Previous post:

Next post:

Top Ten Suspicious Immigration Bill Provisions

by Keith Koffler on April 15, 2013, 11:00 am

White House Dossier has obtained a copy of the new immigration legislation being crafted by the Senate “Gang of Eight” and has found, tucked deeply within it, provisions which seems suspicious.

Proponents of the bill say it has tough measures that will reduce illegal immigration in the future and make it difficult for past lawbreakers to become citizens. But these hard-to-find provisions seem to undermine the claim.

For your perusal, the top ten suspicious immigration bill provisions:

1. For citizenship, applicants must be able to name color of George Washington’s white horse and identify who was buried in Grant’s Tomb.

2. Immigrants can bring “family members” into the United States. For purposes of this law, “Homo sapiens” considered a “family.”

3. No identification needed at border if immigrant can tell guard a funny story.

4. Unguarded areas of border will be equipped with loudspeakers making scary noises.

5. Each border guard to be accompanied by a team of white rabbits and French Poodles.

6. In lieu of English test, immigrants can prove language proficiency by successfully reciting, Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Can you pick the peck of pickled peppers, Peter Piper picked? 

7. Businesses that hire illegal immigrants will be forced to use Michelle’s school lunch menu in their cafeterias for 30 days.

8. Immigrants to be granted immediate citizenship if they promise to open good ethnic restaurant within two miles of “Gang of Eight” members’ homes and offer free delivery.

9. Preference at border will be given to immigrants not carrying narcotics.

10. Immigrants won’t be required to vote Democratic but are strongly encouraged to do so.

*******

ALERT: Please let us know if there are any suspect provisions you are aware of.

Leave a Comment

{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

Julie Brueckheimer April 15, 2013 at 11:13 am

Another gotcha by Keith. Seriously, I just read that Boehnor is going to sit on any gun control bill which comes out of the Senate for months and months and whittle away at it in the meantime. May this be the House’s overall strategy to anything Obama-ish which comes from the Senate, immigration included.

Reply

Scottso April 15, 2013 at 11:16 am

Another hilarious list, Keith.
Some I believe you missed:

11. 50+ year old migrants are allowed to go through the gate in the fence, as long as they sign up for AARP.
12. Migrants are granted amnesty as long as they become a housekeeper or nanny for a member of Congress AND are paid completely in cash.
13. Laborers that have proven skills of replacing divots at the President’s favorite golf courses will be able to come and go as they want.
14. Illegal immigrants can become citizens as long as they agree vote for the repeal of the 2nd amendments. Also a free shotgun is given to each one.
15. Undocumented travelers must successfully translate into English the words, “Rio Grande”.
16. Any immigrant who is legally here must get out to make way for anyone illegally here.

Reply

Julie Brueckheimer April 15, 2013 at 11:25 am

Brilliant additions to a brilliant list.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 1:12 pm

Excellent additions.

Reply

Sadie April 15, 2013 at 2:02 pm

Keith and Scott – Thanks for the giggles today.

Reply

Star April 15, 2013 at 11:39 am

Ooo–ooo! I know the horse–Traveler.

Reply

Traveler767 April 15, 2013 at 3:37 pm

Robert E. Lee had a horse named “Traveler”. George Washington had horses named “Nelson” and “Blueskin”. I think that for the answer to the question that Keith found, all one needs to know the color of his white horse!

Reply

Kimbly April 15, 2013 at 11:46 am

17. $1.5 trillion will be allocated to hire the bridgekeeper from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Reply

RickW April 15, 2013 at 11:56 am

Outstanding! This could cover those illegals from Europe that everyone forgets about.

Reply

RickW April 15, 2013 at 11:49 am

Some additions:

17. Each immigrant willing to sign a “No Moo pledge” (agree not to refer to FLOTUS with any bovine references) gets a Target gift card for $100

18. Qualified macarena instructors will be paid $125 per hr cash to teach the Marine Band the proper way to perform this classic.

Reply

Ravi April 15, 2013 at 11:50 am

Brilliant!

Reply

florida gal April 15, 2013 at 12:39 pm

19. If you have trouble walking from Mexico to the U.S. we’ll send Air Force One to pick you up.

20. Private tutoring on how to use food stamps and scam our system will be given to all illegals who arrive before the next election.

21. The first four illegals that bring their own set of golf clubs will be able to play against Obama’s foursome.

22. If your school records and birth certificate are a little bit shady we will let you run for President.

Reply

Star April 15, 2013 at 1:01 pm

No 22–we’re all heart that way.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 1:09 pm

#20. Oh yea! More “navigators” just like for Obamacare! Brilliant.

Reply

Julie Brueckheimer April 15, 2013 at 3:09 pm

More kudos.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 1:06 pm

La Raza objects to the following:

#5 French Poodles to be replaced by chiuhuahuas

#6Too difficult and discriminatory. Suggest Pedro picked japapenos.

#9 Discriminatory. Narcotics are the immigrant’s start up enterprise and a key to their success in their home away from home.

#10 Immigrant can vote as many times as he/she has family members. This includes the chihuahua.

NOTE TO ALL: These requirements acknowledge the evils of Assimilation. This applies to Hispanic immigrants only. Other requirements to be changed to acknowledge the uniqueness of each immigrant group.

Reply

Susan April 15, 2013 at 3:25 pm

What about the OTMs who litter the desert with their prayer rugs and korans? Does LaRaza deny this downtrodden immigrant group their civil rights?

#5 Chihuahuas to be replaced by camels.

#6Too difficult and discriminatory. Suggest “Allah Akbar”

#9 Discriminatory. Dirty bombs in lieu of narcotics. Dirty bombs are the OTM’s tool for jihad (aka holy war) against their great satan.

#10 With the OTM, it’s not about the voting. It’s about the invading.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 4:25 pm

Tomorrow.

7 am.

Border crossing of your choice.

Your camel.

My burro.

My weapon supplied by the Eric Holder Fast and Furious Armory.

Be afraid, be very very afraid.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 4:33 pm

NOTE: The International “Law” of Disputes between Dueling Illegal Groups prohibits the use of bombs or gases as weapons.

Reply

Susan April 15, 2013 at 5:02 pm

That’s definitely not a fair fight, gracepmc.

Reply

gracepmc April 15, 2013 at 5:32 pm

In the best interest of our future mutual second home I accept your gracious concession.

Reply

Anonna April 15, 2013 at 1:55 pm

Have begun to hear the term “intimate family members of those born in the U.S” and I believe this is code for parents of anchor babies.

What other country lets a lawbreaker sink a hook into its flesh as we do with the anchor baby farce?

Reply

GWShrub April 15, 2013 at 2:45 pm

These are all funny & I laughed out loud at some of them. But they are also sad. Sad in that the sheer lunacy that some of them suggest has come extremely similar to the logic & mentality displayed by this administration. THAT….is absolutely despicable & is a horrendous insult to the citizens of this great nation. It’s even MORE sad that no one seems to even care enough to try to stop or object to Obamafuhrer or the DHS. We just laugh & make jokes.

Reply

DeniseVB April 15, 2013 at 3:03 pm

I like political satire but with Obama, it’s too close to the absurdity of truth.

When I see a Keith list, I immediately check his tags :D

Reply

Langley Spook April 15, 2013 at 3:12 pm

JUST GIVE ‘CALIFORNIA’, ‘ARIZONA’, ‘NEW MEXICO’, ‘NEVADA’, ‘COLORADO’ BACK TO MEXICO…
(Let ‘TEXAS’ fight for themselves to join the “USA” and defeat Mexico -LOL…)

Reply