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Top Ten Concessions Offered by the U.S. to Iran

Adding to the shock that the negotiations over Iran’s nuclear weapons program broke down is the discovery of the tempting concessions offered by the United States to try to get Iran to agree to a deal.

A frustrated member of the U.S. delegation, spotted by White House Dossier at a Washington Starbucks, gave in to our repeated requests for the list, exclaiming, Here just take it! Take it!

We agreed not to publish it but later changed our mind, and so we provide for you here the top ten concessions offered by the U.S. to Iran.

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10. Iran may continue to enrich uranium but only in the sense of giving it interesting things to read.

9. U.S. won’t acknowledge it is the “Great Satan,” but agrees to be labeled the “Pretty Good Satan.”

8. Each of Iran’s top twelve Ayatollahs to receive a good twerking from a twerker to be named later.

7. Iran given his beautiful lounge suite:

Living room set 3

6. U.S. will fix it so that Iran is guaranteed to win the annual International Couscous Cook Off in Tripoli early next year.

5. Frommer’s must name the Holiday Inn Tehran as one of the 2014 “World’s Top Ten Vacation Destinations.”

4. Free Chinese takeout for the entire nation of Iran for a year. Delivery is extra and requires a tip.

3. U.S. officials must refer to Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei as “His Hotness.”

Iran

2. Billy Joel and Elton John to perform free concert at Iran’s massive Mullahdome. Elton agrees to dedicate “Your Song” to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

1. Netanhayu’s head to be delivered on a silver platter.

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Are there any that you are aware of?

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74 Responses to Top Ten Concessions Offered by the U.S. to Iran

  1. A. MrsObama will only appear in public while wearing a burqa.
    B. Free Obamaphones for everyone.
    C. We promise to never send SecKerry to any more meetings.
    D. We will begin the complete evacuation of all Jews from Israel.
    E. alJazeera reporters get to sit in the front row at press briefings.
    F. BBQ camel will be served at the next State Dinner.

    • RE: A. Good idea even if you’re NOT an Iranian!

      RE: D. I don’t think the Iranians want the Israelis to leave, I think they want them to cease to exist!

  2. The Doo-Wop group The Impalas, formed in Brooklyn in 1958, will re-issue their biggest hit “Sorry, I Ran All The Way Home” to “Sorry, Iran All The Way Home!”

      • Dear SRDEM 65:
        Where shall I begin:(you might prepare a bowl of oats or grits)

        The goodness of the true pun is in the direct ratio of its intolerability. ~Edgar Allan Poe, Marginalia, 1849

        A pun is a short quip followed by a long groan. ~Author Unknown

        A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself. ~Doug Larson

        Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ~Fred Allen
        A lurking pun is the worst pun, one the offender has been waiting to spring on you. ~Harry Mahtar

        A pun does not commonly justify a blow in return. But if a blow were given for such cause, and death ensued, the jury would be judges both of the facts and of the pun, and might, if the latter were of an aggravated character, return a verdict of justifiable homicide. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., The Autocrat of the Breakfast-Table, 1858

        Punning and groaning are brothers. ~B.F. Tucson

        A pun is not bound by the laws which limit nicer wit. It is a pistol let off at the ear; not a feather to tickle the intellect. ~Charles Lamb, “Popular Fallacies: That the Worst Puns are the Best,” Last Essays of Elia, 1833

        A man who could make so vile a pun would not scruple to pick a pocket. ~John Dennis, 1781

        In the pun, two strings of thought are tangled into one acoustic knot. ~Arthur Koestler

        A good pun is its own reword. ~Author Unknown

        I’m an incorrigible punster. Do not incorrige me. ~Author Unknown

        Did you enjoy your Gruel and Punusual Punishment?

  3. 1. A signed copy of Obama’s ‘connect the red lines’ coloring book;
    2. Saturday golfing for the Ayatollah for one year. Transportation on
    AF1 included;
    3. An invitation to the annual Ramadan Dinner;
    4. A life-size portrait of Valjar in her native burqa

  4. 10. Iran may continue to enrich uranium but only in the sense of giving it interesting things to read.

    Not sure if this is the same thing but the first words out of Va. Gov-elect McAwful’s mouth “I will not lift the moratorium on Uranium mining in Virginia”. So we’re now behind Iran too? ;)

  5. from srdem65:
    11. MrsObama will only appear in public while wearing a burqa.
    12. Free Obamaphones for everyone.
    13. We promise to never send SecKerry to any more meetings.
    14. We will begin the complete evacuation of all Jews from Israel.
    15. alJazeera reporters get to sit in the front row at press briefings.
    16. BBQ camel will be served at the next State Dinner.
    from Sadie:
    17. The next iphone to be called the iRan. It runs on uranium for peaceful purposes.
    18. If you like your centrifuges, you can keep your centrifuges.
    from Lee:
    19. Mr. O’s daughter’s will finish off their education in Iran, and enjoy all the lifestyle of all the women there.
    from rawheadrex:
    20. The Doo-Wop group The Impalas, formed in Brooklyn in 1958, will re-issue their biggest hit “Sorry, I Ran All The Way Home” to “Sorry, Iran All The Way Home!”
    from Girly1:
    21. A signed copy of Obama’s ‘connect the red lines’ coloring book;
    22. Saturday golfing for the Ayatollah for one year. Transportation on
    AF1 included;
    23. An invitation to the annual Ramadan Dinner;
    24. A life-size portrait of Valjar in her native burqa
    from A.J.
    25. All U.S. Presidential Pets will be Persian cats for the next decade.

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