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Top Ten Announcements in Tonight’s SOTU Speech

Using bribes and flattery, White House Dossier this morning was able to obtain an advance copy of President Obama’s State of the Union address.

We share with you here the top ten remarks you can expect to hear from Obama this evening.

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1. We need a minimum wage. But tonight, I’m also announcing – a maximum wage.

2. I plan to rule by fiat, as well as by Alfa Romeo.

3. Ask not what your country can do for you, unless you need something.

4. In today’s world, even a college education is not enough. That’s why I’m announcing that we need to give everyone the right to a PhD in astrophysics.

5. We need not just to throw the conservatives out of New York, but out of New Jersey, New Mexico, Texas, Michigan, and every state where you might find them, so that tolerance can reign from sea to shining sea.

6. If Republicans don’t like Obamacare, why are they complaining that no one can sign up? Did you ever think of that?

7. I’ve asked Vice President Biden to lead my gun control campaign because he understands guns, having frequently shot himself in the foot.

8. We’ve extracted ironclad promises from Iran not to build a nuclear weapons. And I’m announcing this evening that as a back up, we’ve received further promises from the Iranians that if they do build nuclear weapons, they will use them for research purposes only.

9. Still today, we are plagued by the mistakes of George W. Bush. And so we ask him: Why won’t you just leave us alone?

10. Some people are unhappy that I’m slowly establishing a dictatorship, and I say, don’t worry, I’m going to speed it up.

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55 Responses to Top Ten Announcements in Tonight’s SOTU Speech

  1. Excellent List Keith.
    One of your best!

    Love that tolerance remark on #5
    I believe you missed a comment about immigration reform which certainly will come up.

    How about:
    I ask on Congress to join in a bipartisan way to sign Immigration Reform. We need immigrants to do the jobs Americans won’t do, like picking out the best reefer buds in Colorado. That’s hard labor. I know. I did it once and it blew.

  2. Thanks for the laugh Keith. I will use this as a replacement for watching the actual SOTU and avoid the coronary, broken television, and various expletive-laced rants in front of my children.

  3. 11. In order to build tolerance for the LGBT community, effective March 1st, all heterosexuals will be required to wear a red triangle on their clothes when out in public.

    12. We all know that Islam is a religion of peace, however there are those within the Bible clinging segment of America that cannot seem to understand that fact. Due to these small segment of the populations continued attacks on Islam, in order to identify these people and protect the peace loving Muslims in our country, all Bible believing Americans will be required, effective March 1st, to wear a purple inverted cross on their clothes.

    13. Since social media has become a strong force for change across the globe, effective March 1st all Facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, etc., web sites will be further monitored by the NSA for what this administration may consider false or erroneous information. Users will still have their !st Amendment rights, however they will no longer be free, but will be taxed at a rate of 3.5% of the posters gross income or $650 per comment. This tax will allow the federal budget to be balanced within a year.

    14. Given the fact that America has become as fat as it has, effective March 1st. only people receiving food stamps, or SNAP, will be allowed to purchase high fat, or sugared foods. This prohibition is for the health of our fellow country men.

    15. Since the drug laws in this country are on their face inherently discriminatory, effective immediately I am ordering AG Holder to no longer pursue criminal drug charges against any minority. This action will help to balance the unfair and discriminatory police and prosecutorial practices that have existed in America for the past 50 years.

    16. In the name of fairness, I am using the power of the executive order to order that the Chicago Cubs win the 2014 World Series. I mean, come on, the ain’t won one in how many years?

    • ” monitored by the NSA for what this administration may consider false or erroneous information”

      Remember when a version of this was proclaimed in Missouri during the first election by a sheriff, and IIRC, a prosecutor?

      • Slim or not, I am pretty sure none of them are practicing traditional Catholics.

        And we all know how much the Hispanics revere the family and the church…./sarc/

  4. Excellent Keith.

    I wish I could get in the spirit. But I cannot. And it increases every day.

    I had Cavuto on and this “moderate” Democrat on Obamacare and it was ridiculous — so many more people have insurance, people lose existing policies because of the insurance companies, and get better insurance, — the whole thing — with no accounting for those on Medicaid or receiving subsidies — the numbers are all soft. If this guy was once sorta, kinda, somewhat, maybe critical of Obamacare that is long gone — it reminded me of the Corey Booker hostage tape. And Booker practically tucks Obama in bed now, so we know how that turns out.

    I am not even going to watch anything live now. It’s way to disheartening . Going to a friend’s to help with her computer and then have dinner and listen to show tunes. An evening of denial.

    • Grace, I believe you are referring to CA Rep. Xavier Becerra. He is from my state, and just happens to be one of the most radical,LaRaza Reconquistas on the planet. Very arrogant. Very ambitious. Very ruthless. He has become a very powerful Congressman in a very short time. I have been sending up smoke signals since the day he moved to D.C.
      He is the Mexican version of Obama.
      No doubt in my mind we will have a form of amnesty before November.

