As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

America Now Leading WITH its Behind

Secretary of State John Kerry announced in Madrid today that the United States has developed a new foreign policy doctrine, evolving from the famous “leading from behind” tactic used to strike Libya to now actually leading “with its behind.”

Kerry, who said the new strategy has the potential to evolve into the long-elusive “Obama Doctrine” of foreign policy, argued that “leading with its behind” is the natural outgrowth of recent foreign policy initiatives and statements by administration officials like himself.

“We have to be able able to think things through clearly,” Kerry said. “And so we have to lead from the place where are heads are currently located.”

French President François Hollande immediate applauded the United States for developing the new strategy. “We’ve had our heads in that very place since the late 1930s,” Hollande said. “I’m glad the United States is finally seeing the light. Or, well, the lack of it. Zut alors!”

Desperate Israelis leaders, worried about their most important ally, have assembled teams of nice Jewish doctors trained to surgically remove the heads of leading Obama figures from their asses. The Americans have so far rejected the overtures.

“We’re comfortable where we are,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough.

U.S. Military commanders on the ground, however, are complaining that the location of the heads of leading Obama administration figures is causing their message to be muffled and is already leading to dangerous misunderstandings.

At one point last week, U.S. troops began moving into the Baltic region,

“They told me, I’ve got a scone for ya, said one army general. I thought they said, Invade Estonia.

Drs. Henry Joppa and Kevin Kronkite, respectively the world’s leading proctologist and neurologist, marveled at the ability of Kerry, who maintains the largest head in the Western hemisphere, to lodge the entire thing in his rectum.

“He must be a pretty big ass,” remarked Dr. Joppa.

Indeed, Kerry has been the chief practitioner of the new “leading with its behind” method, having in recent days accidentally suggested Obama might put boots on the ground in Syria, inadvertently proposed a new policy to allow Syria to hand over its chemical weapons, and asserted absurdly that the attack on Syria would be “incredibly small.”

Kerry has in fact been at work developing the new strategy for months, engaging in irrelevant peace talks between the Palestinians and Israelis while the rest of the Middle East goes up in flames and founding the entirely new nation of Kyrzakhstan.

Reached today by White House Dossier in Madrid, Kerry said, “meblublub limlib vrumbin shmindun.”

That’s what it sounded like, anyway. The quote is accurate.

Obama’s chief economic advisors were said to be furious at what they claimed was a move to steal from them a policy framework that they in fact had invented.

“We’ve had our heads up our asses for years,” said White House National Economic Council Director Gene Sperling. “And we have the results to prove it. How dare they try to steal our thunder.”

While some questioned the new stance, most European leaders said they would continue to follow the United States, even as it leads with its behind.

“Everyone knows the United States has a nice ass,” said former Italian Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi. “We’ll be there.”

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59 Responses to America Now Leading WITH its Behind

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  1. Don’t suppose you could hack POTUS tele-prompter tonight? After reading this, having to listen to more “I”, “my” and “me” from the biggest failure America has ever produced is going to be VERY depressing indeed.

      • Completely understand and I’d be doing anything else if I could. But those of us who write on him are forced to listen to him else we write words as stupid as his.

        The gig was supposed to end January 20th, 2013 but somewhere in the past 40 years more dumbasses were created than previously thought and just enough of em somehow managed to find their way to a voting booth last November extending my visit in purgatory for another four years.

        It’s a nasty job but somebody’s gotta do it.

        • How about a Man Booker award for his “line of steel” speech writers and the ordeal they’re going through today?

          (It’s an award for writing fiction)

          • Hey, Playrighter, you’re talking to an old English major. But you can clear something up. Are the plain old Bookers for UK writers only, and are the Man Bookers for everyone else?

          • I think the Man Booker is for UK, and the international award is for anyone.

            That said, I’d never heard of the award until I used Google looking for a suitable prize for the fiction writers in the WH. For people who provide speeches and schedules for POTUS, “Man Booker” was too good to pass up.

            P.S. Nothing against Old English, but personally I prefer to type with arial

  2. Finally! someone who noticed this adminstration’s weird focus on the behind; MrO’s Lead From Behind, MrsO’s FatKidsBehinds, and the appointment of assorted horse’s arse know-nothings to positions of authority.
    .

  3. Hats off to Mr. Koffler! The pen is mightier that the sword. Obama, Kerry, the whole sorry criminally incompetent lot of them eviscerated via the pen. Funny and well done Sir!

  4. Keith: I’m sorry to point out the fact that the majority of Jewish people in the U.S. have supported the Democratic (sic) Party and its ideology of anti-human, anti-individualism, and anti-liberty for decades.

  5. Obama “speaks” to the Nation tonight (10 Sept 2013) = a few shots of bourbon & sleeping pills and I will be happily passed out by the time Obama reads some empty words from a teleprompter later tonight about Syria…

  6. Rectal-cranial-inversion. The patient is usually unaware of the symptoms and thus can lead a somewhat normal life.
    The disease can in some cases be fatal, but amongst politicians not at all.

  7. Having read this I thought it was extremely enlightening.
    I apprwciate youu taking the time and effort to put this content together.
    I once again find myself personally spending way too much time both reading and posting comments.

    But soo what, it wass still worth it!