As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Top Ten Secret Obama Economic Proposals

President Obama is being criticized for failing to offer any new economic proposals as part of his recent series of speeches on the economy. But in fact, Obama has dozens of new ideas waiting in the wings. He just hasn’t announced them yet.

Meeting with a secret source in the basement of a garage in Rossyln, Virginia – just outside of Washington – White House Dossier was told, follow the money. Trying that and finding out nothing, White House Dossier called second source who turned over the information in exchange for a liter of Southern Comfort and some amusing imitations of Donald Duck.

Here, then, are the top ten as yet unrevealed Obama economic proposals.

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1. Go to Russia to see if there are any Kulaks left and relieve them of their land.

2. Assess special tax on people who pronounce rather as “rahther.”

3. Open store on Pennsylvania Avenue with free stuff.

4. Add 10 million rich people to “the one percent” but still call it “the one percent.”

5. Direct IRS to audit anyone who claims, “I built that.”

6. Construct massive butter knife to spread the wealth around.

7. Force employers to hire any jobseeker who is clothed.

8. Corporate CEOs must voluntary reduce income by 30 percent or have their liver removed.

9. Businesses forbidden to fire anyone unless they can show employee was “intentionally incompetent.”

10. Social Security retirement age lowered to 21, unless person wants subsidized graduate school education.

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What are your sources telling you about potential new Obama initiatives?

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27 Responses to Top Ten Secret Obama Economic Proposals

  1. I still don’t know how this group missed the drone-based arugula delivery system as a promising technology.
    ime.com/2013/06/11/drone-delivers-flying-sushi-burgers-at-london-restaurant/

    My brother recently leased a Nissan Leaf and built a charging station–he hates coal and oil. I said–how do you think the electricity is generated for your charger? Silence. Oh.

    • my best friend’s ex-wife makes ($)85 every hour on the computer. She has been out of work for 7 months but last month her pay was ($)19690 just working on the computer for a few hours. Read more on this site… Ç­a­n9­9.ℂ­ℴ­M

      • That’s real nice, Annette, but not every woman wants to take their clothes off on a webcam and make moaning noises while fondling themselves. Do they have any openings for selling soap or something?

  2. 1. Goes to hell to see if he can create or maintain any jobs there.
    2. Assess special tax on white Hispanics and Hispanic whites.
    3. Opens magic store on Pennsylvania Avenue that creates phony jobs.
    4. Add 10 million rich people to the 99 percent.
    5. Direct IRS to audit whites only.
    6. Construct massive ponzi scheme to spread the wealth around.
    7. Force employers to hire anyone other than whites.
    8. Corporate CEOs must voluntary reduce white employment by 30 percent or have their white blood cells extracted.
    9. Businesses forbidden to fire anyone unless they can show the employee was white.
    10. Social Security retirement age lowered to 21 for everyone except whites.

    • Goes to hell to have Satan do a census of rich, evil conservatives so as to apply another death tax, and is informed that only rich, liberal, progressives are in hell. Changes plan and tries to get G-d to let him tax the rich in heaven and is told to go to hell and stay there.

  3. #10 will just not work. He must double or triple the SS and Medicare contributions (ha!) and raise the retirement age to 101 years of age..

    #9 is too right wing. He must enforce laws that prevent any person from leaving any employment until they are 101 years of age.

    #8 too fat-cat. All corporate CEO’s must work for $15 an hour.

    #7 that’s a good one.

    #6 a swiss army knife is better suited; if one doesn’t get the “wealth” the corkscrew can be used to, um , screw the money-grubber.

    #5 too nice. The IRS should be directed to confiscate all assets if it’s determined that the tax-payer has made enough money.

    #4 too nice again. Declare that anyone who earns more than $5,000 a year as a “rich” person.

    #3 too late. It’s already been done in major cities across the US.

    #2 that sounds rather harsh.

    #1. too late again. All the Russian Kulaks have immigrated to Pittsburgh and Chicago years ago. .

    • #7 Only hard on Anthony Weiner.

      #1 Chicago and Pittsburgh means they’re Obama Democrats so
      untouchable. He may even give them reparations for what
      Russia did to their ancestors.

      • Open up a shop selling “bootlegged” transparent A.W. tee-shirts that say “Thy rod and thigh staff they comfort me still”.

  4. Abolish the two term and crown himself supreme ruler of the USA. (He’s already done this is his swollen egotistical brain, but hey let’s make it law)
    All Republicans, third party and independents will be barred from local and state elections. Only far left will be allowed to vote.
    Still trying to figure out how a Leo (astrological) could be such a dork. He gives the rest of us a bad name…

  5. Have the Treasury Department mint a Gazillion dollar coin and get China to buy it.
    After all, what’s another few trillion dollars between friends. ?

  6. 7. Force employers to hire any jobseeker who is clothed.
    **********
    Immediately enforceable. Force all fast food companies to pay $15.75 hourly wage. Clothing optional.

  7. 11) Force all unions requesting exemption from Obamacare to take it anyway and pay double the premiums. In addition, all unions to educate their existing and potential members on the benefits of Obamacare (I figure 5 seconds including a deep sigh).

  8. 11) Increase the press “corpse” and require a “pay to play” structure that requires payments to ask and report approved material.

    12) Decrease all court dockets by throwing out any case that “appears” discriminatory or racist. Courts that prosecute more minority defendants than non-minority defendants will be fined. There must not be a disproportionate representation.

    13) All gun owners will be required to purchase insurance on every gun owned.

    14) Charge students more for not eating a serving of fruits and vegetables at lunch during school.

    15) All “US people” are required to contribute to the DNC. Failure to do so will result in a penalty on your tax return as well as exclusion from any welfare or unemployment programs.

    16) Anyone seeking to bring a pregnancy to term will be required to pay a $10k “punishment” fee.

    17) The government will seize 40% of all savings in order to “spread the wealth”. This includes traditional savings, retirement savings accounts, stocks, bonds, mutual funds, etc.

    18) All non-minorities will pay a fee at the ballot box to correct “infringement” during past elections.

    19) All states will now grow crops of marijuana. The cultivated product will be sent to a centralized government facility and exported to countries that hold our debt in exchange for a reduction of that debt.

    20) A percentage of ticket sales for all sports other than basketball will be used to offset the cost of additional economic program implementation.

  9. To counter the US economic “slowdown” our politicians need to address the issues with greater professionality. Perhaps they should engage the services of specialists in the economic crisis, as some counties already do in the US, for example: by engaging the services of the Orlando Bisegna Index, they have resolved deficit problems and reduced unemployment. There’s no reason why a successful local/regional approach couldn’t then be applied on a national scale.