As of now, I am in control here, in the White House

Obama’s Best Lines from the Gridiron Dinner

President Obama offered up a few good ones at the annual Gridiron Dinner last night. I’ve put the best of them together for you and strung them together below.

This is from the official White House transcript.

*******

My joke writers have been placed on furlough.  (Laughter.)  I know a lot of you reported that no one will feel any immediate impact because of the sequester.  Well, you’re about to find out how wrong you are.  (Laughter.)

Now I know that some folks think we responded to Woodward too aggressively.  But hey, when has — can anybody tell me when an administration has ever regretted picking a fight with Bob Woodward?  (Laughter.)  What’s the worst that could happen?  (Laughter and applause.)

Now I’m sure that you’ve noticed that there’s somebody very special in my life who is missing tonight, somebody who has always got my back, stands with me no matter what and gives me hope no matter how dark things seem.  So tonight, I want to publicly thank my rock, my foundation — thank you, Nate Silver.  (Laughter.)

March in particular is going to be full of tough decisions.  But I want to assure you, I have my top advisors working around the clock. After all, my March Madness bracket isn’t going to fill itself out.  (Laughter.)

Of course, maintaining credibility in this cynical atmosphere is harder than ever — incredibly challenging.  My administration recently put out a photo of me skeet shooting and even that wasn’t enough for some people.  Next week, we’re releasing a photo of me clinging to religion.  (Laughter and applause.)

It took a while, but I’m glad that the Senate finally confirmed my Secretary of Defense.  And I have to say, I don’t know what happened to Chuck in those hearings.  I know he worked hard, he studied his brief.  And I even lent him my presidential debate team to work with him.  (Laughter.)  It’s confusing what happened.  (Laughter.)

But all these changes to my team are tough to handle, I’ve got to admit.  After nine years, I finally said goodbye to my chief speechwriter, Jon Favreau.  I watched him grow up.  He’s almost like a son to me, he’s been with me so long.  And I said to him when he first informed me of his decision, I said, “Favs, you can’t leave.”  And he answered with three simple words — “yes, I can.”  (Laughter.)

And even though I’m just beginning my second term, I know that some folks are looking ahead to bigger things.  Look, it’s no secret that my Vice President is still ambitious.  But let’s face it, his age is an issue.  Just the other day, I had to take Joe aside and say, “Joe, you are way too young to be the pope.”  (Laughter.)  “You can’t do it.  You got to mature a little bit.”  (Laughter.)

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70 Responses to Obama’s Best Lines from the Gridiron Dinner

    • Keith. You tried your best with this post, and the results were shamelessly predictable. Sad…

      Anywho, I appreciated your effort and want to thank you for passing this on.

      ~RT

  1. “I know a lot of you reported that no one will feel any immediate impact because of the sequester. Well, you’re about to find out how wrong you are.”

    How true that statement is! Obama is so petty and vile that he wants to make sure the sequester cuts have the utmost impact, to show just how evil the Republicans are for not agreeing to his spending.

      • True Star, simply not funny ! He can not deliver a joke in a convincing way, there is always a trace of…well, malevolence, meanness.

          • Or that snakey voice. But, look on the bright side…we only have 313 days to wait until the really BIG bash – Mooch’s 50th B-Day. I’m sure it will be deemed a national holiday so we can look forward to some time off. Thank you king bho!

          • I ask you….would anyone in their right mind ever have dreamed of attending a multi-million $$$ B-Day Bash for the woman we saw on the campaign trail during the ’08 campaign? A leopard does not change it’s spots…unless it spends 4 years undergoing voluminous amounts of cosmetic surgery and has a full-time staff to teach it how to walk, talk, smile, and read a teleprompter. Unfortunately, there are no procedures to disguise a racist soul!

          • It’s the enjoyment he gets from the sound of his own voice and knowing his drooling adoring voters that includes the media are
            peeing their pants in rapt love of this duffus.