      • I doubt there will be any immigration bills before the primaries. I know my RINO rep is scared to death of his grass roots challenger. He’s running his Chamber of Crony Capitalism financed commercials lying about how hard he’s been fighting for Texans in Congress. Twenty-seven years in Congress and all he’s managed to do for us is add another $15 trillion in debt that my grandchildrens grandchildren will never get out from under. If he loses the primary, no doubt he will vote for amnesty to punish us. These career politicians have no virtue.

      • Perhaps it was him. I was only half listening. What I recall is that he was introduced as somewhat disagreeable re. Obamacare and was not. But I probably misheard.

        Becerra is nothing compared to Julian Castro, the La Raza spawn, currently mayor of San Antonio. But given what is popping out of CA recently Becerra will catch up.

        In CA I like the fact that the illegal DREAMER can practice law. Really?

  5. I’m glad Keith gave us a heads up on The One’s speech. I wasn’t going to watch it because I’ve scheduled a massive toothache at that time. Better a toothache than listening to President Pinocchio wail on about how awful we all are because we don’t behave correctly..

    • I still can’t believe we have a Pres who threatened us with a Pen and Phone. That may not seem like a big threat to anyone, but I do not. He does not have the right to threaten us at all. He needs to be told again, he works for us, and there are three branches of Government. I will be watching the snow down here in Louisiana instead of him.

      • I agree completely. Obama is mocking the US Constitution, the Separation of Powers and the framework the Framers designed to protect the American people from Presidents who act like Obama. He is completely untethered from the American Idea, our historical development and the amazing gift we all have been given and enjoy as citizens of this great country. He’s dangerous, a menace and, frankly, I am beginning to question his sanity.

          • Yes. Says it all. I wish we had proper leadership in the Congress to stop his lawlessness, curb his actions and rein him in. They have the full Constitutional power to do so, but they hesitate.

        • I have been questioning his sanity ever since he tried to book the Brandenburg Gate for the Berlin speech. Ms. Merkel expressed her disbelief, also.

          • I remember that very well. I lived in Berlin once a upon a time and I know the city well. You can still read occasionally about Obama speaking “at the Brandenburg Gate” which, of course, he did not. He spoke, on that occasion, at the Victory Column in the Tiergarten, located about a mile away. Remember all the press given to the event at the time. The Tiergarten is like Hyde Park in London, where anyone with clown shoes and a funny hat can make a speech to anyone willing to listen. The fact that Obama supplied free beer and wurst obviously drew the crowd there. It was a completely phony event.

          • That’s true. Asking to speak at the Brandenberg Gate is considered to be a very high honor, granted to very few people. And it’s true. The young Berliners had no clue who he was and they didn’t care a whit.

      • Keith, I just read your note that you would open up for discussion when he starts speech. I said earlier that I was going to watch the snow. I will stop to listen to him a bit.

  6. #10 is most likely very true. I know this is all in good fun but each day is something new with Obama and each day our country is one day closer to being totally destroyed. Why doesn’t somebody, somewhere with authority do something? Instead most of the congress critters treat DC as a big country club and forget the people they’re to represent.

    OT: Our Sen Jeff Flake apparently does not take seriously McCain’s censure. He tweeted out a rather snarky tweet this morning that he’d be sitting next to a Dem tonight, in case it ends up in a clause in a censure resolution. And then McCain retweeted Flakes post, as if it’s all one big joke. ARRGH

  7. Always appreciate your formidable wit Keith, and I’m glad you’re offering a solution to vent with the livestream… “Don’t throw your shoe at the TV during tonight’s State of the Union address. ” If I end up playing Gutfeld’s drinking game, I’m going to have to put some strong chicken wire around the big screen tonight ala Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” video.

  8. #10 hits too close to the feeling and perception of most Americans.

    While I’m not a fringer who thinks he is trying to do so literally, it’s clear he would be VERY comfortable in such a position. More golf and less having to interface with Congress.

  9. On this occasion of Obama’s SOTU, we’ll react with, “Where is he getting those crazy ideas?” May I suggest a book which will turn on the lights inside Obama’s brain and world view for us. Professor Paul Kengor’s book, “The Communist: Frank Marshall Davis; The Untold Story of Barack Obama;s Mentor.” It’s a complicated story, but Kengor, probably the leading expert on Davis, ties Davis with Obama, Valerie Jarrett, Davis Axelrod (who’s mother was a Communist and a writer for PM, the now defunct Communist published in NYC), the Communist Party USA, The Communist cells in Chicago, Obama’s grandfather (a Stalin sympathizer) and many other connections. Kengor links Obama’s tossing out Churchill’s bust with Davis’s hatred of Churchill and the UK. It’s an extremely close look inside Obama’s current actions and power grabs. It would be a good antidote to ingest after listening to tonight’s SOTU.

  10. Thanks…..for the insight with your humor!!!! Loved ALL of it! SOTU….boring. Nothing new….same ole, same ole. Nothing will change. Actually gave me hives and an upset stomach. Proud of myself for not throwing bottles at the screen or running through the streets screaming.