possibly even surpass you as an historic figure. You want her to fail even more than you want renewed access to the White House pantry.
Clinton: I’m a vegan now.
Freud: Don’t give me that crap. Now, if you want her to be president, why did you reveal the other day that it took Hillary six months of “very serious work” for her to recover after she banged her head in 2012. Even Karl Rove didn’t say that.
Clinton: Well, why, I don’t know, I guess -
Freud: Not only did you make her seem like a liar for not admitting it, but you added to suspicions she now has chocolate pudding for brains. Now, to continue, why did you say Hillary’s health is a “serious issue?”
Clinton: I was just trying to make the point that health with older candidates for president does come up.
Freud: Why were you trying to make that point?
Clinton: Well I don’t know.
Freud: Well I know. Now, why did you also say the other day that “we can’t just tax our way out of” income inequality and that the best way to solve the dilemma is through job creation? You sound like a Republican.
Clinton: Well it’s the truth.
Freud: Since when is the truth relevant to getting Hillary elected?
Clinton: Man, you’re better than Carville.
Freud: He is also a patient of mine. We’ve had no success. To continue, why did you ruin her chances in 2008 in the South Carolina primary by comparing Obama to Jesse Jackson and injecting the race issue?
Clinton: Well that was a dumb accident, of course.
Freud: Nothing is dumb. And nothing is an accident. You knew better than to bring up race. Is it not true that you wanted to be president all your life?
Freud: And that now the the person who is the major figure in your life, who for so long was second banana – that’s clinical term – the person who was the understudy, who marveled at you despite your cheating, will eclipse you. Now you are in danger of becoming nothing compared to her greatness should she achieve more than you as president, which wouldn’t be difficult. She’s already been senator and Secretary of State while your warmup act for president was governor of – what’s the state?
Freud: Yes, that’s the one. And now she could be president and so you’re subconsciously undermining her aren’t you?
Freud: You resent her and you don’t want her to be president!
Clinton: OH MH GOD, OKAY, YOU’RE RIGHT! I really don’t want her to be president! I’m the great man! I’m the one who was president. She said she was just gonna bake cookies and now it’s all this! I can’t stand it! Wahhh! Wahhhh!
Freud: Mr. President, stop crying.
Clinton: Wahhhh. I need a cinnamon rice cake!
Freud: Well we seem to have made some progress here. Your 40 minutes are up. That will be $500. You can pay Anna on your way out.
Same time next week, Mr. President?
Clinton: Okay, I guess so. Thank you. Wahhh!