  2. Oh gosh, I can not stand this person no matter what. Who cares if someone writes a few jokes for him to read from the Teleprompter . It doesn´t make him a nice, warm , humorous person because he simply isn´t. And all those obedient, docile journalists, laughing and cheering like courtiers to some king ….please, stop being so obsequious. The US is a Republic !

  3. He’s just a tiny little man with big ears and no heart for the common people who are paying his overbloated salary and his outrageous spending sprees.

    • And by the way–this so-called charm offensive of gourmet meals for Republicans–the WSJ had an editorial I think Sat that said he is offering NOTHING and some Republicans are packing in the calories for show and also Peggy Noonan on Sat was pretty interesting. I cannot include urls bec I never know if non-subscribers can open WSJ stuff.

          • Speaking of the WSJ–I quit after an adult lifetime of it when they went paywall, but eventually they came back and back and I beat them down to $11 a month–driveway and online. They are actually laugh-out-loud funny with some of their lifestyle stories and “luxe” mag. People who travel to the backwoods of Brazil to eat lemon-flavored ants, etc. Or the trend toward spendy high-end gardening togs or platform shoes tricked out like a trellis of vines. The problem is, I didn’t plan on financing this sort of stuff for the president of the United States. It just isn’t seemly.

          • I don’t want to spend subscribing to all the sites I hit. That smorgasbord would cost me too much. I usually get on through Drudge’s links, but periodically those sites will cut you out and tell you you have to be a subscriber. Then they usually cave and come back on gratis.

          • Withe the WSJ and some other sites, when I click a link and find that Ive been blocked as a non-subscriber, I just Google WSJ (or whatever the site is) and the full name of the article. For some reason, when I do it that way, clicking from the Goggle search gives me full access even though I was blocked before.

          • I live in FL where we have lots and lots of ants, of all kinds. All you have to do to make them lemon-flavored is drip lemon juice on them. Think of the travel time that would save!

      • There’s a way to open WSJ articles without subscribing.
        1, Copy just the Title of the article from the WSJ
        2. Go to Google
        3. Paste the the Title on Google Search

        Works like a charm…

  4. My sense of humor is mordant. What I really appreciate is digs like Greta van Susteren’s last year when she was in charge of Fox’s table. She invited Kim Kardashian as a guest of Fox. Obama caught the ‘joke’ but the king was not amused.

  5. Obama could serve Saksang and Soylant Green to the press, and they’d report it as the Best. Dinner. Ever., just because its always a good idea to flatter the Emperor.

    Kind of reminds me how medieval kings would do stuff like vomit in a plate after overindulging, and then bid the jester come forth and “drink the nice, hot soup”. If you were the jester – you’d better not only drink it, but ask for seconds.

    Unfortunately, the press has been his jester for at LEAST the last four years, and it doesn’t look to change any time soon…

    • I notice you had to go to the UK for that story, AZ Granny. Why do you suppose that is?

      And, how about that picture of the first – uh – “Lady”? You can see every one of those 50 years in that face, those hands, and that neck, despite her trying to wear fashions and hairstyles (wighats?) that are far too young for her.

      Moochie does have some nice, manly biceps. Other than that, well, time makes fools of us all…

      • Her birthday is not until next January but she’s got to get a media fix before then, in fact, right now. I hope they hype it so much that it’s a big blah by the time it arrives.

    • Clearly, it’s time for the “Million Middle Class March” on the White House. Imagine what would happen if, while Michelle is enjoying her Celebrity One Per Center Bash inside “the People’s House”, one million (or so) of those people — unemployed thanks to Obama’s policies — were outside protesting with signs like: “Where’s our hope, where’s our change?”, “Let’s create some jobs….Let’s move”, “We got your back, time for you to get our backs back to work”……

      The Obamas love them some human props. Let’s see how they deal with a sea of them, demanding some crumbs from the Obama cake.

