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Obama to Demand Equality for All from Martha’s Vineyard

by Keith Koffler on August 1, 2013, 11:25 am

President Obama plans to continue his crusade for income equality from his $7.6 million vacation estate on Martha’s Vineyard, demanding action in Congress and handing out free lobster rolls on the driveway.

Obama, who has made income equality the touchstone of his second term agenda, will launch the Martha’s Vineyard chapter of his crusade at the Beautiful People Sushi Restaurant on the island.

The former community organizer will organize his sashimi around the wasabi and then speak to the press pool about opening up Japanese restaurants to the poor.

“He’ll say what everyone knows – that America is overpaying for raw fish,” said one top advisor. “He’ll announce a new executive order requiring sushi bars to charge no more than $1.50 for two pieces of salmon, mackerel, and sea eel.” Also, Mrs. Obama will discuss the perils of fatty tuna and insist restaurants no longer be permitted to charge more for it than regular tuna.

According to the aide, Obama will invite “the disadvantaged” to join him in various vacation activities.

“The president appreciates that the residents of the island are separated from the riff raff by Buzzard’s Bay and Vineyard Sound,” the aide said. “But he thinks a few low-income types should be permitted to be seen on Martha’s Vineyard during vacation season.”

Obama plans to have an unemployed factory worker serve as caddy for him during the first of five planned golf outings. “He’s going to give him a tremendous tip – like, Drink a glass of orange juice every morning,” said the aide.

Obama has also convinced Secretary of State John Kerry to pop over from Nantucket to give low-income children wind surfing lessons.

“They’ll be trained and ready to go the minute they get their first sailboard,” Kerry said in a brief interview.

As a sign of solidarity with low-income Americans, Obama plans to refuse to pay the bill at expensive restaurants on the island. Instead, he will stand up after finishing dessert, proclaim “At a certain point, you’ve made enough money,” and walk out. He’ll also refuse to pay for items at the many Martha’s Vineyard craft shops, declaring, “You didn’t build that,” and then departing with the items.

Crafts will be donated to the Democratic National Committee headquarters in Washington to decorate the offices.

White House sources say that upon returning to Washington, Obama plans to write a book about his luxury vacation, titled, “I’ll Bet My Father Never Dreamed of This,” and make plans for his excursion to Hawaii this winter.

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Star August 1, 2013 at 11:29 am

Oops–gotta go–my limo is here to take me to the helipad for my vacay!

Karyn J. Coppock August 1, 2013 at 9:56 pm

my classmate’s aunt makes ($)68/hour on the laptop. She has been out of work for 9 months but last month her payment was ($)20459 just working on the laptop for a few hours. Go to this web site and read more… c­a­n9­9.ℂ­ℴ­M

Julie Brueckheimer August 1, 2013 at 11:44 am

Will the Clintons be flying over from the Hamptons?

Al47 August 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

I loved it!!!!

kathyd August 1, 2013 at 11:50 am

Why doesn’t he (and Hitlery) spread his millions around to all the unequal “have nots” that he claims to care about? I’m not talking about the freeloaders, only the middle class who have worked to earn their keep all of their lives.

swedishlady August 1, 2013 at 11:56 am

I loved it too ! Yes, it´s glaring ,the hypocrisy.
And finally. the Kremlin grants Edward Snowden political asylum in Russia. I am so happy for him. I read that one of his favourite poems is this one : “Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind”. ( Emerson ). He certainly lives up to these fine words.

Julie Brueckheimer August 1, 2013 at 12:16 pm

I wish Snowden could have gone to a country other than Russia, e.g. Iceland, but the US government made that impossible by putting all kinds of pressure on other countries not to grant him asylum or to even let him cross their airspace. Now the Obama administration will accuse him of going over to our worst enemy whereas that was not Snowden’s intention. They’d be making a mistake if they followed Lindsey Graham’s advice and boycotted the Winter Olympics because of Snowden.

swedishlady August 1, 2013 at 12:38 pm

He had no choice, he couldn´t pick and choose. And he needed a strong country to protect him, I am not sure about his safety in those South American countries. However, can he trust Putin or will he be a pawn in some ugly deal later on ?
Is Russia still seen as the worst enemy ? The cold war is since long over. An American can be a tourist and walk safely around in any Russian town. Russia is in many aspects like any other western country nowadays. Aren´t many of these Muslim countries much worse enemies ?

