As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . The Kinks!

President Obama this morning staged a half hour infomercial for Obamacare, complete with attestations by A REAL PERSON about how good the product is and promises that you’ll love it and that the mess it’s made all over your carpet will soon be cleaned up.

“Nobody is madder than me,” said the president of the problems that have plagued the website where you can sign up. But yet and still, the boss still ain’t mad enough to fire anyone.

And forget about “glitches.” That term, used repeatedly by the administration, has gotten a big laugh, since everyone quickly became aware that the “glitches” are actually a systemic failure. It’s like calling a plutonium bomb an “explosive device.”

So with glitches no longer operative – fans, welcome, The Kinks!

While we’re working out the kinks in the system, I want everybody to understand the nature of the problem.  First of all, even with all the problems at HealthCare.gov, the website is still working for a lot of people — just not as quick or efficient or consistent as we want.  And although many of these folks have found that they had to wait longer than they wanted, once they complete the process they’re very happy with the deal that’s available to them, just like Janice’s.

Just a few kinks. And Janice, who introduced Obama, is happy. She was the first person in Delaware to sign up. She now has carpel tunnel syndrome as a result of the effort, so it’s good she got through. But for all the Janice’s who are not happy – and that, I think, would be most of the Janice’s – the website has been updated . . .  WITH INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO AVOID THE WEBSITE!

Yesterday, we updated the website’s home page to offer more information about the other avenues to enroll in affordable health care until the online option works for everybody.  So you’ll find information about how to talk to a specialist who can help you apply over the phone or to receive a downloadable application you can fill out yourself and mail in.

Call now. Call now!

But keep in mind, these call centers are already up and running.  And you can get your questions answered by real people, 24 hours a day, in 150 different languages.  The phone number for these call centers is 1-800-318-2596.  I want to repeat that — 1-800-318-2596.  Wait times have averaged less than one minute so far on the call centers.

Satisfaction guaranteed!

I guarantee you, if one thing is worth the wait, it’s the safety and security of health care that you can afford, or the amount of money that you can save by buying health insurance through the marketplaces.

Or get off your ass and go visit a local navigator . . .

But you don’t have to just go through the phone.  You can also apply in person with the help of local navigators -– these are people specially trained to help you sign up for health care, and they exist all across the country, or you can go to community health centers and hospitals.

How do you find your local navigator?

Uh oh . . .

Just visit LocalHelp.HealthCare.gov to find out where in your area you can get help and apply for insurance in person.

YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE WEBSITE. Could be trouble.

But people, people DO NOT WORRY. If you had trouble with the website Big Brother will soon be getting in touch to help you.

And finally, if you’ve already tried to apply through the website and you’ve been stuck somewhere along the way, do not worry.  In the coming weeks, we will contact you directly, personally, with a concrete recommendation for how you can complete your application, shop for coverage, pick a plan that meets your needs, and get covered once and for all.

Sure. We’ll call you. Because we’re the government, and you can count on us.

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26 Responses to Ladies and Gentlemen . . . The Kinks!

  1. Madder than me? It’s madder than I! And sure, call us and some scuzzy thug will write down your personal info…These people will be trained to figure out a case where you have insurance at work, your wife does for six months of 2014, then will quit for the new baby, pre-existing, and one of the kids already born has state children’s insurance bec the company would not cover him, and the other kid already born has cystic fibrosis–so would that be bronze, silver, what–what would be best…And the new baby–will he or she be covered, what do you do there?

    • Good one. Don’t forget; the husband has to cover his children from two prior marriages, the 22 yr old daughter who he has on his orginal insurance policy just had her second child, his company has informed him that he’ll be getting a large end of the year bonus, and the preggie wife started her own daycare business in the cellar. Sooo, subsidy or no?
      Write that one up, mr.navigator.

      Kinda reminds me of the old math problems; the train travelling at 60mph, uphill……..so what color was the conductor’s hat?

  2. Praise the Lord, a new word to describe the problems at Obamacare. Once the word GLITCH hit the airwaves, it stuck. Not one network dared call it anything else. Glitch this. Glitch that. It drove me crazy.

    Bring on the Kinks! I like your song choice, but I’ll take it up a notch and go for their You Really Got Me, as that’s what people are going to say once they see the bill!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2GmzyeeXnQ

  3. “kinks” is an unusual word not commonly used by anyone. The young&fit, MrO’s target group, has never used that word to describe something that doesn’t work, i.e. “oh drat, there’s a kink in that ap”.