    • I’m not a fan of either Adele or Beyonce, but have a feeling they may lose a few fans. Not a very good optic which goes beyond “let them eat cake”, now it’s “let’s rub cake in their faces”. :(

      • Adele is supposed to be donating her services, but who knows? Adele and Beyonce may just be a little passe by the time next January rolls around anyway.

        • Surely there are expenses involved in flying to Washington, D.C., hotel, cab fare, meals, etc. And for Adele, that flight could be across the Atlantic — and it will cost more than just having a pizza (or a barber) delivered to the People’s House. Being a one per center may have its perks, but it also entails huge costs.

          It would be nice if the Obamas had a change of heart and redirected the costs of this bash to people who really need it, say the victims of violence in Obama’s home town of Chicago, where the millions in Annenberg funds he spent there didn’t exactly move the town “forward”. Or they can just continue to fiddle while home burns.

    • I saw that in the wee hours had to hit the medicine cabinet. AZ Granny
      we could have a shamming blog to list all the Obama stories the Brits
      publish either before we ever see them or if we see them at all. At first
      it was mildly humorous but now it verges on dangerous to our right to
      know. Sorry run on sentence.:-(

      • yup.. thank goodness we have the foreign press to report what our MSM will not even touch.

        AZ, I read the article about Mo’s upcoming bash. My money is on they will throw the party, then have to take the next week off on a big trip. Nothing is too good for the Queen.

        Am surprised it will be at the Fun House (I mean WH), but sadly they will have to do it indoors. Be a bit chilly to erect a heated 3 ring Circus tent in the front lawn, but knowing them they will try ;-) Also there will be a huge aircraft jam into Regan / BWI / Dulles for a week. This could be fun to watch and take bets. It’s going to be a busy holiday season with Xmas Vaca then back for the circus, then off to Vaca again.

  6. “Being gloomy is easier than being cheerful. Anybody can say “I’ve got cancer” and get a rise out of a crowd. But how many of us can do five minutes of good stand-up comedy? ” – P.J. O’Rourke

    http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/P._J._O%27Rourke

    This is why Obama can’t make a joke. It’s too much work, and nothing in his Community Organizer/Marxist training ever taught him about humor…

    • And he is not “funny.” Some people are funny–delivery, a sense of good material, timing, and a quality of we’re in this together so when I surprise you, it makes you laugh–he has none of that.

  7. Actually, this performance by Obama was very well thought out, right down to the serious ending in which he thanked journalists for the fine job they do — without mentioning that after SIX MONTHS, we still haven’t heard word one from any of the Benghazi survivors.

    His routine (with the WH making sure to note all the laughter and applause on a site where you can also watch “performances” by some of his celebrity pals) was a series of preemptive jokes for which he gets credit as a nice guy, which will now have all the air sucked out of them before one of those “serious journalists” can use his shortcomings against him. (You can’t fault me for my actions, I’ve already joked about them).

    • About the Benghazi silence. My guess is that Obama classified everything relating to it and therefore no one can say anything about it.

  8. Well I guess in the fine print in the Sequester it had Lizzy loses her sence of humor along with many friends on WHD. I find nothing he says or does at all
    funny he’s a cruel crass narcissistic little man. He enjoys the pain we feel so
    going to sadly give this a big pass. Causing pain to children and Americans
    for entertainment isn’t funny.

    • Perhaps it’s the fact he’s making his administration cut more popular items out of their budgets so the “people will see them”. It’s vindictive and cruel to the taxpayers who pay for those very services.

  9. Just curious. Did Barackalypse do any stand-up comedy about the little school kids who are crying because they won’t be able to take their WH tours? Some have been booked for a year. Is he handing out rain checks?

  10. Personally I find the President’s humor often times mean spirited. And if he is going to make jokes about the Pope and Biden I would like to hear an equal one about anyone Muslim to even the balance.

    And speaking about balance, I saw this over at Ace. Funny remarks by Jindal. Give it look — some of them might make you smile.

    http://minx.cc/?post=338260