Julie Brueckheimer August 1, 2013 at 12:45 pm

I agree with you, but I think there are still many Americans who view the former Soviet Union as our greatest enemy.

Julie Brueckheimer August 1, 2013 at 12:20 pm

BTW, Judge Andrew Napolitano of Fox bravely came out and said that Snowden has done a great service for American liberty. That took guts.

FromMissouri2 August 1, 2013 at 11:57 am

WOW, I was about two paragraphs into this before I realized it was satire. I’ve come to actually expect stories like this from the great one!

MarjoJimbo August 1, 2013 at 12:32 pm

Me, too!

patty watson August 1, 2013 at 11:58 am

If the gazillion dollar vacation home has a vegetable garden, will they donate a few of the cucumbers too?

KmikeB August 1, 2013 at 12:05 pm

An Obamalobster now available free with your third Obamaphone. Just show the man behind the counter all three phones to claim your free shellfish.

ImNoDhimmi August 1, 2013 at 12:27 pm

Hilarious, Keith! We need a good laugh after this week’s parade of bad news.

Dr. Todd Ambrosius August 1, 2013 at 12:35 pm

Mr. Koffler, you are a loss to the comedic fraternity. Well played, sir. Well played indeed.

Jeff1000 August 1, 2013 at 12:50 pm

Don’t you just love sarcasm.

I love your sharp wit Mr. Koffler.

Otis Driftwood August 1, 2013 at 12:56 pm

“I’ll Bet My Father Never Dreamed of This,” .. classic line!

your on a roll Keith. (-:

65andcounting August 1, 2013 at 1:07 pm

I’m going to set up several kiosks on the Vineyard and sell these! Maybe Malia and Sasha will want one.

[Credit to Neal Boortz @talkmaster for tweeting it and to The Looking Spoon for creating it.]

Robin H August 1, 2013 at 1:25 pm

That’s awesome! Much better than the Chia Pet or the Bobble Head!

Susan August 1, 2013 at 3:19 pm

“My little phony”. That is hilarious! Betcha some entrepreneur jumps on that idea.

Mari August 1, 2013 at 8:32 pm

I would so buy one of these!

Robin H August 1, 2013 at 1:26 pm

Thanks for the laugh, Keith! Wait, this was satire, right?

Darkangel August 1, 2013 at 5:04 pm

Tags say it is. For the record, that’s the only way I knew.

Jonathan Swift, wherever you are, you’ve got company.

srdem65 August 1, 2013 at 1:52 pm

Once again, our President has exposed his great divide between himself, his hoity-toity snobbish supporters and real, red-blooded Americans. While he touts the pleasures of eating raw fish that taste so horrible that fiery condiments must be utilized to numb the taste buds, patriots all over the US are enjoying crispy pan-fried perch, or the square filet deep fried to mask the fishy taste and plopped on a bready bun smeared with catsup.

The pretenders to good taste and fashion who proclaim to be “down” with the downtrodden sneer at the pleasurable experience of seeing the honored tuna-fish cassorole presented to the diners at the kitchen table.

The President has raised his own children to be aware of the poor and downtrodden, even those in his own family. When his children seem to be acting like spoiled teenaged brats, he reminds them of their Great-aunt and uncle who live on welfare, right here in the U.S.of A. He tells them he would love to help out his kin, but he hasn’t made enough money yet to do so.

It’s not often that we get to read such honest, bare-knuckled journalism that rips the cover from the slick and slippery politicians that make our lives better or worse. If only there were a true journalist who would expose the secrets of the WhiteHouse garden that produces vegetables out of season and can feed hundreds at a time with it’s bounty.

Kimbly August 1, 2013 at 1:53 pm

And all of this hypocrisy just a year into his second term? Can you imagine how bad it will get after the midterm elections? (yes I know this is satire – but really, this is the message Obama is projecting)

CiscoKid August 1, 2013 at 2:58 pm

If I took a vacation, it would look like Martha’s Vineyard.

