President Obama offered up a few good ones at the annual Gridiron Dinner last night. I’ve put the best of them together for you and strung them together below.
This is from the official White House transcript.
My joke writers have been placed on furlough. (Laughter.) I know a lot of you reported that no one will feel any immediate impact because of the sequester. Well, you’re about to find out how wrong you are. (Laughter.)
Now I know that some folks think we responded to Woodward too aggressively. But hey, when has — can anybody tell me when an administration has ever regretted picking a fight with Bob Woodward? (Laughter.) What’s the worst that could happen? (Laughter and applause.)
Now I’m sure that you’ve noticed that there’s somebody very special in my life who is missing tonight, somebody who has always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem. So tonight, I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation — thank you, Nate Silver. (Laughter.)
March in particular is going to be full of tough decisions. But I want to assure you, I have my top advisors working around the clock. After all, my March Madness bracket isn’t going to fill itself out. (Laughter.)
Of course, maintaining credibility in this cynical atmosphere is harder than ever — incredibly challenging. My administration recently put out a photo of me skeet shooting and even that wasn’t enough for some people. Next week, we’re releasing a photo of me clinging to religion. (Laughter and applause.)
It took a while, but I’m glad that the Senate finally confirmed my Secretary of Defense. And I have to say, I don’t know what happened to Chuck in those hearings. I know he worked hard, he studied his brief. And I even lent him my presidential debate team to work with him. (Laughter.) It’s confusing what happened. (Laughter.)
But all these changes to my team are tough to handle, I’ve got to admit. After nine years, I finally said goodbye to my chief speechwriter, Jon Favreau. I watched him grow up. He’s almost like a son to me, he’s been with me so long. And I said to him when he first informed me of his decision, I said, “Favs, you can’t leave.” And he answered with three simple words — “yes, I can.” (Laughter.)
And even though I’m just beginning my second term, I know that some folks are looking ahead to bigger things. Look, it’s no secret that my Vice President is still ambitious. But let’s face it, his age is an issue. Just the other day, I had to take Joe aside and say, “Joe, you are way too young to be the pope.” (Laughter.) “You can’t do it. You got to mature a little bit.” (Laughter.)