Unbeknownst to the public, Secretary of State John Kerry made a secret trip to Damascus Thursday to meet directly with Syrian President Bashar Assad. White House Dossier has obtained a transcript of the meeting. In this exclusive report, we present it to you in full.
Kerry: President Assad, it’s nice to see you.
Assad: Don’t bullshit me.
Kerry: Oh, okay, well, let’s get down to business. Are you, or are you not, willing to hand over your chemical weapons?
Assad: We’ don’t have any chemical weapons.
Kerry: Wait a second, now we’re moving backward.
Assad: I thought we’re here to plan my birthday party.
Kerry: Excuse me?
Assad: I want cake, balloons, and a thousand Alawite children singing “Blessed be Assad, May Allah Watch Over Him.”
Kerry: I don’t that’s what we’re here to discuss.
Assad: It was hit song a couple of years ago. Even you were singing it.
Kerry: Well that’s not exactly -
Assad: Suppose we do have chemical weapons. How much are you willing to pay for them?
Kerry: Well, that’s not really the issue. It’s your obligation to -
Assad: Listen, John – can I call you John?
Kerry: Yes, of course. Can I call you Bashar?
Assad: No. Now, what I’m telling you is, before I will even discuss how much it will cost you to buy our chemical weapons, if we had them, which we don’t, you have to promise not to bomb us.
Kerry: We’re not discussing a price.
Assad: That’s right. But before we can start, you must pledge never to bomb the Syrian people.
Kerry: Listen, as I said, the bombing would be unbelievably small. You’d hardly notice it. It wouldn’t inconvenience you in the least.
Assad: Okay, but Obama said it’s not going to be a pinprick. So what’s the difference between “unbelievably small” and a “pinprick.”
Kerry: Well, now you’re splitting hairs.
Kerry: That was supposed to be a joke.
Assad: John, you are not a funny man. Not intentionally, anyway. How do you like my tie?
Kerry: It’s a very nice tie, Mr. President.
Assad: It’s garbage. I got if off the rack. Do you realize Ferragamo closed its store in Damascus and won’t even deliver from overseas to us anymore? I’m telling you, we are already suffering here. You must first promise not to bomb us.
Kerry: If we promise not to bomb you, what do we get?
Assad: Ahh, a real Talleyrand, aren’t you? You get our chemical weapons.
Kerry: Well, let may say then, speaking for myself, President Obama, and the United States, we promise not to bomb you.
Assad: Okay, you can have the chemical weapons.
Assad: Both of them. Take them, they’re over there – in the corner. Don’t drop them.
Kerry: Wait a second.
Assad: A deal is a deal. Vladimir wrote that you Americans are exceptionalists, that you’re full of yourselves. Are you full of yourself, John?
Kerry: This is not -
Assad: Getting a bit big headed?
Assad: That was supposed to be a joke. Now take the chemical weapons and get out of here. Put you boots on the ground and start walking. I can’t stand having pathetic weaklings in my presence.
Kerry: You will pay for this.
Assad: That’s unlikely. But go ahead, send a team of five inspectors to Syria next week and we’ll let them look around.
Kerry: Really? Thanks!
Assad: Sure. Tell them to bring a flak jacket, a good pair of running shoes, and just in case, a coffin to go home in.