Susan August 1, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Bravo, Keith. Love your witty style. I have a suggestion. We already have a virtual tour of OUR White House to take the place of personal visits, so how about they do something similar with their endless vacations. Kinda like the Hope-Crosby Road movies only updated to be a Housewives of Whatever-quality reality show. It could be called “The Excellent Adventures of Barry and Mooch”. Maybe even sell subscriptions to their website (EBT cards welcome here). They could make a mint off the useful idiots who love nothing more than living vicariously through these two grifters. Then Barry wouldn’t have to travel all around the country shaking down companies like Amazon for donations to his phony non-profit, OFA.

Girly1 August 1, 2013 at 5:36 pm

What a gem, Keith – every savory word. Have to admit, though, it left me hankering for a night out at our local Benihana’s.

Seriously, how does this snake-oil salesman have the gall to flit around the country preaching about the growing gap between the rich and poor when he’s the one who widened the gap moreso than anyone in the last 25 years or more.

After his stunt at the Amazon distribution center in Chattanooga, I hope the owners of the “Bunch of Grapes’ bookstore on MV slam the door in his face!


“This growing inequality is morally wrong,” he said, and “undermines the very essence of America.”

Read more:

Mari August 1, 2013 at 8:33 pm

This is marvelous!

Lizzy August 2, 2013 at 4:22 am

My un-toned arms are flapping with excitement to see how the wealthy
sponge I mean enjoy life as I will never have the pleasure. And the anticipation of seeing the First Lady in a million sleeveless concoctions.
The reports of the wonderfully expensive dinners and exotic food they will enjoy that I’ll never taste. I’m grateful to be able to live my life through these humble people the Obama’s. Salt of the earth they are makes me weep.

Joe B August 2, 2013 at 7:49 pm

Excellent !! Enjoy the weekend..

Sharon August 2, 2013 at 8:17 pm

You’ve done it again…great satire!! Didn’t know they ate sushi, however, thought it was fried fish from Fred’s fish fry. But, they have to pretend they are part of white society when at the Vineyard. As far as the bills he won’t pay, I don’t think he’s ever paid for anything. The book could be entitled I Bet my father never dreamed I would hob nob with the white folks either…

msbets August 2, 2013 at 9:22 pm

lmao, ovomit is such a prickle dicker

JJNYC August 3, 2013 at 10:22 am

The only that was NOT mentioned was this IS a “working” vacation. And this phrase “works”: Is OWEBOMBa “working” hard or Is he HARDLY “working”?

John maloy August 3, 2013 at 10:37 am

Loved it!,,,,,

carrollest August 3, 2013 at 11:18 am

An Imperial Marxist Kenyan to the rescue.

chris mahoney August 3, 2013 at 1:31 pm

As you know, HUD now requires every political jurisdiction in the US to have a plan to offer low-income housing in order to make all zip codes equal. I wonder if this includes the Vineyard?

Fairview August 4, 2013 at 3:27 pm

You hit it out of the park with that one. So funny! Like all good satire it’s awfully close to the reality.

Smokey August 7, 2013 at 11:52 am

As others have mentioned, I was halfway through it and remembered it is satirical.
Sushi for a buck and half, I wouldn’t eat it.
He will not rest however, until we are all “disadvantaged”
Great piece of writing!

libra August 17, 2013 at 2:13 pm

i think congress should give the future civil servants and gov employees and elected officials–stringent travel allowances and mileage limits on govt planes including air force one. let them use skype. i think this administrative leave with full pay and benefits need to go into escrow until they are found guilty and then returned to the govt coffers.. the idea the ft hood killer and lois lerner are on full pay is CRIMINAL but then that is what this administration has become. a bunch of chicago thugs and criminals.. they need to be thrown out of the offices they have besmirched.

Kathleen Taylor August 26, 2013 at 4:56 pm

Thank you, thank you! I am still chuckling. I have printed the Two Dozen Scandals. I surely will steal it for Part Three of The Muslim Romance Trilogy: The Arab Sprung—While a Muslim Sleeps in the White House

I write politically incorrect erotica/romance under the name Juliet Montague.

Keep up the god work!

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