President Obama this morning staged a half hour infomercial for Obamacare, complete with attestations by A REAL PERSON about how good the product is and promises that you’ll love it and that the mess it’s made all over your carpet will soon be cleaned up.
“Nobody is madder than me,” said the president of the problems that have plagued the website where you can sign up. But yet and still, the boss still ain’t mad enough to fire anyone.
And forget about “glitches.” That term, used repeatedly by the administration, has gotten a big laugh, since everyone quickly became aware that the “glitches” are actually a systemic failure. It’s like calling a plutonium bomb an “explosive device.”
So with glitches no longer operative – fans, welcome, The Kinks!
While we’re working out the kinks in the system, I want everybody to understand the nature of the problem. First of all, even with all the problems at HealthCare.gov, the website is still working for a lot of people — just not as quick or efficient or consistent as we want. And although many of these folks have found that they had to wait longer than they wanted, once they complete the process they’re very happy with the deal that’s available to them, just like Janice’s.
Just a few kinks. And Janice, who introduced Obama, is happy. She was the first person in Delaware to sign up. She now has carpel tunnel syndrome as a result of the effort, so it’s good she got through. But for all the Janice’s who are not happy – and that, I think, would be most of the Janice’s – the website has been updated . . . WITH INFORMATION ABOUT HOW TO AVOID THE WEBSITE!
Yesterday, we updated the website’s home page to offer more information about the other avenues to enroll in affordable health care until the online option works for everybody. So you’ll find information about how to talk to a specialist who can help you apply over the phone or to receive a downloadable application you can fill out yourself and mail in.
Call now. Call now!
But keep in mind, these call centers are already up and running. And you can get your questions answered by real people, 24 hours a day, in 150 different languages. The phone number for these call centers is 1-800-318-2596. I want to repeat that — 1-800-318-2596. Wait times have averaged less than one minute so far on the call centers.
I guarantee you, if one thing is worth the wait, it’s the safety and security of health care that you can afford, or the amount of money that you can save by buying health insurance through the marketplaces.
Or get off your ass and go visit a local navigator . . .
But you don’t have to just go through the phone. You can also apply in person with the help of local navigators -– these are people specially trained to help you sign up for health care, and they exist all across the country, or you can go to community health centers and hospitals.
How do you find your local navigator?
Uh oh . . .
Just visit LocalHelp.HealthCare.gov to find out where in your area you can get help and apply for insurance in person.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE WEBSITE. Could be trouble.
But people, people DO NOT WORRY. If you had trouble with the website Big Brother will soon be getting in touch to help you.
And finally, if you’ve already tried to apply through the website and you’ve been stuck somewhere along the way, do not worry. In the coming weeks, we will contact you directly, personally, with a concrete recommendation for how you can complete your application, shop for coverage, pick a plan that meets your needs, and get covered once and for all.
Sure. We’ll call you. Because we’re the government, and you can count on us.