Secretary of State John Kerry announced in Madrid today that the United States has developed a new foreign policy doctrine, evolving from the famous “leading from behind” tactic used to strike Libya to now actually leading “with its behind.”
Kerry, who said the new strategy has the potential to evolve into the long-elusive “Obama Doctrine” of foreign policy, argued that “leading with its behind” is the natural outgrowth of recent foreign policy initiatives and statements by administration officials like himself.
“We have to be able able to think things through clearly,” Kerry said. “And so we have to lead from the place where are heads are currently located.”
French President François Hollande immediate applauded the United States for developing the new strategy. “We’ve had our heads in that very place since the late 1930s,” Hollande said. “I’m glad the United States is finally seeing the light. Or, well, the lack of it. Zut alors!”
Desperate Israelis leaders, worried about their most important ally, have assembled teams of nice Jewish doctors trained to surgically remove the heads of leading Obama figures from their asses. The Americans have so far rejected the overtures.
“We’re comfortable where we are,” said White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough.
U.S. Military commanders on the ground, however, are complaining that the location of the heads of leading Obama administration figures is causing their message to be muffled and is already leading to dangerous misunderstandings.
At one point last week, U.S. troops began moving into the Baltic region,
“They told me, I’ve got a scone for ya, said one army general. I thought they said, Invade Estonia.
Drs. Henry Joppa and Kevin Kronkite, respectively the world’s leading proctologist and neurologist, marveled at the ability of Kerry, who maintains the largest head in the Western hemisphere, to lodge the entire thing in his rectum.
“He must be a pretty big ass,” remarked Dr. Joppa.
Indeed, Kerry has been the chief practitioner of the new “leading with its behind” method, having in recent days accidentally suggested Obama might put boots on the ground in Syria, inadvertently proposed a new policy to allow Syria to hand over its chemical weapons, and asserted absurdly that the attack on Syria would be “incredibly small.”
Kerry has in fact been at work developing the new strategy for months, engaging in irrelevant peace talks between the Palestinians and Israelis while the rest of the Middle East goes up in flames and founding the entirely new nation of Kyrzakhstan.
Reached today by White House Dossier in Madrid, Kerry said, “meblublub limlib vrumbin shmindun.”
That’s what it sounded like, anyway. The quote is accurate.
Obama’s chief economic advisors were said to be furious at what they claimed was a move to steal from them a policy framework that they in fact had invented.
“We’ve had our heads up our asses for years,” said White House National Economic Council Director Gene Sperling. “And we have the results to prove it. How dare they try to steal our thunder.”
While some questioned the new stance, most European leaders said they would continue to follow the United States, even as it leads with its behind.
“Everyone knows the United States has a nice ass,” said former Italian Prime Minister Sylvio Berlusconi. “We’ll be there.”