    As for the rest of us (the mostly not young&fit) all we heard was evasions, half-truths, and a desperate man struggling to say something postive about a negative.
    In his new role as info-man, he violated the most intregal part of the sale, the demonstration. Just as the guy sliced the tomato, or sucked up the water with his gizmo, MrO should have demonstrated just how easy it is to get on line, make the call, or fill out a multi-page form/find a stamp/and walk to the mailbox.
    All he said meant for us to take his word that everything will be OK.
    Sure, take his word. snort.

  4. The Kinks. Funny lead in. I liked it. The kinks and the ways around them — not so much.

    I do have a question.

    About the techies in this great “tech surge” — are they doing it for “love of country”, “love of Obama”, future political favors to the sponsoring companies and industry as a whole, or are they being paid — once again by the taxpayers?

    Anybody know? Thanks.

    • There doesn’t seem to be an public info on who they are, or if they’re being paid. The HHS has a huge slushy fund that no one seems to monitor, so it’s likely they are being paid standard fees that folks like that charge.
      The WhiteHouse probably called in favors from the tech crowd in California for leads on who to bring in to work on the messy code.
      If MrsSillybus actually appears in front of the Congressional committe, and actually answers questions, we might learn something. All of it a big IF.

  5. Why isn’t the First Lady of health & fitness there to stand by her man
    toned arms and all as an example of the perfect person? Too busy in the garden and of course drinking plenty of water…with a Grey Goose chaser?

  6. Kinks are older than the band. We used to work them out! I heard glitch in the mid ’70s when an engineer described the technical problem in a video signal. It should not be confused with gritch, a contraction of gripe and bitch. When it comes to problems, this administration is only recycling old words to address the myriad problems it has created.

  7. “Nobody is madder than me [sic]”. That statement alone is the Limbaugh theorem in action. He’s always on the outside looking in and cursing at the actions of the behemoth government doing his bidding. ‘Who me? I have nothing to do with that disastrous health insurance scam that bears my name.’

    Remember hearing that feigned outrage not too long ago when he first ‘discovered’ his IRS was targeting conservatives:
    “outrageous”
    “contrary to our traditions”
    “I’ve got no patience with it.”
    “I will not tolerate it and we will make sure that we find out exactly what happened on this.”

    I’m sure you unfortunate Obamacare shoppers will receive the same level of attention he gave conservatives when the IRS illegally singled them out for harassment. No doubt he’ll stonewall as long as he can, or get “Sillybus” to plead the fifth.

  8. If the “kinks” thing doesn’t work out they could always blame it on viruses, systemic viruses. Then of course the incompetent programmers haven’t worked out all the “bugs” yet. Frankly I’m surprised they haven’t blamed the people for not knowing how to operate their computers correctly. Maybe that’s next. They already blamed the people for jamming the system because of their overwhelming desire to sign up.

    “The law is good; it’s the people who are screwing up the system.”

    • re: government websites
      I used the Social Security signup website twice, once for my spouse, once for myself. It is a dream to navigate.
      After you establish an account, you go from page to page (there are a lot of them) fill in the blanks, on to the next page. If you have to stop to find a document or something, the next time you log on you just return to the last page you filled out.
      Easy peasy.
      At one point, I had to call for help. My helper knew what she was talking about and did all she could to advise me. She, no one else, actually called me back with more info.
      Great.
      They can do it if it’s what they want done. Not many seniors are comfortable with computers, but this is really easy.

      • Just don’t visit a Social Security office in person if you can avoid it; you’ll be in for the shock of your life. A while ago I needed to get a copy of my social security card. As soon as I opened the door I was greeted by armed government agents who told me to wait right there. A few minutes later I was led inside, told to empty my pockets, and then I was patted down. I’ve gone through similar treatment at courts and airports but the last place I ever expected to get shaken down was at the Social Security office. It completely creeped me out.

        I left that office in a state of shock because I knew my country was now a police state.

  9. Much of the MSM claims the Rube Goldberg contraption called ObamaCare is his signature accomplishment. They are correct. It mirrors his administration perfectly: ham handed, clumsy, deceptive and not fit for purpose.